Three approaches to Managing our Expectations

“Our expectations, more than anything else in life, determine our reality. They can change our life, emotionally and literally, hence we need to be extra careful about our expectations.”

Travis Bradbury / Forbes 

The constant refrain of the world we live in is, for us to want more, expect more and be more so that we will be happy ever after. But happiness doesn’t really work that way. Our route to happiness through the pursuit of high expectations is a dead end. That’s a wrong map that we have been handed. In fact happiness and high expectations have an inverse relationship. As the graph below indicates, while we pursue our high expectations our happiness decreases over time. 

The reality is that high expectations do not lead to greater happiness.   

However our environment with its constant sales and marketing messages tell us otherwise. We are continuously being told which cream we need to use, what car to buy or which exotic locale we need to visit to reach our ultimate happiness. It is no wonder we fall for the expectations trap.

And then we apply the same logic to our careers and jobs. We want to earn more and do it fast, grow faster, get promoted faster and retire with a 7 figure income faster.

But life happens and plans go awry.

Our great expectations which were meant to be the route to happiness now take us down hill. Our mind tells us that we aren’t where we are supposed to be, are not having what we are expected to have, and are not who we expected to be. Desperation and Dejection looms.

How do we protect ourselves from getting sucked into this downward slide.

There is a way. Not an easy way but a way nevertheless. These disappointments can be managed by taking either of these three approaches:  

1.      Philosophical approach

2.      The Faith based approach

3.      The Scientific approach

The Philosophical Approach

Caroline James in her blog post at Tiny Buddha suggests a method : it is to work toward our goals but never expect for them to become a reality. She calls it a paradox - the duality of existence.

This concept is not new. The Bhagwat Geeta mentions the same -

Karam karo phal ki math socho.

Do your duty and do not think about the reward. 

Simply put do your work and don’t have any expectations of the reward. There is a caveat. In an environment filled with messages that force expectations on us this is going to be a tough ask. 

The Faith-Based Approach

This approach involves placing the achievement of our dreams and desires to a higher being. Linda Rainier shares this approach in her youtube video:

a)     The first involves renaming the expectation as an intention. Instead of having expectations and allowing yourself to get bogged down – you have an intention to have an happy and meaningful career.

b)     You write down your intention in a piece of paper and put it away. She puts it away in a box and also writes it down in a journal. In a way she is letting her faith in the universe or a higher being help realize her intentions.

The Scientific Approach

This involves approaching the disappointment arising out of unmet expectations as an objective problem to be solved not something to get emotional about. Thomas Oppong in his article shares the dynamics of managing high expectations and avoiding the trap.

Firstly it means having a flexible mindset and accepting that all expectations have an in built possibility of not being met. Un-met expectations are an opportunity for learning and course corrections. When we face disappointment and setbacks we have an opportunity to understand if we could have approached the things differently , what other resources need to come into play for us to realise those expectations , or if we aimed a little too high and too quickly. A modified objective will provide us with a realistic target to work towards. And, once we hit that mark we can then raise the bar higher the next time around. 

All the above approaches ensure that we are able to distance ourselves from our expectations and do not get our identity and self worth get mixed up with the realisation of these expectations thus freeing ourselves to focus on the task at hand.   

Expectations are inevitable. Let us not become slaves to them and ruin our lives. By managing them, keeping them realistic and modifying them based on the realtime feedback that we receive we can safeguard ourselves against falling into the expectations trap.

Prakash Francis is a Talent Acquisition expert with over two decades in the field. He is also a host of a podcast about work, life and careers called the Slogcity Podcast. You can consult him for careers or resume related queries by booking a time slot here.