The Three Secrets to a 30 Year Happy Marriage...

Not sure how it happened, but this year Lynn and I celebrate 30 years of Marriage…

We met at High School back in 1978 and have been together since 1979; in that time we've had two amazing Sons, lived in three countries, had careers and built our own companies…

Now living in France in the beautiful Moselle valley – we are living the dream we had as kids growing up in the post-industrial West Midlands in the UK…

...30 years is not unique – but it is special…

I see so many people who are separated or divorced – and of course these choices are sometimes the best choice for people, in relationships; however, it still saddens me to see that people aren't able to adapt, change and work it out…

We are asked by people what is the secret to a successful happy marriage – we ask ourselves the same question too…

I of course simply believe that Lynn was extremely lucky to find me and it is my tolerance and patience that has kept us together…

The truth, however, is somewhat different…

First, it’s not all a bed of roses – in any relationship there have to be ups and downs, smiles and tears, wins and losses; the expectation of a perfect “daytime TV” marriage will soon be dashed...

Once when asked if we had ever considered divorce, Lynn answer was...

Never...!
Murder Yes; Divorce No...

Second, it’s not “Luck”, that’s just a cop out and excuse for not changing your attitude and building the relationship you want…

We made a Promise...

When we were teenagers, we simply made a promise to each other, which was reaffirmed when we got married, that we would be together forever…

It’s a bit like being in a knife fight and bound at the wrists – you can hurt each other, but if you are bound together you soon learn that you have to adapt, change and figure it out…

We are totally interdependent, escape is not an option so we had better figure out how we adjust, adapt and change so that we are both happy and fulfilled – I don’t want to be tethered to a loser and nor does Lynn, so we make sure we are winners…

I also know that if Lynn hurts, I hurt; when she smiles I smile – I put her life before mine and she does the same for me, and keeping the promise to each other means we have no real choice anyway…

So what are the secrets of a 30 year marriage…?

I haven’t consulted her Royal Highness, or the Dutchess as she is known, but my take on it is simple and I can break it down to three key areas…

• Liking

We actually like each other – which may sound a bit obvious, but put aside marriage and everything else, we’d probably be good mates anyway…

We share common ground. Not interests and views particularly, but values, beliefs and mind-set…

Lynn still makes me smile, she makes me proud and privileged that she has chosen to be with me and build our life. After 37 years together, we still surprise each other and push each other to grow….

She is my favourite person, and if I had a choice of going for dinner with anyone from history, it would be Lynn because she is my history, my present and my future…

If you don’t like someone then the next two steps are irrelevant, if at your very core you don’t like someone; date them but don’t marry them…

If Liking was a drink it would be a Chicken Soup – warm, predictable, nourishing and comforting...

• Love

Love is different to liking in my experience – as kids we call it love but it’s not it’s just hormones and the thrill of the chase (see point 3…)

Love crept up on me, I don’t know when it happened, or the exact moment I realised it – but it is something that evolves over time…

Did we love each other when we first met…?

Honestly, probably not, not as we feel it now…

Love is a strange emotion that imprints someone else in your psyche such that you feel physical pain when they are not close….

It is like having a silken thread that ties us together, every experience, smile, event and conversation adds a thread making the bond stronger over time…

The thread can be strained from time to time but it never disappears, love is the fear of loss combined with passion and gratitude; it is the highest level of connection one can have with another person…

It can’t be bought, predicted or broken; loving is not liking – you can love someone and not like them…

It’s a bizarre cocktail of loyalty, connection and interdependency and it has to work both ways - Love has to be received as it is given...

If Love was a drink - it would be a Rich Red Wine that matures with age and whose flavours and true character evolves with time and patience, and of course is best shared...

•  Lust

In my opinion, Lynn is the most gorgeous creature to walk the earth…

I find her compelling, intoxicating and infuriating in equal measure – she makes my pulse race and my eyes dilate…

She haunts my thoughts when we are apart and inspires my dreams when we are together…

Of course you have to Lust after your partner – if you don’t then someone else will…

Lust is neither Liking or Loving, and not to be confused – lust is fleeting and temporary. It’s basic and instinctive, it’s one of our most powerful emotional drivers and motivators, but alone it is solitary, empty and meaningless….

If Lust was a drink - it would be a Champagne Cocktail, not for every day perhaps but amazing and fun when the opportunity arises; but remember you can't live on it...

So you’ll need all three…

Whilst all three are necessary, they may be in different proportions, but I'm certain they have to be present all the time…

• If you Love and Lust but there is no Liking – you are in desperation mode and risk being a doormat…
• If you Like and Lust but there is no Love – then it’s just an extended one night stand and you'll sober up soon…
• If you Like and Love but there is no Lust – then you are simply best friends or unpaid carers …

When all three are combined, that’s when the magic happens; that’s when it all seems to make sense – my job is to be Likeable, worthy of Love and able to inspire a bit of Lust from time to time…

Fundamentally a great marriage depends on two things the person you marry and the person you are willing to become…

And do you have to be married…?

I am biased – but yes – it is another silken thread that binds and secures, it is a commitment and a contract with yourselves, your community and your God….

...Marriage adds more silken threads to strengthen the bond between people…

If I look at where relationships fall down – it’s simply because one or more of the Cogs is missing or broken; sometimes the Cogs get strained or need maintenance in a relationship, but if they are completely missing then there is the potential for trouble ahead…

And – it takes work…

Not physical work but emotional, both of us have to grow at the same pace, sometimes Lynn races ahead and I have to catch up, sometimes it’s the other way round...

So there is really no secret to a 30 year marriage – anyone can do it – and plenty of people do…

David Holland MBA is Business and Executive Coach - he's also a Husband of 30 years; to the same person too, Dad to two amazing boys, an only Child (explains a lot...) a Drummer and a Biker...

His cooking sucks - apart from Christmas breakfast which is awesome, ask Jon and Rich- but he can fix cars, is kind to animals and is really good at enabling people to achieve remarkable results both personally and professionally...

He's published 48 books, (thank goodness for spell-check...)worked in 25 Countries, lives in France and has offices in Luxembourg, the UK and the USA...

His friends call him Dutch and Lynn calls him anything she likes because we all know who the boss really is...

You can come along to one of his events - click HERE to find out where in the world he'll be appearing next...

AND - you can even drop him an email to see how he can be involved - he'll even do a keynote for your conference if it's due to be held somewhere warm...

[email protected]