Three Things I Must Unlearn to Keep Growing

I’m writing these words to help myself process change, and to share my thinking with anyone who may be facing a similar decision. I am days away from leaving a great job with a great team, great organization, and great company… for voluntary unemployment. What am I thinking?!

A lot, in fact. And it would not be the first time I’ve written about over-thinking through change. But this time, my journey from seemingly endless ‘thinking’ to ‘action’ feels justified. I've spent months reconciling with my exhaustion at work, no matter how much or how frequently I take time off.

Workplace fatigue has been reported about extensively. But my inability to ‘replenish’ left me going down a rabbit hole, searching for diagnosis. Theories flowed abundantly, all sounding believable. Perhaps I could be recuperating differently during vacations. The important work of D&I and Human Resources can be draining. Maybe my nature doesn’t suit a role like Chief of Staff, or maybe I’m not mature enough to work with impressive executives every day.

But ultimately, the realization that felt ‘correct’ and made me stop ruminating was that my relationship with work doesn’t serve me well anymore. The issue isn't D&I work. Not Chief of Staff work. Not HR work. Just work.

To be fair, I don’t quite know how to change my relationship with work. But I’m slowly understanding that there are a series of attitudes I hold that make it extremely difficult to harmonize work with the rest of my life. More than a decade of conditioning & reinforcement has made it even harder for me to change these attitudes while at work.

Below are just three examples of attitudes I hold that will require considerable effort to release.?

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1) “My value as a human comes from work.”

I have never said this out loud, but my actions spoke louder than words ever could. Regardless of the job I’ve held, I’ve eventually grinded my way through a 60-hour work week. But a 60-hour week doesn’t seem justified when it feels agnostic of how much responsibility comes with different roles (why work 60 hours as an entry level associate AND a chief of staff?).

Those 60-hour work weeks also don't leave enough space for me to acknowledge the numerous ways people add value besides conventional notions of ‘work.’ I’m sure I’m not the only one. This deep-seated attitude shows up in icebreaker conversations when the first question that pops out of my mouth is ‘So, what do you do?’ I hope to increasingly replace this question with others.

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2) “I need a better reason to set a boundary with work.”

I have difficulty requesting time off unless I have a “good enough excuse”. A day off had to be tied to a short trip or commitment outside of work. A week off had to be tied to a longer trip. If I was home and technically available to work, no other excuse felt appropriate, like: “I want to take a day off to do a jigsaw puzzle!” or “I want to take a week off because I haven’t in a while.”

This attitude is even more pernicious for me in the day-to-day. I can start work early because "I’m up anyway." I can work late because "my wife is out of town, I don’t have kids, and nothing else is nearly as important." I can volunteer for an additional responsibility because "I know there’s no one else, and I’m a team player."

I plan to build more clarity around when to say no, and the confidence to say that ‘just because’ is enough of an excuse to set the boundary.

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3) “Whatever I do, I should aim to be the best at it.”

This mantra is the product of an upbringing where excellence was the goal. As a child, I was motivated by the progressive nature embedded in these words – it doesn’t matter what career I choose, but whether it's computer science or carpentry, shoot for the stars!

One problem here is that by nature, I find myself drawn to generalist work where I gain exposure to a wide variety of fields but am a master of none… and yet, this mantra pushed me to excel at everything I touched. Logically, I know I need to get better at acknowledging my limitations, but it is hard to feel at peace when I always rate myself as the least smart person in the room.

I need to do more to focus on myself rather than others, and in the wise words of a leader I admire, “reserve the right to be smarter tomorrow than I am today.” I can also do more to acknowledge that “being the best” isn’t always the right objective for me. For the complex issues I’ve faced at work recently, I recognize that collaboration, not competition, will achieve outcomes that are better for everyone, including myself (recalling points of view like “I am because we are”). And sometimes it's better to experience variety for variety's sake, simply to see all that life has to offer - and regardless of my skill at it.

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I acknowledge there’s a lot of privilege in the steps I am about to take. Many do not feel financially capable of leaving their jobs, especially in this uncertain macro-environment. Others don’t have the power of autonomous choice in how or when they leave, as evidenced by thousands of layoffs this year. Having the financial, social, and organizational freedom to leave is a blessing. I’m open to any thoughts or advice on how I might reorient myself to sustain the next phase of my career and remain in service to others. Whatever I (un)learn, I promise to pass it on!