Three tips to be a better LGBTQ+ Ally

Life as an LGBTQ+ employee is a world away from the challenges faced in the past. But we’re still living in a time when 40% of LGBTQ+ employees are not out at work—and 26% of whom wish they could be.?

Recently, I was asked to speak about my own LGBTQ+ career journey. I love that my company is a place that encourages this kind of open dialogue and that I have peers that are willing to step up and share their journeys as well.

As I was thinking about what I wanted to say, I came back to the question of what makes a good ally? It’s something I’m often asked. And it’s important: people often have the willingness to be allies but don’t know where to start.

Ally is a verb, not a noun

One of my favorite quotes from my friends at Out Leadership is “The term ally should be a verb, not a noun.” It captures the essence that it’s not enough to just call yourself an ally, you also have to do something to further the cause.

There’s no simple answer here. Most people will make missteps and mistakes as they look to be allies… I’ve certainly made a few myself! But I think it helps to keep in mind a few common misconceptions that I’ve personally experienced from LGBTQ+ allies.

#1 LGBTQ+ isn’t just one community

While we share many common challenges, the LGBTQ+ community is made up of different individuals with different struggles. I always like to say there’s an L, G, B, T, Q and +. Each letter represents something unique and beautiful.

I represent the “G.” But I can’t be expected to know what it is like to be a lesbian, bisexual or transgender. That was not my journey. The same is true regarding intersectionality and where someone lives in the world. LGBTQ+ rights and acceptance will vary greatly based on these factors and they need to be taken into account if you’re an ally.

So it’s important to understand the uniqueness of everyone’s journey.?Just because someone is gay, doesn’t mean they know everything about the other letters of the community and vice versa. I too am on a journey and an ally to my fellow LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters.

#2 Coming out doesn’t just happen once

Many people feel comfortable sharing their first “coming out” story to family and friends. But what’s not often discussed is the fact that coming out is never a one and done exercise.

In fact, LGBTQ+ employees have to effectively decide whether to come out every time they meet someone new. With a job like mine, that can be a daily or weekly occurrence. And it can still create anxiety, even now.

First off, there’s the question of who I’m coming out to. Does this person have influence on my career? Where are they from? Do they seem religious? All these questions will impact the approach.

Then there’s the question of how to do it. It’s not a subject that naturally flows when you meet someone new. And because I don’t have a partner, I don’t have the opportunity to drop hints like “me and my partner did such and such this weekend.” I have to be more deliberate, which can make things awkward.

So my advice to allies is to recognize that even though your “out” colleague may seem perfectly happy being their authentic self, they face a constant struggle about whether and how to come out… and that can be an anxiety-ridden exercise.

#3 LGBTQ+ people don’t live in a bubble

I’m fortunate to have had wonderful friends and colleagues, both straight and gay. Sexual orientation never mattered to me in friendships. I was much more concerned whether they were kind, caring, loyal, open-minded, and genuine.

However, I’ve had many instances in my career of colleagues wanting to connect with me and show their allyship. Sometimes this means they awkwardly tell me they’ve been to Fire Island or vacationed in P-Town. Maybe they went to a drag brunch with their bestie. Or they have one other gay friend they want to set me up with because we’re both gay so we HAVE to be a match...

While I know the intention is good, this is not true allyship. It can border on playing into stereotypes. (I’ve only been to Fire Island once and never to P-town.) If you want to be an ally, just be authentic and be yourself.

Kindness and open-mindedness are all that really counts

So my overall advice to LGBTQ+ allies? Be kind and open-minded and the rest will take care of itself.

I should say that this blog is based on my own experience and perspectives. Others in the LGBTQ+ community may feel differently. That’s okay. Everyone has a unique journey to travel. And I respect that.

I feel fortunate to have had so many wonderful allies over the years. Keep it up, we need you!

I hope you've enjoyed this article and will share your thoughts in the comments.

#lgbt #diversity #inclusion #diversityandinclusion

Note: This article is a personal perspective and not connected to my current employer.