On the Third Day of Advent, my True Love said to me...

Picture this scene: a couple standing by the dishwasher.

 “Oh look! Your dishes are next to the dishwasher, AGAIN! How come you NEVER put the dishes in the dishwasher? Why is it ALWAYS down to me to put YOUR dishes in the dishwasher? How do you expect they will get washed if you put them next to and not in the machine? Do you expect the water will magically squirt out of the machine, clean them, and then hot air will mysteriously dry them ready for you to pick up on your way past? Hmmm??”

You may recognise this scenario either as the plaintiff or the defendant?

Maybe you are the one who NEVER stacks the dishes, or NEVER takes out the rubbish/garbage/trash. Is that entirely accurate? Are there ever occasions when you do?

Maybe you are the one who ALWAYS does the grocery shopping, or ALWAYS remembers the birthdays in your household. Again, I would ask... is that ALWAYS the case? Are there ever occasions when you don’t?

Always /Never are “sweeping generalisations” and don’t allow for any wriggle room. Further examples of black/white, either/or thinking. They usually carry a judgemental energy and tone as well.

I would suggest they are not resourceful words either in your relationship with yourself (your self-talk) or in your relationships with others.

When I am on the receiving end of such a generalisation, I immediately switch off from listening and go into detective mode to see if I can remember a time when I did or did not conform to the always/never judgement statement/question.

However, I can also use those same judgemental generalisations to myself which result, again, in shut down mode to any resourceful thinking. This time I’m subconsciously seeking out the answers to those questions… “Why do I always do this?” “Why does this always happen to me?” “How come I never get the break?”

When I find myself about to utter one of these generalisations, I catch myself and use a different, gentler qualifier e.g. “generally”, “frequently”. I also step back from the emphatic declaration that “You ALWAYS/NEVER do…” and go to an observation stance: “I noticed you generally leave the dishes on the side of the dishwasher rather than putting them in the machine. I’m curious… I’d love to know your reasoning.”

Sometimes I make the call between being right (scoring points and undermining the relationship) or being kind (and gently pointing out a situation). And yes, that is an either/or judgement call although quite HOW I phrase it depends on the willingness to change on my part or the other person’s!! LOL!!

Do I get it "right" every time (another generalisation there!)?

I wish!!

Do I learn from each situation and seek to communicate consciously the next time?

Absolutely!

Again, this is my map, my view of what I have observed to be unresourceful language patterns and the energy underlying these words. I would love to hear your thoughts… and not just about dishwashers and taking out the rubbish/garbage/trash!!