Three Tips for Hard Talks

October 28, 2023

When I wrote my missive last week about hard things in 2023, I didn't realize how soon again I would face a unique test of strength. I encourage us to recognize hard moments, and what we need to endure them with the perspective, care and fortitude we want.

The Lewiston Maine mass shootings in our backyard thrust Ben's hospital Central Maine Medical Center into the heartbeat of care, shuttered the girls' school, temporarily shifted the peace of a dog walk at dawn, and compelled us to talk to our girls about these events long before we anticipated. We had discussed 9/11 with them since we are involved with the Tunnel to Towers Foundation supporting its victims, first responders, and their families, but a mass shooting close to home felt even harder. Tough talks can engender discomfort, unease, sadness, tension, frustration, anger, or confusion. They are also a tremendous opportunity for growth, learning, and love to emerge.

I find myself reflecting and deploying three tenets of hard talks I've learned in the past year that I wish I had practiced more throughout my life.

Number One: Use Essential Language. My 82 year old dad asked me what this was in a recent conversation about end of life wishes. That indicated to me that we have failed to socialize this practice. For me, words flow like lava, and thus are both a vehicle for beautiful expression and emotion, and also an instrument to hide behind when I don't want to share the full truth, a direct thought, precise information, or real feelings. Essential language guides the way to real understanding. This practice is about choosing only the words that are needed to express a complete thought in precisely the way we want to share it, with no fluff. Most essential thoughts can be stated in 5 words. We embellish our written and spoken language good reasons, but when it's important to get to the essence of an idea, that hurts us. Here is what we told our girls about the mass shooting and its reverberations. A man was sick. He killed a lot of people. It's a sad time. We're going to stay home today. The police will look for this person and help him. Their faces showed a mix of concern and confusion. They asked questions and shared thoughts that came to them. Why would he do that?? Where did he kill them? I don't want you to die. Was it like the man who flew the planes into the buildings?? We slowly answered each question and acknowledged each thought with warmth. Arlyn asked that night as she went to bed if the man would visit people's houses. I said no, given the goal of her question and her relative capacity to understand my answer.

Number Two: Remember Relative Reference. This means we can not actually "put ourselves in someone else's shoes" as we often suggest, because we do not have their relative experience and reference. So, we should do what we can to understand them. We often communicate and critique without recognizing the relative reference of our listener. We do not imagine how our listener may be receiving facts and having feeling because of their experience. Recently my dad fell in the middle of the night. Instead of calling for help he sat on the floor for 4 hours until a caregiver came. My immediate reaction was that this was crazy and he was stubborn. Then I realized that this decision was one of independence and freedom. My dad is an Army Vet and self-made entrepreneur. He has been though much harder times than sitting on the floor of his comfortable home for 4 hours. Relative to his experience, this decision was simple and made sense. He didn't want to bother anyone. Therefore, in the aftermath, our focus was not that he was stubborn and reckless but rather, let's figure out how to reduce the risk of?his falling in the first place. Let's emphasize the energy he has when he gets a good nights rest. For hard talks about mass shootings, I think about: What do my girls understand about death? What do they understand about weapons and guns? What experience have they had with fear?? The answers to these questions are different for all children even of the same age depending on their experience. These discussions should reflect that. There's no right or wrong way. The ultimate example of relative reference is when we change our perspective on guns or sexuality when a loved one speaks truth or tragedy strikes close to home.

Number Three: Validate Feelings. We can't actually separate "hard skills" from "soft skills" as we often suggest. That's not how our bodies work. Contrary to cultural messaging that feelings lack precision and fact, our feelings drive everything we do. When we make decisions, run businesses, plan activities, and communicate with each other, we interpret facts with feelings based on experience. Without feelings, facts lack context and exist in a vacuum. This is the most impactful tool I've learned, and proves useful in talking through tragedy and grief with children and adults alike. Bringing the memo full circle: simple, essential language such as "that makes sense," "I understand," "I can't imagine and I'm so glad to know about that," "I'd love to hear more," "how can I help," "could you explain that in a different way," "how does that feel to you," quickly diffuse any sense of difference and allows for breakthrough to clear, rich conversation. Whether a tough talk is an explanation to children or a separation from a job, the principles are the same.

Thank you to all of my mentors and advisors for crystallizing these nuggets for me! And team, if you've been crushing these for years, where have you been! ?? Give these a shot in your next hard talk and let me know how it goes. I would love to add your tools to my arsenal too.

About the Author. Sarah Apgar is a curious and loving spark plug, teacher, inventor, Founder & CEO of FitFighter , creator of feight. , Army and Iraq Veteran, former volunteer firefighter, Certified fitness professional, mom of 2 girls, and graduate of Blair Academy, Princeton University, and the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth. Sarah and FitFighter have been featured in Rolling Stone, Muscle & Fitness, Inc. Magazine, Oxygen, ESPNW, and on ABC's Shark Tank. She lives in Freeport, Maine with her husband Ben Smith, two girls Emory (7) and Arlyn (6), and King Charles Spaniel, Lou (3).