Thinking vs Feeling

As a nurse you see a fair amount of death.

When I say fair amount, I mean "a lot".

Those deaths always have an effect upon you, but often you save them in your head.

Away from the deep emotion.

The stuff that stops you in your tracks.

I remember sitting with a patient on a night shift as a D grade nurse 20 years ago.

She was with an old lady.

She was rarely responsive, and over time she had become more curled up and contracted.

Her arms bent.

Her legs pulled up into a foetal position.

We turned this lady as often as we could to prevent pressure sores.

We gave her fluids - when she would take them - and kept her clean.

But, she was dying.

That night I sat with her, holding her hand as she took deeper and deeper breaths, which became more laboured and with increasing amounts of space between them.

I'd not thought about this^^^ for a long time, until the memory came back to me during a conversation yesterday evening.

We got on to the subject of death, as one of my coaches had been to a virtual funeral that day, and stories were being shared around the subject.

And this memory popped into my head.

My head is that safe space where I can hold the memory, but it doesn't really pinch too hard. Hopefully.

Although safe is relative, right?

As that memory say in my head, I shifted it.

I shifted it to my heart.

While it's in my head I can tell you about the environment I was in that night.

The position of the bed.

The location of the nurses station.

I can tell you that I was holding her hand and that her breathing was laboured.

But when that memory goes to my heart... wow.

I can feel the coolness of her hand in mine.

I can hear the movement of the air as she breathes.

I can sense the light from the nurses station.

I can feel her distance from life increasing.

And I am grateful for the immense privilege of spending time with that lady in those last moments of her life.

She died that night.

There was no family to visit, but she did not die alone.

In my head that is a strong memory.

In my heart that is a powerful story.

I cried when I moved that to my heart.

And I have no shame in telling you that.

In fact, I should do that more often.

I should take these memories that I have from head space to heart space, and give them the love they deserve.

And I've been a bit resistant of late in letting myself go to these places, and I've denied myself the chance to really feel things.

That's a bit shit.

Actually that's a lot shit.

My invitation to you is ask yourself these questions - all with complete honesty and zero judgement.

Would you benefit from shifting some of your memories from a place of logic to a place of emotion?

Would it help you to make a powerful change in who you are and what you do?

Would feeling rather than thinking shift that thing that has been stopping you?