Three Lessons for Taking Back Your Neighborhood

On Sunday of this week, my 17-year-old daughter and I decided to go for a walk around our neighborhood. We've done this many times before, but this time proved to be an experience we were not expecting.

Around 5:30 p.m., Ellie announced that she was going for a walk and asked the family if anyone wanted to go with her. It was a bit chilly outside, being the last official day of winter, but I was happy to get some quality time with my oldest kid.

I let my wife, Kathryn, and my other daughter, Aubrey, know that we would be back in a little bit, then Ellie and I headed out the front door. We joked about how we always seem to go for walks on windy days; then we quickly shifted to trying out some different accents. She conversed in a Scottish brogue, while I did my best imitation of Australian English. "G'day mate!" Before long we had walked about a half-mile from our house, cracking jokes as we traversed the sidewalk in front of some middle-class homes.

A red, crew cab truck approached us from behind. As it drew alongside of us, it slowed down almost as if it was about to stop. I looked into the windows of the vehicle and saw three young men who appeared to be in their early twenties. They seemed to be joking with each other, but none of them really looked our way. At first I thought they might be a bit embarrassed to stop and ask for directions, hence their hesitation and disposition. I paused for a moment, but then the driver suddenly accelerated and the truck disappeared down the road ahead of us.

The situation made me feel a bit uneasy, but since the vehicle drove on, I shrugged it off as one of those unexplained moments in life. Ellie noticed the truck as well and commented, "that was weird."

Unfortunately, it wasn't long before the red truck appeared once again, this time in front of us approaching at a fairly high rate of speed. In the span of only a few seconds it was nearly upon us, switching into the lane closest to our sidewalk. As it got closer, it began to deaccelerate, and one of the men in the back of the truck leaned out his window and yelled something at us. His comments weren't fully decipherable. However, his curse laden remarks clearly included the word "bitch!" Then all of a sudden the truck accelerated away once again.

I was immediately both angry and afraid. I was enraged that someone would mistreat my daughter, while at the same time worried that the situation might escalate and become even more dangerous.

Given the circumstances, Ellie remained remarkably calm. She was obviously concerned, as anyone would be in that situation, but she didn't run or become frantic. She simply asked me what we should do. I looked down the street and saw the truck beginning to slow down and veer to the left as if the driver were in the process of swinging back around. The situation seemed to be deteriorating quickly.

I told Ellie we needed to get away from the street and directed her to come with me as I strode briskly to the front door of the nearest house. I explained that in such situations, when we feel outnumbered and threatened by bad actors, the best thing to do is to reach out for help from anyone around us. We should call up reinforcements when besieged by powerful enemies. The vast majority of adults will come to your aid when you ask for help in such situations. As I approached the door of the house to ring the doorbell and inform the residents that we were being harassed, the driver of the truck saw this and immediately sped away.

Since the men drove off, I decided to wait a moment to see if I actually needed to ring the doorbell. I concluded that my response was already successful and I didn't need to disturb the homeowners. The perpetrators probably assumed that we had asked for help and that the police were on the way. In response to my actions, they quickly left the area.

Ellie and I waited a little longer and then headed home at a moderate though intentional pace. I praised her for remaining calm in that distressing situation. I also grumbled that it's unfortunate there are people in the world who enjoy harassing others; but then caught myself and noted that we don't have to let others control our outlook on life. As a criminologist who had spent a good deal of my academic career studying crime, I am very much aware that bad things often happen to innocent people. And as a chaplain, I've come to realize that while it's a terrible thing to be sick in a hospital bed, it's even worse to be sick in a hospital bed with a miserable attitude.

Once we got home, Ellie shared our story with Kathryn and Aubrey. Aubrey was outraged and Kathryn was curious to better understand what transpired. Ellie and I talked it through a bit. We described what happened and how we had responded. We acknowledged that what had happened to us was both frightening and hurtful. It not only scared us, it totally shattered the leisurely walk we had been enjoying together.

Talking through the event was helpful, but I knew it didn't relieve all of the tension we were feeling. Later that night, I assumed that Ellie was still processing the incident. Heck, I was still processing the incident myself. As I played out the scene in my mind, I kept asking myself if I could have responded more quickly or in a better way, and I wondered how much danger we were really in. Given my training, it wasn't that difficult for me to imagine how badly things could have gone.

Yet I also was aware that traumatic incidents can distort and damage our perspectives on life. (Indeed, I recently wrote an article about this very issue.) Human beings often suffer long term injury from traumatic experiences, but they also possess the ability to determine how they will respond to negative events. As Tony Dungy expressed in his book, Quiet Strength: The Principles, Practices & Priorities of a Winning Life:

“You can't always control circumstances. However, you can always control your attitude, approach, and response." -- Tony Dungy

I wanted my daughter to respond to this incident in a healthy way. I didn't want Ellie to bury her feelings or pretend that the harassment she experienced was inconsequential. However, on the other hand, I didn't want her to be gripped by fear, making her unable to go for a walk again or worried that she was destined to be a target of crime for the rest of her life.

