Thoughts of a writer who stopped writing

Well.

Here we are. Julia, actually writing something in long-form. The content manager who is finally bothering to put some words down on a page.

And no, it’s not feedback, suggestions on a Google doc, a quick social update, a PR brief or an email about an upcoming webinar.

This is Julia aside the marketing. Honestly, I’m a bit ashamed I didn’t write this earlier. But to be honest, I haven’t wanted to. I’m not going to lie, when you put an extraverted-creative-bar-hopping type in a little room at the back of her house for 50 days, what do you expect? Fuck you, COVID-19.

What follows next will be a word explosion of my experience in lockdown and some words I hope will help others. 

Ready? Let’s go. 

Back to the start

For the first three weeks of isolation I was really hard on myself. Here are examples of some of the thoughts that plagued my inner monologue:

“This isn’t hard, why can’t you just do it?”

“If your team is on the ball, why can’t you keep up?”

“Just do better”

“Stop eating and drinking to fill the void”

“Everyone is in the same boat, stop complaining”

“You’re so lucky, how dare you feel like this”

Oh, and I cried when a sesame street puppet said, “I know a lot of us are having some big feelings right now, I know I am!” during the One World concert live stream. 

Yes, Abby Cadabby, I AM having some big feelings right now. ??????

I often ended my day with more wine than is socially acceptable and scrolling through social media obsessively tracking the latest in COVID-19 updates. Some mornings I would cry before starting work. Not because I didn’t want to log on but because I didn’t have the energy to bring myself to do another day stuck by myself in the same room as the last 20 days prior, thinking about all the people who were sick and dying. 

When did I turn a corner? I’m not sure.

I pushed through this low period by reminding myself that showing up was more important than feeling okay. My team wasn’t expecting me to be at the top of my game. My partner didn’t need me to be happy, my friends and family didn’t require me to support them. I slowly realised all anyone wanted was just for me to show up and do my best, whatever that looked like. This took a massive weight off my shoulders. 

In addition to this realisation I introduced two small goals in my personal life. The first was to run 5km in 30 mins by the end of April. The second was to learn a little bit of Italian every night before bed. I’m happy to report that I can now run 5km in 34 minutes (look, 4 mins off isn’t the worst) and I have reached 22 consecutive days of Italian practice. I think these two small things did me the world of good and I strongly urge you to add daily hobbies into your routine.

Credit: Carlotta Notaro

At some point, it dawned on me that what I was experiencing, (like most of us) was grief. 

If you’re new to the wonderful world of grief, welcome and I’m sorry. I have no magic words to tell you, or anything that will fix all the things you’ve lost because of COVID-19. What I can tell you is that every time you show up, do the things you know are good for you but you hate, you’re slowly working towards a day where you won’t feel so numb, sad and/or angry. 

There are five commonly known stages of grief. They are the following:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I disagree with this list. I think there’s a step between 4 and 5 which I would refer to as the fight. As we move from depression to acceptance there is a struggle at play. An internal battle for our future. 

Depression holds us in a velvety embrace, it tells us, ‘no stay here where it’s easy, where we are safe and can hide from the world.” I always pictured depression as the Cheshire cat curling itself around me. But, eventually something happens, we begin to wake up from the fog and yearn for something more. This is the fight. A small fire begins to burn, lighting you up from the inside. The minute you feel it - stoke the flames; this looks like using your willpower to take care of yourself, let that guide you and say no to the Cheshire cat.

Credit: Disney, Truly horrifying

Gradually you will feel a sense of peace. This is acceptance, an understanding that what was, will never be again. As we settle into new routines - and in time - a new way of life, I believe we will achieve this peace and hopefully learn some things from the whole COVID-19 ordeal. 

Finally, I want to share some things that have helped me, in case they might help you too.

Do something every day which gives you a sense of accomplishment outside of work. 

This could be as simple as 5 minutes of yoga in the morning or as complex as learning a new language or artform. This will provide your brain with very much needed bursts of dopamine. I acknowledge this in itself shows my privilege, there are many who aren’t afforded the luxury of time or energy to achieve this. *If you’re struggling to get out of bed, brush your teeth or speak to others, you are not alone. I have been there. I will tell you this, please reach out to someone you trust; alternatively contact a support service. You do not have to suffer through this. 

Get outside and go for a walk.

If you’re feeling particularly restless and can’t focus then I highly recommend taking a walk. No one at work is going to mind if you take 15 minutes to go outside for some fresh air and a decent coffee. The walk will help you reset and you’ll most likely come back to whatever you were trying to do before with a clearer head. 

Side note: if they react negatively to you taking some time for yourself, I’m sorry, that’s shit and you deserve better. 

Go easy on yourself. 

If you’re like me, you hold yourself to a high standard. Something that my manager has been good at reminding the team and I is that we’re not just working from home, we’re working from home in the midst of a global pandemic. It’s okay to have off days, it’s okay to feel a bit rubbish, it’s okay to feel exhausted when we haven’t even left the house. If you don’t have time to learn a new skill or do anything beyond the bare minimum, that’s fine too! This is a struggle for everyone. We are still worthy of love and we still matter. 

Community is key.

Make sure you put aside face to face time to have fun with friends and family. If you’re living with other people, turn off your devices and play an old school board game or get your hands dirty with some arts and crafts. Host online games or quiz nights with friends facilitated by Zoom. Beyond your immediate household, friends and family, try and shop local where you can. You could buy coffee beans from a local coffee shop, try a small fruit and veg grocer, get your sourdough bread from a bakery. Seeking out ways to support your local community whilst also achieving small moments of human connection is key.

Find joy in the small things.

I have two very sassy, very silly cats. They bring me a lot of joy. I also enjoy craft beer and baking, two things I’ve perhaps indulged a bit too much in recently but which bring me happiness. Allow yourself these small joys, whether it’s catching up on a Netflix show you never had time for, finally finishing that video game or baking a new sweet treat every weekend. Above all else, practice gratitude, what are you thankful for, what brings you joy in your life?

Focus on the future.

Remember, this too shall pass. I know it’s easy to get caught up in the now but try imagining your future post COVID-19, have your life goals and priorities shifted? What do you want your future to look like? I’ve reflected on my finances and my long term aspirations and now have a clearer idea of what matters most in my life. 

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As I finish writing this, it’s now looking like life in Australia is starting back up again. Last night I even had two friends over. I made lasagna and we drank wine. 

Here’s to a future where that feels normal again. 

Cheers,

Julia