Three Magic Words

"I summon thee ..." Nah, I'm totally kidding. "I am responsible."

I'm currently reading "No Excuses!" by Brian Tracy and practicing some of the techniques suggested. One of the techniques that struck me was his exhortation for us to take responsibility for our lives, instead of blaming external circumstances.

It's been very easy to blame the pandemic for everything that went wrong.

If it weren't for the virus and subsequent need for a vaccine, there wouldn't be an auto-immune disorder (although the causal link has yet to be proven).

If it weren't for a toxic work environment, I wouldn't be so depressed.

If it weren't for the pandemic, I wouldn't have lost so many close friends (not because they passed away but because there is great potential for misunderstandings and hurt feelings when we rely heavily on text-based communication).

I first came across this idea of taking responsibility many years ago when I read "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!" by Susan Jeffers. She shared a similar concept in which she stated that although many of us have learned to care for ourselves in adulthood, we have never actually left the crib in an emotional way. We still subconsciously believe that there is someone out there who will take care of us. This idea has its roots in religion as well. When things don't work out the way we want, it becomes easy to blame the invisible force instead of taking responsibility.

I recall an incident from my early years at Workbrain Inc in which I felt very inspired by a colleague's actions. He was a relatively new employee, fresh out of university, just like myself. We were all a very young team. He made a mistake of some kind, one that would have a negative impact on the software written to date. He was very quick to apologize via email. "I take full responsibility for ..." While I don't remember what the exact mistake was, these words still echo in my mind. I remember thinking it was very brave of him. Everyone was very kind about it.

A similar incident had a very different outcome in a second workplace. A co-op student had run a script that unfortunately contained the fatal command "rm -rf". We were not sure how this came about. We found ourselves asking one another whether a disgruntled former employee had deleted all our source code when he found out that he was being terminated. Eventually, the root cause was discovered. Although the student's mentor (an individual contributor) was not aware of the existence of this text, she was verbally attacked by her lead to the point where she asked, "Why are you yelling at me?" When I expressed sympathy for this individual, I was similarly ridiculed. I was a young team lead myself and I remember feeling that it was not worth the cost of all the source code in the world to deprive another human being of their self-respect and dignity. Even if a costly mistake had been committed and needed to result in termination of employment, it could have been done in a way that allowed the individual to depart without undergoing the additional pain of public humiliation.

Although the first anecdote had a more positive outcome than the second, Brian Tracy insists that in both cases, we are responsible. We need not be a victim of other people's behavior. We still have the power to choose how we respond. He reframes the word 'responsibility' as 'response-ability', i.e. the ability to choose our response instead of giving in to the knee-jerk reaction when our emotional buttons are pushed or when we are triggered.

I've taken to repeating "I am responsible!" when I find myself dwelling on some negative aspect of life. It's been very healing and liberating. Brian Tracy has an additional exercise in which he asks readers to recall some unpleasant incident from their past that they are unable to forget or some individual whom they are unable to forgive. He asks us to list a way in which we were responsible for what took place. I would not apply this technique to trauma survivors since it comes uncomfortably close to 'blaming the victim' but for regular, everyday frustrations, it seems to work well. It reminds me that I also had some power in the situation and that I can also forgive myself for not having been perfect. These experiences were useful 'learning moments.'

One of my favorite take-aways from "No Excuses" was Brian Tracy's statement, "This is your life. This is not a dress rehearsal. What will you make of it?" (cue the opening credits from the '80s show, "Who's The Boss?"):

??The choice is up to you, my friend.??