Three techniques to enable more empathy in your life

In the longest research study on the topic so far, one element emerged as key to not just happiness but also health: relationships. Building connections with the people in your life is so crucial, it affects your actual health. How do you build those connections? Empathy. It is an increasingly sought after skill and has huge implications for your personal life and your success at work.

These are three techniques I use daily to make sure that I am open to connecting with others and have empathy as a core trait.

1. Realize that things are happening near me, not to me

Our brains are wired to look for patterns. We also see everything that happens through the lens of our own life. Combining these two systems can be problematic.

It turns out the rest of the world is usually not thinking about us as much as we are (unless you are Taylor Swift). For the rest of us, even the people closest to us are only thinking about us a small fraction of the time.

Recognizing this fact is crucial in telling the difference between things that happen to you and things that happen near you.

If you are overzealous about the patterns you see, and you take in situations that happen nearby, you are likely to determine that many things are happening to you.

The car that cut you off in traffic.

The person who took the last package of pasta off the shelf at the grocery store just before you.

Your significant other ignoring looking at their phone while you are doing a task you wish they would help with.

If you take each and every interaction personally, then there is a lot to be aggrieved about.

Here's the thing - it is equally as likely (or maybe even more so) that in each of those situations, the other person wasn't doing anything to you. They most likely weren't even thinking of you at all.

Every person has a huge bias towards self-attention. You believe that everyone else sees what you see, and therefore things that are inconvenient for you must have been intentional.

That pattern of thinking will lead to a huge victim complex.

Instead, try the opposite. Assume nobody is doing anything to you unless you have clear evidence to support it.

If the person cuts you off three times, rolls down the window, shouts and you and flips you off - then sure, they were doing it to you. Short of that? Assume they just aren't paying attention.

When I reframe a situation as happening near me instead of to me, I feel my body relax. I go from engaging the fight or flight to acceptance.

If I do need to engage with someone in these circumstances, I'm open to their perspective because I didn't start from a defensive position.

If I am feeling defensive, the opening comment to my partner who I think is ignoring me might be "Hey are you ever going to help me with this?"

But, in the case where I assume that it isn't about me, I might say "Oh maybe you didn't notice, but I could use some help."

Which one of those is more likely to have a positive outcome and lead to more connection?

2. Start every interaction fresh

Our brains are constantly cataloging every interaction with the people in our lives. This has a clear benefit - we can keep track of who has hurt us and steer clear, or who has been kind.

Similar to the previous idea, our brains can get a bit ahead of themselves in finding patterns though.

One way to combat this is to start every interaction fresh. Wipe the slate clean on all the previous interactions.

Of course, in cases of abuse or violence, this is terrible advice. Don't ever set aside that data.

I'm talking about the day-to-day frustrations of our relationships at home or work.

For instance - sometimes my son gives me a lot of attitude for no clear reason. A few hours later, when I go for another round, I try my best to start fresh. If I carry the grievance from the previous attitude, especially with my kids, it will only continue to spiral.

Note, that doesn't mean I ignore it. Once I have normalized the relations again, I'll mention it. "Hey, by the way, what was with that attitude before?"

From my experience, if I start each conversation trying to relitigate the previous one with my kids, we never get anywhere. If I can set it aside, have a normal interaction, then bring it back up, I usually get much better insight into what was going on.

The same principle holds at work. If you have labeled every coworker because you have worked with them for years, those labels will become self-fulfilling.

This person can't be trusted, so you don't trust them? They will certainly reciprocate.

Don't start the meeting until 5 minutes after because that coworker is always late, of course they won't bother coming until 5 minutes after the start time.

It can be difficult, but if you can tell your brain to give each person a fresh start every interaction, you will find that many of the patterns have changed or are overstated.

Then, by being the one who is bringing back the connection without the baggage, empathy will easily follow.

3. Reframe the stories I tell in my head

Our brains will naturally take in all the data around us and make a story about it. When it comes to other people, those stories are at best simplifications and at worst completely wrong.

Yet we make so many choices in how we interact based on those stories.

Recently my son was taking a long time getting ready for school in the morning. That is very unusual for him; he can normally get ready and out the door with little prodding from parents.

On this day, he wasn't. The story my brain went to was, "He isn't focusing and being distracted." My response? Keep prodding and pushing.

Finally as I walked by him, I gave a playful flick of the ear to get him going. In normal circumstances, that would get a "Hey!" and then he would go on with getting ready.

Today he burst into tears. I immediately realized that the story I had was all wrong.

He wasn't choosing to be slow this morning. He was struggling.

All the signs were there, but my brain told me a story and I believed it.

I changed the story to, "He can't do this and needs more support."

I sat down next to him on the couch and apologized. I told him I was here to help.

He let me help get his shoes on, then started doing it on his own.

He was able to get back on track. I was able to repair the connection and show empathy, but only because I could reject the story in my head and update it.

We have interactions like these all the time in life. Our brains make up a story, then we dive in as if that was the truth.

Pay attention to the story. Reframe it in the most charitable fashion. Assume everyone is doing their best and has positive intent until otherwise proven.

If I had started with, "He is slow today and that isn't like him. He must be struggling." I would have entered the situation with my son completely differently.

The story we tell ourselves is such a basic part of our brain's wiring, but questioning it enough to leave other interpretations open will allow for much easier access to connection and empathy.

The beauty of these techniques is that they all exist entirely in our own control. Each one is a method to unlock an open mind and will naturally encourage empathy by rewiring the shortcuts our brains make on their own. Teaching your brain these new patterns will allow you to access them more easily each time you need them as well.

They can be valuable tools to interrupt interactions that are going wrong. If a conversation is becoming more heated or contentious, they can act like a checklist. Do you find yourself feeling defensive or accusing? Verify that the situation happened to you, not near you. Are you pulling in piles of past incidents to make your case? Try wiping the slate clean and going from there. Are you frustrated with someone else's choices or behavior? Verify that your expectations are reasonable by checking the story you have told yourself.

In a lot of cases, any one of these techniques will allow you to unwind a complicated discussion and refresh your emotional state. Once you have done that, moving forward in a constructive manner. Empathy will come, and connection will follow.