Three P's in a Pod - Which One Are You?

Perfectionist, People Pleaser or Procrastinator?

This article will help you recognise whether any or all of these three P’s affect you and your leadership style.

Hello Three P’s in a Pod!

Whatever your job or role in a business inevitably you may have experienced any or all of the three P’s. In fact, you may say “that’s me” and clearly recognise yourself or surprise yourself by reading what each of these three P’s mean and the reasons why you may do what you do.

The three P’s can help you in work and determine your leadership style by understanding how you think and behave. Whether you are the leader of a company or not, you are the CEO of your life. You have to make decisions every day and take responsibility for your actions. Therefore, in some contexts, we are all leaders – regardless of our job titles.

What do the three P’s all have in common? Anxiety. At a deeper level – it is fear.

You may not even link any of the three P’s to anxiety because you have other reasons or validations that justify your behaviour. However, if you extract down to the core - anxiety or fear are usually there at the root of it.

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is what your body experiences when your brain thinks about something you know you have to do but do not want to do.

Anxiety feeds off avoidance. When you avoid doing something it actually makes the anxiety worse. The easiest thing to do when you feel anxious is to distract yourself so you do not have to think about it or deal with it. But, the anxiety does not go away; it gets worse.

The funny thing is if you really think about it, anxiety is future based – not past based. Neither the past or the future exist in the present moment. Whatever is causing you anxiety has not happened yet (in the present moment) and may never happen. It is the story (or nightmare) movie you have created that you do not want to star in.

For example, think of a time when you have avoided having a difficult conversation? Did the anxiety go away even if you distracted yourself with other things to do, put it off etc? In the long run, the anxiety gets worse. Then when you are forced to have the conversation or you are confronted unexpectedly, you do not have a good strategy of how to manage it. When you take control and take that step to deal with the anxiety you come out of it more confident.

Anxiety when it is short term can be healthy – it can help build your confidence and self-esteem but it is not healthy when experienced long term where its effects impact a person's mental and physical well-being.

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Neeta Halai is a solicitor, trainer/coach, author and artist. Through her business New Heights Training? www.nh-training.co.uk she helps people improve and upgrade their communication skills and legal skills using the psychology of human behaviour, emotional intelligence and language patterns.

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Let us look at each of the three P’s in turn and see how their positive attributes also have negative attributes which can affect your life and leadership style.

Hello Perfectionist!

This one is often popular and linked to a person’s very high standards and expectations. This can be heavily influenced by your profession or work.

• The Positives:

-??????? It offers comfort that what you will do will be to a high standard and good quality.

-??????? It shows you take pride and care about what you do.

-??????? It shows you want the best results.

• The Negatives:

-??????? You make your standards and expectations so high that you are hard on yourself when you do not meet them.

-??????? You impose the same standards and expectations on others which can adversely affect your working relationships.

-??????? You can often be seen as focusing on the micro (less important) than the macro (bigger picture) which can be exhausting and intense.

-??????? ?You end up ‘wasting’ time by spending much longer than needed – which affects your time management and productivity.

-??????? You find it hard to accept constructive criticism. If you do agree with it – you are hard on yourself for not realizing it yourself before it was said.

-??????? In teams, you want to control the narrative and put your own ‘stamp’ on the way things are done because you think your way is more superior.

If you have ever used this in job interviews when asked about your weaknesses’ I think it is one to avoid. Although it may seem like a positive weakness to share - you can now see why it may not always be seen that way.

So, is anxiety linked to perfectionism?

Yes. Often you see any mistakes (even minor ones) as a poor reflection of you and your professionalism. It can be linked to low self-esteem and insecurity and on a deeper level a fear of failure. Your values around ‘quality’ mean you put a lot of pressure on yourself.

In a work context, if you are new in a leadership or managerial role it is a shift in identity from your previous job title to your new one. This may make you feel the need to make sure you are seen to be stepping up and have earnt your stripes. The anxiety if you are a perfectionist can be disruptive if any of the negatives impact your role.

Leadership does not mean ‘it is my way’ but having an agile and flexible approach to seeing what works best and accepting and crediting good ideas. They do not make you look weak for not coming up with them but make you more likeable, credible and respected - so people want to work for/with you; not have to work for/with you.

Perfectionism solution:

Get comfortable with ‘good enough’ – it will probably still be better than average.

Be kinder to yourself (and others) when your own high standards and expectations are not met – it is not validation for how incompetent you are or others – but a chance to recognise that you set unrealistic expectations and need to learn to adapt them.