As she prepared for bed, I checked in on Ellie once again. I asked her how she was feeling now. We prayed and chatted a bit. I inquired if she felt like it would be helpful for our dog Tucker to sleep in her room that night. She indicated that she would be alright.

I then spoke with Kathryn privately about the situation. I explained that it was important for Ellie to be encouraged to go out for another walk sometime soon. I told Kathryn that I didn't want to be pushy, but once I got home from work the next day I would ask Ellie if she wanted to go for another walk with me. To keep it simple and less stressful, I would suggest that we only go for a short walk in our immediate neighborhood, a different area from where the incident occurred. Kathryn liked the plan, and I told her not to tell Ellie about my idea since I didn't want her to feel anxious during her school day. I said I would bring it up gently before dinner and see what Ellie felt like doing. I wasn't sure what she would say, but I was willing to be patient.

My job the next day was a busy one, but I was able to finish up my responsibilities at the hospital in a timely manner, and then headed home as planned. When I arrived home I went to Ellie's room to see if she was up for a walk, but she wasn't there. When I asked Kathryn where Ellie was, Kathryn indicated she was in the basement watching a show with Aubrey. As I started to go downstairs, Kathryn stopped me and said, "Oh, you don't have to worry about that. As soon as Ellie got home from school, she switched into some running clothes and went for a run in the neighborhood." I was amazed.

I had been worried that Ellie might be afraid to go for a short walk with her dad, but she had been much more courageous than I gave her credit for. She had decided to go out by herself in the same area where she had been accosted the day before. I was such a proud dad in that moment.

Later on I asked Ellie what had made her decide to go out into the neighborhood. She told me that she had thought it through and she didn't want to stay afraid. To overcome her fears she had decided to "take back the neighborhood." And that's exactly what she did, literally one step at a time.

It often takes time to recover from a hurtful or scary event, and it's wise to give yourself a little grace. Sometimes we can even be harder on ourselves than we are on the actual perpetrators of the crime against us. If that's where you are, try not to blame yourself, instead consider the propositions below. I've placed these postulates into three basic categories in order to make them easier to remember.

Respond to Bad Actors by Seeking Help from Nearby Others

Propositions-

1. There are bad people in the world who will harm others around them.
2. Sooner or later you will be the target of one or more of these bad actors.
3. The majority of humans are law-abiding and support civil behavior.
4. When a bad person targets you, request help from any nearby adult.
5. Bad people generally retreat when good people join forces.

Fight Fear by Re-engaging in the Space or Activity that Was Disrupted by the Bad Actor

Propositions-

1. A traumatic experience will often make you hesitant to return to the area of the incident or continue the behavior that you were engaged in when the event occurred.
2. Recognize that feelings of anger and fear resulting from distressing events are normal and valid.
3. Reflect on how you might be able to take back the impacted space or return to the activity that was disrupted.
4. Carry out your plan. Enlist a friend or family member to join you. At the very least, share with them your plan.
5. Re-engaging not only reduces fear, it strengthens one's character and resilience.

Reframe Difficult Events as Opportunities for Personal Growth

Propositions-

1. Living life in a healthy way means we will regularly experience difficult situations and sometimes even receive abuse from other people.
2. We have the ability to reshape life's difficulties into the stonework we build on to make ourselves stronger, more stable individuals.
3. Smaller trials can help us prepare for larger, more problematic traumas.
4. A hero can only emerge out of a crisis, hence every time a crisis occurs it gives us an opportunity to be a hero.
5. Being a victim not only provides us greater empathy for others who are victimized, it also prepares us to be ready to aid others in times of trouble.

The situation that Ellie and I experienced on Sunday can really knock a person off balance. If you have experienced a distressing situation like this, and fear has grabbed a hold of you, ask a loved one to talk it through with you. Then consider steps you can make in order to "take back your neighborhood." Are there any other lessons or propositions you would add to the list above?

(As a side note, I asked Ellie if she would be okay with me sharing this story. She indicated that she would be happy to do so as it might be an encouragement to others. I'm a very fortunate man to have a superhero wife and two amazing daughters.)

(Credits:?Top-down photo of houses photo by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash; Red truck photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash; Neighborhood street screen-capture taken from Google Maps; Hands together photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash; walking up steps photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash; colorful frames hoto by Jessica Ruscello on Unsplash)