Those final moments... - a self-introspection....!

- Article by Naveen James

???????????????? “…beep..beep..beep…..wake up alarm on my mobile went ON on the wee hours of 09th Sep-2021 (Thurs)….it was 3.30 a.m. and I somehow managed to open my eyes in spite of the slight sleeping dose given the previous night …..within moments my MOM walked into my semi private room wherein it was shared by one more patient, she switched on the lights and asked me to untuck myself out of the bed and told me to take bath so that the Nurses shall proceed with their pre-operative procedures and prepare me for the Surgery scheduled at 7 a.m….”

So many things were running onto my mind in that early morning hours, I somehow managed to pull myself out of the bed and got into the washroom to finish off my morning routines. For me it was like “THE DAY..” coz my ailment was diagnosed way back when I was 19 years old during my under graduate programme, it was contemplated so much year on year as to when to undergo the surgery for my Cardiac problem (Bi-cuspid Aortic Valve). After 26 years, it was decided to go ahead with the surgery after my angiogram and all other tests, of course… after my COVID test, luckily it came negative and I was all set for the D-day. The previous day evening the key important relatives and my very close friends have dropped-in and many called to check whether the things are moving ahead as per the plan.

As I stepped in to the wash room a small bottle of chlorhexidine based solution was placed and was advised to apply it on my body to sterilize my skin before the surgery. The previous day evening my body was fully shaved. I remember the barber’s struggle to clean shave my body as it was a thick forest (apart from my already hairless head…lol..) and it took a while for him to complete the task. As I finished taking bath, a new white hospital gown was kept for me to wear and was advised not to apply anything on my body. It was also advised not to drink or eat anything after 11 pm the previous day night and the Nurses were lining up to complete their check list (BP/Body Temperature/Body weight/ ..etc..). They provisioned the IV lines on my wrist and kept it ready. The time was running and it was already 5.30 a.m. in the morning, the Head Nurse and the Night Duty Doctors assembled in my room and helped me to get onto the stretcher, my mom and my two elder sisters were present by my side.

For a moment I felt like as if, I was a death sentenced prisoner and was made to get ready to get hanged in the early morning hours (though not witnessed, …as we used to see in the movies coz the procedures were matching exactly to the prison procedures??).

As it’s a Christian Institution the team gathered around me for a small prayer near the ward lobby area in front of my room and the Head Nurse prayed and there were some instructions been given to me along with some comforting words to be bold enough to undergo the surgery.

By then the ward intercom beeps again from the theatre checking whether the patient is ready to be brought in to the theatre. The ward boy and the ward Sisters started to push the stretcher, the wheels started to roll by to the lift lobby. All were advising me to be bold and all will go fine and there’s nothing to worry.

It was decided by my Cardio Consultant and Cardio Thoracic Consultant to carry out an open heart “BENTALL’s Procedure” as my Aorta was dilated coz of the blood pressure. It required a small grafting on my Aorta and I was told that it would take more than 6 to 7 hours for this major surgery to complete. On the side lines, out of curiosity I have googled and studied thoroughly the entire procedure and even saw some videos about the Bentall’s procedure on YouTube.

As my stretcher with its screeching noise from the wheels ?strolled out to the corridor to get to the lift, I could see that the Sun hasn’t risen yet and I could hear the chirpings of the birds and the Crows cawing in that early morning hours. It was a usual day for others and for me it might be the last day to experience these small little things…, didn’t know what was kept in my kitty and my fingers were crossed. All of a sudden lying on my stretcher, these small little things caught all my attention and I was sulking myself enjoying these noises, wherein on an ordinary day I wouldn’t have given so much importance to these things. Though I was enjoying these little things, on the other side I was getting gripped with fear thinking will I be able to see, hear and witness these things one more time in my life.

I was struggling to stop my mind not to think anything and to keep myself calm. In spite of it, I was able to recollect my life’s key moments from my younger days as a flash video on my mind. I just wanted to recollect those moments for one last time, but on the other hand I had portrayed to my family members who were walking along the stretcher, that am all good and am mentally prepared too, to undergo the surgery. I didn’t want to show my fears and didn’t want to create a scene with my family members before I enter the operation theatre. I had reached to the ground floor from the second floor and I was moved to the Operation theatre’s lobby and I was made to wait on the stretcher for some time. Meanwhile, my Mom and my Sisters wanted to offer a small prayer for one last time before I get rolled into the theatre.

Tears rolled down the corners of my eyes and somehow, I pulled all my strength to bid my final good bye to my family members as my stretcher was pulled inside the theatre. As I entered the theatre, again there was one more waiting lobby, but the lights were so dim and I could see few more patients waiting on their stretchers. I was made to wait for more than 25 minutes before I was moved to the cardio-thoracic theatre. Those 25 minutes I was left alone, again I was struggling to put my mind off, I just conversed to GOD, if it’s your will let it happen and am ready to give up myself on the surgery table or if there’s a plan-B, I said "You know about my heart’s desire, give me that strength to accomplish those things in the remaining period of my life". ?

In those 25 minutes….

