Three Little Nuggets: Marriage (Bonus included)

Marriage is indeed a great institution with equally great challenges, opportunities and fruits.

It has a great bearing on satisfaction you draw from doing the things that you love - you can have an easy time or a hard time pursuing your passions based on how you participate in your marriage.

Always ask yourself this question: How will my family remember my passions when I am no longer here; will they see them as the things that brought life to us, or simply as those things that stole the life out our your relationships...robbing us of any intimacy and purpose in our fellowship?

From my journey in business and marriage, I'll attempt to pen 3 things that I may dare say are primarily key to us all in running a successful marriage and hence free you to have a meaningful and peaceful life....that's if you are married or plan to be.

If you are not married, not to worry; the Love and Respect material should apply when taking care of your daughter or son; niece or nephew respectively or other dependent that you may be responsible for before during or after you feel that you are just playing a cello to the goats and ultimately need God's help. I digressed. 

Happy marriages begat happy employees, happy employers, happy entrepreneurs and has a positive impact on the rest of the nations human capital. Therefore, below the 3 things that I believe make for a beautiful and satisfying marriage:

 1. God, the author of the code

Many people try to decode men and women at an attempt at equipping us for marriage, especially around the wedding preparation time (to me the advice I got during this period from people I deeply love and greatly respect - further compounded my confusion about this institution of marriage).

The first thing to note is that God created us in His image, Loves us unconditionally and individually despite our past, present and future.

Back to marriage. You'll get advice ranging from how you:

- need to talk a lot with your spouse about everything (I had known mine for more than 10 years and speaking was not the issue...but there was still a deep feeling that there was still more that needed to be done, just could't get my finger to it)

- need not tell your spouse everything about your life; both fears and things that give you hope and purpose (then you wonder, why get married in the first place)

Only until recently after years of fighting to prevent myself succumbing to the myth that men and women are complicated, did it finally become clear to me; that all along these loved ones amidst their seemingly warped message had the answer.

 The Holy Grail...it's been hidden all along in plain sight for all eyes to see... or is it tongue to be understood!

If you notice their advice revolves around communication...

You know that God instructs us to do two different things in a marriage, based on how he created us:

• Men are instructed to Love their wives and,
• Women to respect their husbands.

Look at it this way, if you met a French national today who was key to you closing on a huge business deal - you'll want to get a translator in order to communicate to him or her in French (his native language) so that (s)he truly grasps what the big idea is and the same for him/her they'll need to get an English translator for you guys to effectively communicate.

 The mother tongue for women is love (they may know respect, but they understand love) same to men, their mother tongue is Respect (they may know love, but they understand respect)...just like the big money French dude we just met, he may understand a bit of English, but he comprehends better and primarily when spoken to in his native tongue, French

 The long and Short:

God created us man and woman in His own image; He equally created the marriage institution for us to thrive and do good from it. In His word therein lies the holy grail.

 2. Men, Love your wives!

 You'll notice that men were not instructed to respect their wives, not that wives do not deserve respect; however because God in creating men, God knew that they well know & understand how to freely give respect but have a heck of a hard time figuring out and freely giving love and; it would be overkill/confusing to instruct them to respect their wives while there is the primary focus on the need of them to get it that it's Love they need to focus on. 

Game changer

Women's primarily language is Love and when they receive this...they thrive and will freely give the respect to their husbands; and if they don't receive love from their husbands they will acting in ways that are condescending; that look to communicate that husbands do not deserve their respect - not because they do not love their husbands, but because they are trying to communicate to them that they are being starved of love.

That said, the acts that show a woman love may appear to be boring, mundane, some may find them repetitive or pointless at times e.g. calling her in middle of day to say I love you, everyday! (Is once, not enough? - some poor men would ask), taking the family out for lunch, setting family time and sticking with it and if it rarely changes communicate before hand, date nights etc

Learn to speak to her in her native language, Love!

Since, men find it not in their natural base code to love a woman and for the woman to find it easy to respect them then the men have to tow the line and consistently communicate in a language the wife understands; as love is that language and not respect.

On numerous occasions during my marriage, I'd come home late, disappear to work on a odd Sunday or forget the odd birthday etc. It never once in like 4 years of our marriage, ever occur to me that I was denying my wife the supply of love which she thrives on. I just knew that, I was working hard for us all, that I assumed was my way of showing love to her (you could say, I was communicating to our Big Money French dude in English with no translator in sight or ear shot).

To her my efforts on loving her were not deliberate and full of inconsistencies (she knew I knew how to be deliberate and consistent as I did with the business, but not with the family, and to her in particular - the business seemed to be primary).

 So, even if I were out there looking and breaking my back to provide or come up with ways of providing...it meant nothing to her nor my family if not communicated in a language she understands, love. That's when I became aware and deliberate with communicating in my wives native language.  

 The long and Short:

Your wife's native language is love, go Google, ask her, suggest, discuss and put into your Google calendar all the things both mundane or exciting schedules you need to adhere to in order to show your wife that you love her...until it comes natural to you, then you can choose to loose of keep the Google reminders.

You know how to give love: you have done it to that business/project that was just an idea, the job you are good or hobby that you are now good at, the passions; you know how to love your mother and most importantly you brought that A game with you while you were courting your wife.

You do not want your wife to inadvertently or purposely out of frustration bite the bait from someone else out there; who was just simply showing love either intentionally or unintentionally to a woman that was visibly or otherwise starved of her primary need, love...you want your wife's love reserves overflowing, so that she does not bite the bait or you kill her spirit inside or outside the marriage.

3. Women, Respect your husbands!

Also women were not instructed to love, but to respect their husbands. God knows that respect is hard for them to give and that their men need it to thrive.

Straightforward?

