Three Rules for Better Conversations

How You Sit, Listen, and Speak Matters

When you’re building relationships and a social network around yourself, every single conversation, every single interaction, matters. Success or failure in every social interaction can rest on small social cues you may not even know you are sending. So, here are three rules for better conversations that hit on how you sit, listen, and speak and how those things can change people’s perception of you.

How to Sit or Stand

Believe it or not, humans start reading facial expressions and body positioning long before we’re able to walk. It’s a built-in ability rooted in the survival strategies all animals have and, in humans, it has surprising applications.?

The best stance to take, in any conversation, is to keep your arms and shoulders loose, hands open, (crossing your arms is a near-universal symbol that you’re uncomfortable or even angry and clenched fists mean the same) and to lean in slightly. That slight lean is important and takes a little getting used to. A slight lean conveys that you’re actively interested in the conversation while a more dramatic lean might convey that you’re hard of hearing or–in certain cultures–making a bow.?

If you are sitting, sit up. Slouching is a bad idea in all but the most relaxed circumstances and generally indicates a lack of engagement and/or energy.?

Another important body cue is nodding. Nodding occasionally when you are listening to a speaker reassures them that you are actively listening which, in itself, is an important piece of any conversation.

How to Listen

How to listen may sound intuitive, but if you’ve ever spoken to a teen more interested in their phone than your conversation, you know it’s not. Active listening means really listening and proving that you’re listening. Yes, you can and should nod and “uh-hum” at all the appropriate moments, but it’s so much deeper than that.?

First up, pay attention! Don’t go somewhere else in your head, don’t click away to a different tab and work on a different topic during video calls, don’t examine the raindrops on the window. Pay attention, or people will notice that you aren’t.?

Also, when you listen, you should be listening, not interrupting, if at all possible. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions. You absolutely should be asking questions, and we’ll get to that in a moment, but your primary task is to listen attentively. Then, show that you are listening attentively by occasionally repeating back what you’re hearing, paraphrasing, and asking clarifying questions.

How to Speak

There are all sorts of conversational tips out there about how much of your conversation should be speaking and how much should be listening. Some even try to put a percentage to it. Honestly, it sounds like nonsense. You should speak, in your conversations, as much and as often as it makes sense to in that conversation. That’s all.?

How do you know when it makes sense? Easy. Your active listening has already put you in a mode where you are closely attuned to what the other party or parties in your conversation are saying, so simply break in when there’s a lull in the conversation, when you feel something needs clarification, or when a topic leads you to another.?

When you do speak, make sure you’re linking back to earlier pieces of the conversation to build continuity. Further, whenever you ask questions, make sure they’re open ended. What’s the difference? Consider the following two frivolous examples: “Do you like gorgonzola cheese?” vs. “What’s your favorite cheese?” Open-ended questions are bits that can lead to further conversation while closed (yes or no) questions tend to end conversations quickly.?

Is there more to being a fine conversationalist? Absolutely. A lifetime more. However, these three rules give you the framework on which to build solid conversational skills, learn, and improve as you go. Try it yourself: you may be surprised how much just these three tips change things in your professional relationships.