Hello People-pleaser!

Who would not want to be around people who are easy going, always helpful and never say ‘no’? However, there are positives and negatives to being a people-pleaser:

• The Positives:

-??????? You are liked by most people.

-??????? You are pulled in many directions because you are popular.

-??????? You always want to be helpful and be seen as supportive.

• The Negatives:

-??????? You burn yourself out by always saying ‘yes’ – even if it is to your detriment.

-??????? You do not have the skills to be assertive for why you cannot do something.

-??????? You are more likely to be passive-aggressive in your behaviour when forced to say ‘yes’.

-??????? You can come across as two-faced or disingenuous.

-??????? Your opinion may be taken less seriously because you are seen as an ‘easy pleaser’.

-??????? You do it for validation and to be liked.

So, is anxiety linked to people-pleasing?

Yes. You worry how you will be perceived by others if you say ‘no’. This often means you will agree to do things that you might not be happy to do just because you are worried about what someone might think of you.

Often, those you always help will like you – but at some stage - they could end up taking you for granted. To earn respect, you have to be clear what your own boundaries are and convey them in a way that helps the people that rely on you to know they cannot take your help for granted.

The fear of being seen as a failure is another reason to people please. It is a way of getting validation especially if you felt a lack of it growing up or even in adulthood.

If you find you can relate and are always saying ‘yes’ - even to your detriment - this will only breed resentment in the long term and affect your own mental and physical wellbeing.

You want to be liked by everyone but being a people pleaser is not the best way to go about it and does not make you an effective leader.

People-pleaser solution:

You can continue to be sociable and likeable – but also be clear about your boundaries.

People are more likely to respect you when you are assertive in your reasoning for why you cannot do something or provide an alternative solution. Quickly agreeing to everything to please everyone and stretch yourself too thin means the quality of what you do can be impacted.

The amount of pressure you put on yourself and the feeling of being overwhelmed can mean you end up procrastinating. Validating a delay in starting something by giving yourself ‘excuses’ to justify your behaviour can also lead to not meeting people’s expectations and disappointing them.

Hello Procrastinator!

When you feel overwhelmed by the choices so do not want to make a decision, you put it off. You do everything else but focus on what actually needs your attention.

Procrastination also happens when you have lost your sense of direction and focus so you feel stuck. You lack motivation so drift along in the hope that things will work themselves out without a plan or strategy.

So, is anxiety linked to procrastination?

Yes. Often it stems around fear of failure to do or perform a task. You put exceptionally high pressure on yourself and your expectations (ie perfectionism) which means you find reasons why you do not need to do it and put it off. This feeds insecurity and affects your self-esteem and confidence in your own ability because you worry about what others will think of you and what you do.

• The Positives:

-??????? Allows you time to think and not feel so stressed and pressured into making quick decisions

-??????? Some people work better under pressure so perform better

-??????? Less pressure on time means it allows for creative problem-solving or solutions

• The Negatives:

-??????? Increases anxiety the longer you put off the task or decision

-??????? Can affect the quality of work if rushed and not thoroughly completed

-??????? Affects time management and relationships if you are working with others

Procrastinator solution:

Always recognise why you have consciously chosen not to deal with something in the moment and be honest with yourself.

Acknowledging and recognising the feeling makes it more tangible and manageable so less of an excuse or validation to put it off.

If it is a big task or decision, a small action is a good start rather than thinking you have to deal with it in one go.

Underlying it all…

The three P’s can adversely affect your life especially if you do not know why you do what you do. The three P’s are all impacted by anxiety linked to different many different fears. A common one is: fear of failure.

Working through any of these three P’s will be individual for each person and when you recognise your own behavioural patterns it is amazing how much more in control you feel when dealing with new or challenging situations.

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There are so many more angles and suggestions this article could have included so Neeta is always interested in hearing about your experience – share them in the comments.

Would you like to work with or collaborate with Neeta on anything discussed in this article? Get in touch...

Neeta Halai is a solicitor, trainer/coach, author and artist. She helps people improve and upgrade their communication skills and legal skills through her business New Heights Training? www.nh-training.co.uk . Her work involves using the psychology of human behaviour, emotional intelligence and language patterns. She is the first published author of Skilfully Passing the Solicitors Qualifying Examination (SQE) – the new way to qualify as a solicitor. She is also an artist with artwork commissioned and has had artwork exhibited in Central London in the Rolls Building (NeetaHalaiArt).?