Thoughts...

Ugh People! – she said as she hanged up the phone. She found herself at many stages of life either loving humanity or struggling with the frustration to having to deal with people on everyday situations. “Why can’t people be more compassionate? Why can’t people realize that everything we do affects someone else? – she protested to herself before trying to bring her mind back to the fact that she too, was one of them, with all her challenges and most definitely, not at all the only “non hypocrite” on this planet.

She judged herself harshly, as anybody who knows themselves too well would. Being self-aware makes it impossible for you to hide from your own stupidity. You can of course choose to analyse things in a way that is favourable to you but you cannot scape that nagging feeling at the back of your head that says: “Yeah, you know you are being an idiot, stop making up excuses for it.”

It has been almost 40 years since she had to live in her own skin. Much of that time she wished she was different, she wished she didn’t have that much skin to begin with, she wished for a different country, a different language, a different song, she wished for skills that would make her stand out and make a mark in the world, she wished for health, but above all, she wished for fortune and love.

When you are getting older and you see your life in front of you as if you were a third person, a bird if you will, flying from roof to roof observing everything without ever getting involved you get a fake sense of not being responsible for your situation. As soon as you see that is in fact not the case, you crash to the ground and start wining about the fact that you made so many wrong choices, then you say: “well, is easy to say that now because I know the outcome” and you console yourself that way in order to come to terms with your mistakes and you call it experience instead. You pat yourself in the back and think: “I did ok with what I had at that time”. The truth is, we all mess up at one point or another.

Sometimes is easier to read a book. Is easier to read someone else’s story. To be amazed by what other people achieved, to think that if you only chose a different path this could be you, a better job, better savings account, better health. I am beginning to be disgusted by the fact that this is such a circular thinking. Back and back again to the same points. Like some sort of eternal procrastination ring.

Yesterday I watched a video, some lady was giving a talk about procrastination. She said that procrastination is a habit and is something you do as a response to stress. She said that 82% of people would be able to brake off the habit to respond to stress with avoidance and procrastination if only they kept working. Doing anything at all, keep moving.

I can see examples of that behaviour in my own life. I feel stressed, I feel fear, I avoid it, I stay in bed miserable, trying to understand how it is that “normal” people can keep jobs for 45 years, going every day, every week. How is it that “normal” people can compete certain tasks so seamlessly and then it hits me: mediocrity. I’ve seen people do things the half ass way. Why can’t I do things like that? Why do I have to be such a stuck-up person and do everything by the book, the right way, which means everything takes me longer to complete and I end up feeling totally underqualified to do a job that took me years to learn to do right.

Since I remember I have criticized this on others, not doing things the “right way”. Why is it that I am so strict with that on myself and others? I can’t help but wonder what my life would have been like if this wasn’t a trade of mine. Would I have had friends? Would I have fitted in groups? Would I have had a better life? Better relationships? But this trail of thought can only depress me as I am basically asking would I have been happier not being myself?

I guess I can get now why most people choose not to be honest, or straight forward. Perhaps this is how they do it, they lie to fit in, they lie to appear busier, happier, fulfilled. In all honesty I feel at peace. There are some moments of happiness and some not so great, but I haven’t felt hate, or negative emotions that were so strong that it affected me gravely. I am positive and smile a lot, or is this just me rationalizing again?

In school I could never find my place. Not in primary, nor in secondary. University wasn’t that much different. I am a loner. I sit alone, eat alone, and there is always a person, 1 person that decides I’ll be their friend. I always wondered why, is it because I am the only other option? Do they actually ever like me or was I just the last resort because of their shyness or feelings of inadequacy? I know, I know, is harsh, but this is it, this is living in my head. This is what I sound like to myself.

Music is a great way of levelling me up. Jazz totally relaxes me. There is so much power in it that leaves me floating on air. Classical music too, and for those times I feel I need to let go, I go for romantic music or irreverent music to feel like I am “fighting the man”.

