Three Things The Empty Nest Taught Me?About Navigating Change?

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The adage that “the only thing constant is change” is coming up for me a lot lately. But it’s not only because, as I’ve written, several people I know have been changing jobs, homes, or other aspects of their lives as a byproduct of our new hybrid workplace. It’s also because it’s back-to-school season, and for me and many of my peers, that means sending our children off to college and, in some cases, returning home to an empty nest.?

Reckoning with an empty nest and the midlife anxiety that usually accompanies it might not be a seismic shift on par with a global pandemic and all the change it unleashed. It’s an example of what Harvard professor and Atlantic contributor Arthur Brooks calls an “ordinary” transition. In other words, we understand as parents that it’s the natural order of things for us to watch our children grow and develop and then release them into the world as young adults to find their way. But just because we can anticipate this shared milestone and collective experience, it doesn’t make navigating any easier. Becoming an empty nester, like most change, requires us to adapt to a new environment and perhaps even alter how we view ourselves, which can be deeply uncomfortable and unsettling. So, I wanted to share three things I’ve learned since becoming an empty nester in case it’s helpful for this or any other milestone that might be coming up for you:?

Have a Plan, But Be Flexible - I have said before that the best time to plan for a transition is before it happens, and this was definitely true for me as our kids approached the end of high school. My wife and I actively discussed travel and other experiences we would make the time for, as well as which new (or old!) activities and communities we might take up separately or together to replace some of the old rhythms of life with children at home. But remember to stay flexible. Life is not linear, and the wants and needs of adult children, careers, and other parts of your personal life can still encroach on the best-laid plans. Our lives as empty nesters are certainly more fluid, but we are happily still juggling many different demands on our time.

Dream Big - I always dreamt of returning to Barcelona when our kids left for college. It’s a place I feel deeply connected to, having lived there for two years when our kids were younger, and it still inspires me with its creativity and community. My vision is to spend a third of the year in Spain and two-thirds in the US now that I am less tied to any one physical location for work and our children’s education. I can’t predict what that dream will look like in reality from year to year (although I’m writing this from Barcelona, where I’m enjoying the end of summer). But research has shown that balancing the difficult aspects of change (sadness, regret, discomfort, dislocation) with a healthy dose of imagination and vision can be critical to a successful transition.?

Reframe the Relationship - I know the deep sense of loss and nostalgia that can set in when your kids leave home. But my approach has been to think of this milestone as not a challenge but an opportunity. Your kids are changing, so you have a chance to change your relationship with them. What are some new ways you might coach them through a problem, share new skills, or confide in them about your own adventures in adulting now that they are out in the world themselves? Rather than grieving your old self as the parent of small children, take this opportunity to redefine your role and relationship so you can continue to provide all that love and support in a way that reflects the new stage you both find yourselves in.

Ultimately, whether you are experiencing the empty nest, retirement, or another major life milestone, I believe staying flexible, dreaming big, and reframing key relationships can be signposts to help you find your way. Drop a comment below if you have any other advice to share for those of us while navigating a change…