The third one is often the real one ...

I want to share a fascinating idea with you. An idea that once you’ve been exposed to it will enable you to be far more sensitive to the real purpose of many conversations.

Here is the idea – the third one is often the real one.

Now what do I mean by that?

Well – I’ve noticed, over the years by listening actively to what people say – that they often leave their real request or real question – or even real point – until the 3rd section of their communication.

And by being aware of this enables you and I to know what’s important to someone when they communicate with us.

So let’s look how this works, to start with, with questions and – as importantly – some of the reasons that people use this communication device.

The example I often use with the third question being the real question is how kids use it with their parents.

Mom – is it OK if I go down to the park to play? Mom answers ‘Yes of course’

 OK Mom – can I go on my bike? Again Mom answers ‘Yes’

Then the real question: Oh and Mom is it OK if John stays tonight?

A typical example! Let’s look at what’s happening.

The first question is one asked – knowing that the answer is highly likely to be ‘yes’! The second innocuous question is also asked knowing that ‘yes’ is the most likely answer – then comes the real question – carefully phrased.

You’ll have noticed that the third question is prefixed with the ‘Oh and Mom’ – this three-letter phrase has such power. The ‘Oh’ is used – Oh and Mom is it OK if John stays tonight? - probably unknowingly by the child - to diffuse the phrase that follows it. You’ll have certainly heard people use the phrase ‘Oh and by the way …’ this is the same communication device.

The ‘oh and by the way’ is used to indicate that what follows – is either something just thought of – or something so unimportant that it wasn’t mentioned earlier – usually nothing could be further from the truth and real intention of the speaker.

The ‘and’ in the child’s question ‘oh and Mom’ is used to link the previous two questions and their ‘yes’ answers to the question that’s about to be asked. The ‘Mom’ is to personalise the question and continue the rapport.

Just hear how it sounds in a commercial conversation.

This is Bill to his boss Mary:

Hi Mary – did you get that report I emailed to you last night? This first question is a ‘set-up’ Bill knows that it’s highly likely that Mary did receive the report and therefore is virtually guaranteed a ‘first yes’ answer.

Then Bill follows with: And are we still OK for our meeting on Wednesday? Another set-up question – receiving the expected ‘yes’ answer! Then comes the real one: “Oh and by the way Mary – Is it OK for me to take Friday afternoon off – because I need to – and what ever is the reason!

WOW! Who could resist? Two set up questions to get Mary into the ‘Yes Zone’ – and a third question prefixed with the ‘Oh and by the way Mary’ and including that, oh so powerful word ‘because’.

And the strange thing is – is that Bill probably doesn’t even realise at a conscious level what he’s doing – but at a subconscious level he knows it works.

Now this 3rd one important – also works with statements.

When someone wants to make a point – I’ve noticed that it’s often the third point that the important one. There may be an hour’s worth of conversation as the first two points are discussed – but by being aware that the third one may be the real one – makes us far more sensitive to what’s really happening in the conversation.

It even seems to be true on agendas! The third item is the most important one.

Now if you’re going to use this idea and there’s no problem in doing so – as long as it’s used with integrity – then be extremely careful of what I call the ‘forced yes’. This is a question that asked where the only possible answer is ‘yes’ or the if the person being asked doesn’t answer ‘yes; they’ll look stupid.

Let me give you a couple of examples: The salesperson who says to their potential client: “Would you like to make more money?”

How else can the client answer except with ‘Yes’ – and no doubt they’ll do so – but - feel manipulated into the answer!

The person who asks – And would you be interested to know how to save 100’s on your production costs? Again a –forced- ‘yes’ question. These should be avoided totally.

They do not help the communication process one bit – in fact they damage the process.

So there we have it – the third one is often the real one.

Now that you’re aware of this rhythm I know you’ll have fun listening out for it – and be even more effective with your own communications and as a third thought – have the edge in every conversation.

Every success

Peter