At times I had a very strong positive impact on other people. I am pretty sure all my ex-boyfriends have a better life now thanks to what they have learned while in a relationship with me. Is not me saying it, they always say it. I am proud of those moments people felt that talking to me felt like a religious awakening regarding a few things. I love looking at their lives now. I don’t take credit for that but is nice to think that I made them think and gave them the space or encourage their bravery to make decisions.

The world is full of uncertainty and some day I too will expire. I often wonder how, or when, if is going to be a dramatic happening, if I will have a love one by my side or if all the relationships I have at this point are just fleeting.

I strive for permanency. I want to make a change, I want to affect healthcare in a positive way and provide something that is missing: pride in service of others, quality of care.

Sometimes I think I would be of more service in chaplaincy than as a nurse. Seems that whenever people find themselves in a personal crisis is me who they call. I’ve seen many people die. I’ve seen many people afraid to live. I know enough to know what I don’t want and that puts me ahead of the line sometimes.

But I am nothing special. I am sure in all the world millions feel this way, millions can express it in a more candid and eloquent way, millions will feel this way long after I am gone, and my dust feeds the grass growing above me.

I wonder sometimes if we ever have an original thought. “No matter how you feel or what you say someone before you have thought and felt the same way”. Is that true? And if so, how is that possible? Do I think that another has loved with the same intensity, has been hurt with the same intensity, surely all our conditions and situations are quite unique and leads us to point of uniqueness in our feelings or perhaps is just another way for our brains to trick us into feeling special? There are certainly times in my life when I experienced complete and utter despair and I hope nobody has experienced that, yet I know the way people choose to leave, perhaps there is a step further I haven’t experienced.

My 40’s are quickly approaching. I have noticed that with every year my hopes for acceptance lowered dramatically. I am at peace with who I am minus some minor detail. I am still not at all confident about the way I look, I still want to reach a higher level in my career or even start the damn thing with some stability. I still want to find that heart that won’t quit. I am still very vulnerable, but I am learning slowly to “cope with myself” if that makes any sense.

Being patient with yourself, and compassionate and caring is not easy for some people. Speaking from personal experience, it is taking me a very long time to learn this. By no means I have achieved it, but I feel I have grown. I do apply this in small bits, on different aspects of my life, like a tiger balm for my soul. I am letting people in to see my vulnerability; I am saying I love you knowing well that it can one day not be returned. I still wonder if that is enough.

Who is to say that I am where I need to be and that I have achieved as much as I should have or needed to but myself?

In the grand scheme of things, I am only 1 person in a planet of millions, travelling at stupid speeds across this vast universe. My problems are small, my life is irrelevant yet a miracle. Sometimes I struggle with this thought and cry a lot, sometimes I am in awe of the opportunity, and it fills me with gratitude.

Someone told me once: “You should write about this, write about your feelings, you know, it may help someone.” Well, I am not sure who this may help, or if it will confuse the hell out of people instead. Introspection is something that comes naturally to me and is always there unless I am looking at a stary night sky or at the waves of the ocean when my head is clear of any thoughts. I call it “the empty box”.

The empty box is that moment you are you, but you forget that you are. You become nothing but a witness of everything. I believe is what some Carthusian monks call “contemplation” (or were the desert fathers?). I think that is what they refer to when they say, “forget everything you know”, I think it includes forgetting everything you think you know about yourself and just look at what you have there, in front of you without object or agenda. Is only on those moments I felt total peace and utter contentment with the world.

I am not a religious person, but I love reading and taking what serves me in life and using it to improve. One thing that always bothered me is that people believe you need to sympathise with a philosophy or belief in order to understand it. That’s not the case. This is how you can understand why a person ended up murdering 200 people and still very much disagree and condemn the violence and mourn the loss of life. Understanding doesn’t make you a monster, understanding is the only way of preventing the perpetuation of these types of behaviours.

And on that note, context is everything. Nothing ever happens in isolation. Context is what gives meaning to our experiences. I wonder why people never want to look at context. I believe is why communication is so difficult, I digress…

Well, I think I need a cup of coffee and to cook some lunch. This was fun. Talk to you later. Hugs :3