Three Tools for Difficult Conversations
Senia Maymin, PhD
I teach Senior Leaders/C-suite how to WIN at getting their next job | Fractional Chief People Officer | Stanford PhD | Data-driven, ROI-focused, people-first leader | Board Presentations, HR Strategy, M&A
We all have difficult conversations. It’s part of life. It's going to keep happening. How do we have them in ways that move us forward together in positive, collaborative ways?
Today I’m going to talk about three tools that we can use to become more collaborative in even difficult conversations.
To watch the entire broadcast, click here or play the embedded video below.
The Three Tools in Brief
Let me just list them for you before we go into each one.
- Implemental Mindset
- Shared Values
- Inviting No
Tool Number One: Implemental Mindset
Peter Gollwitzer’s research suggests that our brains are generally in one or the other of two states, not both at once. He calls one the implemental mindset and the other the deliberative mindset.
The deliberative mindset is active when you are trying to decide something, and the implemental mindset is active when you're proceeding with implementation.
Now, why does this matter for the purpose of difficult conversations? When you're about to have a difficult conversation, it is easy for the two of you to end up stuck in a deliberative state so you're constantly wondering, "Which way will it go?" If you can shift into an implemental mindset, the question is more like, “How can we get it done?”
When I suggest that the first tool of managing a difficult conversation is to move from a deliberative into an implemental mindset, what does that mean pragmatically? It means that we don’t have to stay in the deliberative mindset until we completely decide what we’re going to do. We can instead shift into the implemental mindset intentionally by making a provisional decision and shifting attention to how to get it done.
Let me illustrate with a conversation with someone named John. If I'm about to have a conversation with him in which I expect some conflict, I can move us towards thinking about a desired future. I can open the meeting by saying, "We have a half-hour together today. Let's divide it into thirds. For the first third, let's talk about what we really want to be doing. For the second third, let's imagine we're already where we'd like to go. For the final third, let's just figure out what the action steps need to be."
Nobody's going to disagree with you about this because it's a very typical for meetings to think about what, how to move towards it, and specific actions. Next, I can say, "All right, I know in advance, that you and I are going to see things a little bit differently, so why don't we take this opportunity to explore your concerns. Should we implement this policy or should we not?" I’m also admitting the disagreement right from the beginning. I’m addressing what is on John's mind. We all need to do this more. The other person will share some concerns. Listen really thoughtfully. Listen, comment, think about what the person is saying.
For the second part, I might say, "Okay, now that we've looked at some of your concerns, what if we did implement this project? Let's look 18 months forward. What does it look like? What's the best possible world if we do implement it? Imagine it's gone as well as possible, what might be amazing about this?" So now I’m moving us toward co-creating.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry in Airman's Odyssey says, "Love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." By brainstorming an amazing future together, we're looking outwards in the same direction.
Then I can get to actions. "Given our concerns and what we can imagine, what are some things we can do? What are next steps?" This usually leads to a simple, collaborative conversation.
Tool Number Two: Joint Values
Let’s assume we both work at the same company, or I am in a company working with a vendor, or I am in a company working with a client. We are partners on a project.
When in partnership with somebody, we can call on joint values. Speaking to John, I might say, "Hey, I know we both share the value of getting this company to the best possible position by the end of this year. I know we both share the value of integrity. I know we both share the value of safety for our team." When we use a shared value lens to focus, it helps us look out together. Thus, when I speak about values with John, I’m setting up a foundation for us to collaborate.
Tool Number Three: No
When we're having a difficult conversation, we can give our joint partner in this conversation a chance to say, “No.” As a soundbite, that may sound weird, but it works.
I rely on a section of a book by Chris Voss, Never Split The Difference. He's a hostage negotiator, but he talks about things that we can apply to regular relationships. He says, "When two people are not really on the same page, like the good guy and the person who's holding hostages, it's hard to get on the same page. One thing you can do is give the other person a sense of autonomy. You can show them just where they're in control and how they can set boundaries against you."
Thus, saying no can be a way of getting on the same page. Assume I’m thinking about a project that could start now and be effective and profitable for the company within 18 months. I could ask, “Would it be a ridiculous idea to start exploring some vendors that could give us a little color about moving forward with this project?” or “Would it be absolutely infeasible to get a pilot of this project done in the next month?” In a sense, I’m getting John to dream with me. Would it be unthinkable, impossible, ridiculous? The answer is likely no. It's likely not impossible. It's likely not ridiculous. So now I’ve allowed John to say, "No, I think we should explore those options."
Take Action
I want to end these broadcasts with an action item for listeners. Today’s action is a thinking action. With whom could you try out these tools in an important or even difficult conversation? Jot the name on a Post-It for yourself. That way, if you find yourself in a conversation with that person today, tomorrow, or the next few days, you are primed to think, "How can we dream together? What are our shared values? How can we say no to the same thing?"
Image from Canva for "conversation"
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