…I could sense that all your good deeds and thoughts that you had sown alone is gonna bring you that miracle

…..no money, no status, no properties, high end cars, pride are going to make any sense at that moment, hence one shouldn’t run behind all those and you get to realize that it will all become meaningless

….when the time comes no one is gonna stand by you, it's you alone to stand tall and face the battle with all your might

….it's all the memories you cherish in those final moments, so try to create some memorable ones, coz that’s the only treasure that you are going to carry till the last moment

…do not compare yourself and measure your life with the yard sticks defined by this world, never it’s going to matter in those last moments – don’t unnecessarily stress up yourself for the things which are meaningless

…you never know when our departure gates are going to open; we all are waiting in the lobby with our boarding passes. In the meantime, while you wait in the lobby you have to make time to enjoy and experience the life’s chaotic ways of teaching you the life skills to sail thru’ and sustain

…you can only hug the people you love by picking them from your memories and feel good that you have come across such good souls in your life time

….you will regret for the things that you have not expressed till now….be courageous to express yourself and communicate what you intend to

As I was struggling to shut my mind, a team of three came near me and they said that they are ready to take me to the Cardio Thoracic theatre. Slowly my stretcher was moved into the said theatre and the team was ready, some greeted me and told me to be bold and it’s going to be all well. I was lifted from my stretcher and made to lay down on the surgery table, first time in my life I get to see the surgery table and the focus lights on top focusing on me. The Anaesthetist came near me and checked my IV line on my hand and she told she is going to start the anaesthesia and I will lose my consciousness within minutes… and an injection was administered into the vein and it all went blank within couple of minutes…

I still remember the preparations I have made for the things to transition from my end if any untoward incident occurs. I had documented (WILL) each and every small detail and handed over the charge to the concerned individuals to take it forward. I had some loans which I had taken from my close friends, made all arrangements to settle the same thru’ my mom. The preparations what I made was like I was preparing myself for my final journey and Mom was mocking at me nothing of that sort would ever happen to me. As a Mother, she will be the only person to be so confident for her child to come back safe.

By around 3 a.m. the next day, I was slowly getting my conscious back, was able to hear the noise around me. Barely could I open my eyes, but still I could sense it was dark (though not dark) and was getting some shattered images of people around me. My mouth and my nose were inserted with tubes and the nearby monitoring machines were connected thru’ those tubes making that beep sound. After sometime I could understand that am in the ICU and I have regained my consciousness, couldn’t tolerate that excruciating pain on my chest and I was not able to move a bit. Within minutes of getting my consciousness, I puked and it got spread all over the sheets and the nurses cleaned my body with a warm bed bath. They made me to wear the gown in spite of me being like a wooden log, every small movement gave me so much pain which was intolerable. Then they gave some pain killers and put me to sleep.

It was 5.30 a.m., I could sense that someone was calling my name, when I opened my eyes my second elder sister was next to me, she was asking whether do I have the pain, as my mouth was with tubes, I couldn’t respond much. As such, it was a restricted area; my sister was asked to leave asap to avoid any infections to my body.

After a day, from ICU I was moved to semi-ICU and again from semi-ICU I was moved to the normal ward after a couple of days. I had spent around 12 days all put together and my body was getting back to normal and the surgery wound was getting healed so fast than expected. 10th day the staple pins were removed from my chest and I was able to walk slowly on my own without any supervision. I had struggled to sleep in the night times, as my metal valves clicking noise would be so loud and my entire left chest and my left hand will vibrate for each heartbeat. The medical team gave so much of care and I was able to get discharged without any other complications or infections from the hospital the 12th day. I was out of action for the next three months, complete rest along with some physiotherapy exercises and short distance walking.

This day 09th Sep-2022 is my first birthday in this second part of my life, 12 months passed by, after a brief complete rest for 3 months, I resumed back to my normal routine from Jan-2022 onwards. Initially I had struggled to get accustomed with that metal valves click noise, which will not let me to sleep during night times. But now slowly I got used to and whenever I get to hear, it would recollect all those hospital days and it would remind me that the time is ticking and this is my second life and I do have very little time to accomplish what I intend to do.

And now am on my life long medications taking Warfarin along with BP medication to keep my blood thin, so that the metal valve shall function smoothly.

My survival is coz of many peoples prayers (unknown people too..) and the love and warmth from my family members. Now that am back on my feet, I have started my new life’s journey with new perspectives, I was able to overcome certain obstacles and make some concrete decisions on the things which I was contemplating for so long. This incident made me understand that there are more important things that we need to worry for, rather being selfish and thinking about our own lives, thereby limiting our own thoughts and actions to revolve around our dear ones.

I made a decision that whatever little time is left over, I should give something back to the society and make an indelible mark before I leave this world. My focus has now diverted to my NGO (www.thenestorg.in) which I have seeded playfully year 2018 and am able to make slow progress in achieving the NGO’s objectives. By getting involved into this initiative I have become an Community Social Entrepreneur too…! Each and every moment counts and the time has started to tick 12 months back…..

“There are losses that rearrange the world. Deaths that change the way you see everything, grief that tears everything down. Pain that transports you to an entirely different universe, even while everyone thinks nothing has really changed..” – MEGAN DEVINE?

….the END.