Men's native language is one of respect. So, when a wife calls her husband just to say that she loves him or gives him food or sex and all other creature comforts that a wife afford their men...that is the wife simply communicating in her own mother tongue to her husband and expecting to be reciprocated. Problem is, the husband's mother tongue is one of respect.

Don't get me wrong, whereas all these things are perfectly ok and important to do; the woman needs to do 7 times more respect related activities for every 1 love activity that she freely and easily can give in order for her man to be prompted to reciprocate with love. (vice versa for the man in giving unconditionally and freely giving his wife love and expecting respect in return)

 To further compound the problem, the men have a hard time expressing that they are being starved off of respect to thrive in the marriage; as they can easily be misconstrued as being chauvinistic or someone who wants to 'sit' on their wife or worse still, may be looked upon as a cry baby in a macho man driven society...they end up starving because they do not know how best to communicate it.

Women on the other hand know how to communicate that they are running low on love, while men will take it in and suffer in silence; as their loving wife wonders why the love she is pumping him seems to be going into a an abyss - how or what more can I do? I have tried this and that. How greedy or ungrateful is this husband? would be the theme of numerous husband bashing or mind eating worries with friends or family.

Just like the man, the wife is often clueless, as there are no greeting cards, cues, trends in society or Google messages that they can stumble upon to remind them to express the respect they feel for their man. What they'll end up getting is an 'I love you' card...that if the man given a choice, would rather get the 'I respect you' card 7 times over the I love you one.

 That said, in addition to calling to say that you love your husband, call to reflect on how secure you feel that he is thinking and working hard to make ends meet, bridge a gap or project the family to a future that you appreciate etc. You can also tell this to your friends just as you usually go and share your frustrations...it's good practice grounds :) .

 The long and short:

Your husband's native language is respect, figure out what this means to him - the things he is passionate and loves to do for the family and ask, suggest, discuss, pray and thank him.

You know how to give respect: you have done it at work with your employer or boss, to your folks, and most importantly you brought that A game when you were being courted when you appreciated his dreams, visions, aspirations and deeds.

You do not want your husband to inadvertently or purposely bite the bait from someone else out there; who was just showing respect either intentionally or unintentionally to a man that was visibly starved of his primary need, respect...you want your husband's respect reserves full to the brim, so that he does not bite the bait or you kill his spirit inside or outside the marriage.

Summary:

Now, you may say that the wife does not respect me so why show her love of course vice versa for the lady, why show respect to a person that does not deserve it. This hard stance can lead to a vicious cycle that will only take the marriage to the cleaners. You can read more on how to break this cycle: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Some couples may be lucky enough to be equally yoked; in the sense at the start they both believe in a greater purpose or God, good for them.

If you're not that lucky your role is to live your faith and purpose in God to be able to influence your partner from your deeds. Do not waste your energy trying to change them, your belief will and that is their own personal journey with God. You may however nudge them with questions, suggestions, appreciation etc and since the basis of your decision making is known, this removes guesswork on what you are about and that it is not a personal attack as the word of God is known, consistent and without fault.

All said and done, to some things may never be as simple as 1,2,3; especially where things may have spiraled into physical, emotional or verbal abuse...nothing is ever lost - proper counseling (professional or centered around God will help).

Always pays to involve professionals; if we can get lawyers/financial advisers when we want to buy land or shares in a company, why not get a counselor when excrement hits the fan within your marriage?

 Bonus

Today, I'll throw in a Bonus as it's a related question I usually get asked.

How do you know whether he/she is the right one?

The answer is simple, you don't. Just like a business idea...you identify, commit and put in time and resources in making it work. However, do not forget to do your feasibility study; as most people who start a business forget to do this important exercise, they just jump in since everyone is doing it and others have done it before.

What to look out for in a feasibility study?

Before we started the 2nd phase of Haltons Pharmacy journey, we commissioned a study by one of the big consumer research companies to better understand what we thought we knew or needed to know about the market. Fortunately for you, you do not have to go to this scale for your feasibility study on the potential 'the one'. Just cover these items at least and you'll have enough material to make a choice that you are willing to live with.

a. Degree of belief in a higher power/purpose than in or for him/herself?

This is important as were put here to grow what God gave us (skills, resources etc) to further His will on earth. 

b. How do they relate with their Family members?

You too will become a family member, but unlike the blood ones - you made the choice to join in. So, remember soon you'll be treated with same love or contempt as they treat each other with.

How do they deal with conflict, How do they Love, How do they say thank you, How do they Hate, How do they forgive, How do they forget, How do they pay back?

Marriage is full of these both in times of plenty and in time of lack. So, take time and do your due diligence?

c. How do they relate with the 'low' of the society

This usually gives a good glimpse into the inner wiring of the person at their core.

d. How long should this exercise take?

I have had several investors including myself put in money in several of my ideas. The ones that spent a longer duration during due diligence stage, we have had a somewhat smoother ride than those that took a shorter time at this stage.

So, you alone know how long that period will take - my wife and I spent 10 years of due diligence on each other (maybe not actively, but we knew each and of other 10 years before we got married) and still that was not enough (mostly because we did not have the 'right' code - yours need not take that long of course as you now know the 3 + 1 things to look out for in a good marriage :) ).

Image LINK: Link to bible based due diligence check list: You and I usually consult everyone else except God and ourselves on matters getting into or staying in a marriage (hope this article and tool help with moving us from relying on romance only without education and empowerment of our own selves to be confident and proactive with choices around this topic)

Three Little Nuggets: This is a series based on hindsight advice in different aspect of life for the 20 year old me....and most definitely the 40 year old me when the time cometh.

Acknowledgements: To God, for finding me a good thing in my wife.

To my wife, Thank you for the second chance.

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