The Three H's of Listening: a small but critical upgrade to your listening skills!

By Jonathan Schauder

3H Awareness: Upgrading the Art of Listening

Have you ever been accused of not listening well? Maybe you’ve even had that sinking feeling mid-conversation, realizing you’ve completely missed the point - what do they want from me here?

A senior manager in a people services group recently reminded me of an incredibly simple yet powerful framework that helped me to kick off my own advanced approach listening as psychologist.

It’s called The 3H Theory, and if you can become aware of it, you’ll never be at a loss for the “right” listening response again. And of course, this little but critical approach plays into the basic, advanced and expert level listening skills.

The Big 3H Idea?

When someone speaks to you, they are almost always looking for one of three things:

To be Heard, to be Helped or to be Hugged...

1. HEARD

Most often, people just want to be acknowledged. They don’t need solutions or advice—just a sign that they’ve been understood and taken seriously. Think of the parent who says, “I don’t need my teenager to agree with me or even do anything, I just need them to genuinely acknowledge that I have said something important! But all I get is a blank stare or back chat!”

Many spouses can relate to this too—sometimes, a simple “I acknowledge that you are saying something really important... ” is what's needed.

2. HELP

This one’s obvious: sometimes, people genuinely need guidance or assistance or input. But—and this is key—they don’t need a lecture, a debate, or a long-winded explanation. Just help.

A simple “How can I help?” can make all the difference in a conversation, whether in the workplace or at home. If it seems that you're not helping... then likelihood it you're not. Stop to become aware of your impact.

3. HUG

Not necessarily a literal hug (though sometimes that’s exactly what’s needed), but rather emotional validation. When people share their joy, pain, pride, or shame, they just want to know they’re valid. If a friend shares a tough experience, a well-timed “That's a nightmare. I’m here for you” can be worth more than a thousand problem-solving suggestions.

The Genius of the 3 H’s

Here’s the magic: there’s no fourth category.

When you respond in a way that falls outside these three, you’re likely missing the mark—offering unsolicited advice, dismissing emotions, telling your own story, or steering the conversation in a direction it was never meant to go. You'll get your chance to speak. Don't worry. But get the listening done first!

So next time someone is speaking to you, pause and ask yourself:

• Do they need to be heard?
• Do they need to be helped?
• Do they need to be hugged (physical or metaphorical)?

If you choose correctly, you’ll not only become a better listener—you’ll become the person people want to talk to.