Three Impacts of Bullying

The impacts of bullying manifest in many areas of life, including the decisions we make, how we form relationships and trust one another, the goals and visions we set ourselves and even the way in which we mentor our children.?

We commonly see three impacts of bullying. Understanding these better will not only help you to recognise when bullying is happening, but also give you direction on how to help your child build skills to deal with it. To remember these three common impacts, we use the acronym RISC.

R = Resilience

As parents, we want our child to grow up to be resilient and self-reliant. But bullying can have the opposite effect, of making your child dependent. There can’t be progress without challenges. This is important for both you and your child, because if you consistently do things that your child can do for themselves, they will end up dependent on you, or others.?

We also see children becoming too reliant on sports/hobbies or drugs, alcohol or pornography. Our role as parents is to become obsolete. This might not feel nice, but you want your child to be able to stand on their own feet.?

To progress, your child must learn how to tackle and overcome the challenges that come their way, including bullying. What we notice with some adults who have been bullied as children is that they have huge drive and ambition, but this is accompanied by perfectionism.?

They think they have to do something in a certain way, or they will not be ‘good enough’. We also see it going the other way, where adults avoid challenges altogether. Both are trying to play it safe, and in each case, it limits what they are capable of.?

More importantly, it prevents them from feeling fully alive in the here and now. They have ‘destination addiction’ – a preoccupation with the idea that happiness and self-worth are to be achieved in some other place or time. They are reliant on a certain result, either the result of their work or the result of staying safe without progress, which makes them progressively less resilient.

I = Image

We are referring here to both the image your child has of themselves and the image others have of them. As we have seen, bullying can have a damaging effect on self-image. From the bully’s point of view, harming your child’s self-image makes them an easier target.?

From your child’s point of view, a damaged self-image can put them into a self-imposed prison, from

which they believe there is no escape. This can happen if they prioritize others’ opinions over their own. It’s important to understand that there is only one source of self-confidence, and that is how we talk about and treat ourselves.?

We want our children to have a positive image of themselves and to do things that can reinforce this. We don’t want them to get a false sense of confidence, without the skills and knowledge to back it up, but a genuine sense of self-worth.

SC = Self-control

As we have seen, when a child is being bullied, they often have a hard time controlling their emotions. This may result in them avoiding situations in which they cannot control themselves, or in losing control in what should be manageable situations. This means that we, as mentors, have two responsibilities: to build our child’s skill at recognising situations where they won’t be able to control themselves, and to develop their ability to control their emotions if they do find themselves in such a situation.

All these three impacts – on resilience, self-control and self-image – can lead to children not living fully or even, sadly, to wanting to stop living altogether. They can also turn your child into a bully, of themselves or others, which will continue the cycle of bullying.

We want to get to a place where our child is reliant on themselves to face challenges so that they keep

progressing; has a positive, but not delusional, image of themselves and the world; and knows how to read situations and exercise self-control.