Three life-changing lessons my most recent toxic job taught me

When it comes to recovering from toxic relationships, the web has a plethora of articles, peer-reviewed studies, and entertaining TikTok videos that provide ample advice on how to navigate the messy aftermath. In the same vein, when researching advice on navigating toxic workplaces the results are typically the same. Nearly all of the sources come to the same conclusion which is to move on to greener pastures. While this content is well-meaning, it usually skims the surface of a much larger problem, and begs the question: “Why are the victims of toxic behavior usually conditioned to simply leave a toxic team, when the source of toxicity is allowed to resume their malicious behavior unscathed?”

A year ago, I decided to join a Silicon Valley-based design agency after a few rounds of interviews with multiple companies. I chose this organization because of the stellar impression they left on me in comparison to the other organizations. This communication-based agency seemed to check almost all of my boxes initially. They proclaimed to place the utmost importance of fully supporting and fostering talented designers like myself, and their enthusiasm towards my creative body of work was very flattering.

I was so enamored by this false premise; it took months for me to finally recognize the toxic underpinnings that was essentially infused into this company’s DNA quite possibly from its inception. The CEO would make lofty promises of future growth, and the importance of work-life balance during our monthly all hands meetings. Other execs would make moving speeches of overcoming obstacles, we would laugh, cry, and applaud those speakers for sharing their stories with awe.

Looking back with a fresh perspective, I now realize this sycophantic behavior equates to the cornerstone of success within this organization. As the initial glimmer of the company began to fade, the reality abruptly set in that the honeymoon phase was over. Days turned into weeks, and weeks rolled into months as I subconsciously pieced together patterns of behavior that I found alarming. My intuitive approach to design as a creative was at odds with my newly appointed art director, and she made it very clear that efficiency was far more important than creativity. Therein lies the problem. My desire to push the envelope creatively challenged traditional rigid design thinking.

I recall twisting myself into a proverbial pretzel in an attempt to find some middle ground with her, but looking back I realized I never stood a chance once her preconceived notion of me was already set. To describe my former Art Director as duplicitous would be the understatement of the century, but in hindsight I can’t help but to compare her to the toxic nature of black mold. In order for mold to thrive, it must be in the right environment that supports its growth. Ultimately, I learned that my underhanded leader was merely a symptom, but not the cause.

To process my traumatic experience and inevitable end at this establishment, I created a list of the behavioral patterns that I witnessed at my time there, and felt it was necessary to share my insights with others in order to save them from the anxiety and mental anguish that environments like this promote.

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Lesson #1 – Beware of The Hive Mind

A hive mentality happens when a person bases their personal decisions on whatever a group generally thinks or believes. In my experience, once my Art Director had a fixed perception of me, the attitude of the team shifted dramatically towards me as well. I can recall the number of times being virtually ignored on our daily morning zoom calls. I would stare blankly at my computer screen as one teammate would ramble on and on about their banal day to day experiences within modern day suburbia. They would often speak ill of the client, and anyone else that did not seem to fall in their "perfect" realm of acceptability.

Shortly after the vapid stories would conclude, the rest of the team would croon in unison like some wayward choir at your local church. The immense need to be validated and praised was almost palpable. The mindless chatter would continue on for the majority of the scheduled time, and they would quickly rush over work details as if it were an after thought. On my end however, I found that I was constantly invalidated by the team members, my work was constantly over-critiqued, and whenever I attempted to engage with them I was met with an awkward wall of silence. They would then quickly change the subject in order to subtly dismiss my input altogether. Individually members would occasionally engage with me, but as a group it was clear I was an outsider, and no one wanted to be affiliated with that.

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Lesson #2 – Social Ostracism is Often the Main Feature of Toxic Teams

Following up to the Hive Mind Mentality, I found that although I didn’t care to interact with my team overtime, the silence I received from them was almost deafening. To be unanimously excluded and rejected from any social group can and will take its toll on one’s mental health. In response, I decided to lean on what I like to call my Co-Historians. My Co-Historians consisted of family, friends, current and former colleagues that were with me through most of my professional journey to remind me of the true value that I bring to the table.

They kept me grounded while I tried to navigate my way around a very unstable time in my life. This was a great buffer for me as I tried to move past the uncomfortable feeling that social isolation usually brings. According to a study at the National Library of Medicine: "Individuals who experience chronic ostracism or otherwise feel lonely can experience extreme outcomes, such as feelings of alienation, unworthiness, depression, helplessness, and increased mortality rates."

The ostracism I experienced creeped in slowly. Week after week I was excluded from projects, ignored on team chats, and overlooked for opportunities to assist the team with important projects. Initially I looked inward, and tried to identify whether the communication breakdown was coming from my end. I would even over-communicate with my team lead at times in an attempt to correct the disconnect, but the reaction from her was always the same: delayed, minimal, and subtly dismissive.

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Lesson #3 – Corporate Love Bombing

As I stated in the beginning, the initial onboarding process was an overwhelmingly positive experience. My initial team provided me with both stellar and constructive feedback consistently and often. I was gifted books, meals, shiny new tech, gift cards, and more. I found everyone to be extremely kind and complimentary, but the joyful Kumbaya fest ultimately devolved into something more alarming. Although the gifts were great, they came at a steep cost. According to an article on Psychology today titled "The Danger of Manipulative Love-Bombing in a Relationship", love bombing is the intense pattern of adoration, flattery, and desire for closeness. Love bombers rely on this phase to build connection and maintain a sense of trust and intimacy. The author also went into extensive detail on the three phases of love bombing which succinctly outlined my experience in totality: Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard.

We were given perks usually after working extensive hours on high-level projects with aloof clients. I can recall working 20 hours straight for an event and completely breaking down in the hotel room from the sheer mental anguish I endured once it was over. Despite that experience, I was still so enamored by the initial idealization phase, that I decided to sweep that experience under the rug. For context, most creative teams usually have busy seasons that requires them to work longer hours than normal, so this fact made it easy for me to rationalize my experience.

At the end of my tenure, I revisited the company’s Glassdoor page and looked deeper into the reviews left by their former employees. I started to see a pattern within the not-so-glowing reviews. Those reviews not only mirrored my own experience, but also confirmed the inclinations that ate away at my subconscious during my final weeks there. The toxic team and boss were not the bugs within that organization's system, they were the feature.

The gifts were provided to keep one's attention away from the subtle exploitation that is unfurling around them, and any indication of this fact would be quickly dismissed by those who currently thrive in said system. When I told HR about my experience with that toxic team, the response was “I am sorry you feel that way.” Shifting the reality of one's experience as a feeling is a textbook example of gaslighting, and is also a key feature in love bombing.

While the roaring wave of the great resignation has quieted down some, I know many creatives and non-creatives are still in search for that perfect role. I hope that my experience can be used as a cautionary tale in many ways as they continue their search. While I am still unpacking the trauma I endured from this experience, I have to acknowledge the internal growth that stemmed from it all as well. My personal relationships have strengthened as well as my resolve. I leaned in on the importance of self-compassion, and gained a keen understanding of human nature. While I honestly don't know where to go from here, I do know that I would rather work with people that actually strive to do good versus simply appearing that way.

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