Those who become close to your heart

First and foremost, check if there's really nothing you can do. I mean, in most cases, people who're suffering just need to know that they've got somebody who cares about them, whom they can trust. Give them the love they need and they'll be much much better even if they're going through same kind of pain. As for trying to share the pain, I know that it doesn't help because it doesn't ease the pain and if anything, it only gets worse because the person will start thinking he's hurting his loved ones which is even worse. So, just be there for that person and look after them. That's all you can do.

Once a connection is established through empathy, the loved may still suffer but the pain is shared. Loved one will know that you are there and it feels good. I learned to appreciate how healing empathy is, for both parties. Combine empathy with compassion and loving-kindness, the love you feel for your toddler she hurts herself and when you want to wrap her in your arms and warmth of your love. With empathy, compassion and loving-kindness, the loved one may feel invited to empty the tears filling her heart. I think that it is the best you can do and it is not doing nothing.

Not often can you not do anything unless you are completely isolated from the loved one. I used to think that I could solve all problems, my problems, other people’s problems and a loved one’s problems. I grew up, grew older and hopefully wiser. I am a problem solver by trade and with age, by listening to other, I came to realize that all problem are not to be solved, at least not right away. Suffering belongs to the one who is suffering. My suffering belongs to me while other’s suffering belongs to them. That doesn’t mean that they should be left alone to deal with it, but I needed to realize that I could just not uproot pain from others.

I learned that the best way to deal with other’s pain, be they loved ones or other people, is with empathy, compassion and loving-kindness. Do not confuse empathy for sympathy. With great difficulty, seeing anyone suffer is hard, knowing you cannot ease that pain makes you hurt too. All you can do is whatever you can to ease their suffering without exhausting your own reserves of energy. Just remember you need to remain strong yourself to be capable of helping others.

This is something I've struggled for a long time with. I can tell you how I solved this for myself, maybe it helps you as well. I would be living other people's pain to the point that I could not move. I would always try to solve it, often to heal myself. But sometimes there was nothing I could do. It became a real struggle! Then something happened! One day, I got a phone call from a childhood friend telling me about her mother having cancer. I panicked! This mother - daughter relationship was one of the closest and warmest relationships I've known. I knew there will be suffering.

I knew I could not solve that in any way. I somehow, secretly wished I didn't know about the mother having to die. Then the next second, out of that horrible feeling a thought came into my mind saying that was not my pain!. It belonged to someone else. They had the right to experience that pain and it was not my job to have it! I would listen and be there for my friend, but I could not do much more than that. This thought helped me enormously! I suppose, my mind rebalanced itself after many instances of going entirely off. Somehow it learned itself how to heal.

It's not that I did not feel sad for what was to come, but it was a bearable sadness, detached from that person own reality. Pain is a transforming experience! Everyone has the right to it! I'm not talking about the cases where you can actually do something practical to solve that pain, but I guess your question is not about that either. Help others whom you can. Nature has a strange way of giving it back to you. You can never decode it or understand it. You can only feel it. If I was in that situation, I'd use all my willpower to bury that feeling and focus on what that person needs and wants. No one is perfect and no one can deal with everything. Just do the best you can. Cheers!