Thoughts on how to move conversation forward amidst a swirl of hate

I originally wrote this article in 2016 and published it on Medium. I have added some additional thoughts for this moment. - June 2024.

“Your freedom ends where the other person’s discomfort begins.” It was not something I had planned to say. Running up the stairs, I blurted it out to make my son and daughter stop fighting. They were hitting one another; it was escalating.

Magically, those words worked — “Your freedom ends where the other person’s discomfort begins.” They became our family’s mantra for what you could say to or about another person, a guide for how we talk to one another, when it was ok to touch someone else and when it was not — any situation where there were different points of view, different emotions, different stories. The other person’s “no” was to be respected at all times; their discomfort inviolable, whatever its root cause.

[In late 2016 I wrote … ] I’m reminded of those words again this week. It seems the rules of public discourse have shifted, hate speech and hate crimes unleashed. Since the election the Southern Poverty Law Center has received more than 200 reports of racist and anti-semitic violence. How can we open up vital new conversations, in an environment filled with hate speech, racialized and sexualized violence??

Since 2016, and especially since the attack on the Capitol and attempt to overthrow our government on January 6, 2021. And, again, since October 7, 2024, when Hamas broke through the security wall Israel had built around Gaza, killing over 1000 Israelis and taking 251 hostages, and Israel retaliated, killing nearly 40,000 Palestinians, and injuring and starving many more, the waves of hate have gotten stronger and stronger.??

Surely we should not talk to one another the way [then] president-elect [Trump] rages against his opponents. Surely we should not encourage others to attack those who disagree with us, as the president-elect has repeatedly done. Surely, if we wish to live as a community, we cannot take the president-elect as our model of discourse.

I am not challenging the constitutionally protected right to free speech. But hate speech is not free. It is expensive and damaging. And it is not constitutionally protected. And yet our Electoral College is poised to elect a president, chosen by less than 25% of our people, who uses hate speech as his battle cry. So we must look for leadership somewhere else. We must find the courage to listen to and protect one another when there is a swirl of hate storming to break down our understanding of what is acceptable and what is not.

If you mean to hurt others with your words, I am not talking to you. If you mean to silence people who disagree with you, I’m not talking to you. And if you mean to shut down complicated conversation, I’m not talking to you either.

If, on the other hand, you wish to expand the space where other people can share stories from their lived experience — especially when those stories are different from our own — and explore how we move on from here, I’m listening. Each person’s story is sacrosanct; it is whole and complete. In moments such as this, when fear is escalating, and so many people feel threatened, we need boundaries that help us feel safe enough to share our real stories honestly with one another.

I think our family rule may help: Your freedom ends where the other person’s discomfort begins.

If we accept that mantra — my freedom ends where your discomfort begins; your freedom ends where my discomfort begins — I am hoping it is not too late to listen, not too late to lean in, trust one another and help one another to heal.

The alternative, we must remind our logical, communal self, again and again, the alternative is not a place we want to go.

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