We all have heard and read about positive and negative thoughts, and how important it is to cultivate positive thoughts. Let’s a take a moment here to ponder over a couple of questions. Is controlling each thought practically possible? A stand-alone thought whether positive or negative is it powerful or disastrous?? If the answer to the above 2 questions is a “Maybe” or a “No” then why so much has been said and written about the significance of cultivating healthy thoughts.?
The reality is our thoughts are not always positive and trying to control or monitor each thought that we perceive isn’t good for us and can be an exhausting battle with the mind. We do need varieties of thoughts to help us navigate the world and to make sound decisions for e.g. right next to the peppy ‘I can do it all alone by myself’ thought we also need the sobering “I won’t be able to do it unless I start training for it”. From my professional experience of journeying with various individuals as a their Therapist the way I’ve understood it is that, more than a thought it is our tendency to often slip into certain patterns of thinking repeatedly that can have a significant impact on how we perceive and respond to ourselves, people around us and the situations in our life.?
Let’s call these consistent not so helpful thought patterns as “Thinking Pits” and try to understand them, to catch ourselves if we have a tendency to fall into any of these thinking pits often. And how to then navigate ourselves around this next time, we are operating from these thinking pits.?
Well let’s take a look at some of the common thinking pits, how to recognize them and how to get ourselves out of those loops:
- Black and White Thinking: “I ruined the whole presentation coz I wrongly sequenced the order of 2 important slides in the ppt” or “my friends have partners so they’re lovable I am single coz I’m unlovable” have you had such type of thoughts. Our mind is very good at making contrast and comparisons because from a young age we are taught the concept of being beautiful by comparing it with being ugly or being useful by comparing it with being useless. No wonder we often have a tendency to swing our thoughts to the extreme ends with regards to the situations in our life by comparing it to the other contrast. This pattern is about only seeing things one way or the other at the extreme ends without considering a possibility for the middle ground. Here’s how to manage this thinking pit. The tip is to allow natural nuance, the goal isn’t to convince ourself that we like a situation that we don’t like, rather it is to acknowledge that there are grey areas and caveats to any given situation. It surely sucks that you messed the order of the slides but there might other things that went well in your presentation like some points you bought into the discussions that was a valuable perspective for others listening to it. You’ve certainly made a mistake but that isn’t the end of your career. Isn’t it? Would you prefer to live in perpetual feeling of inadequacy or allow yourself mixed feelings of appreciation and disappointment? So next time you mind presents you only two possibilities of a situation slow down and ask if you might be missing some aspects here the more of those you will see the clearer the picture would be.
- Jumping to Conclusion: “She didn’t receive my call so she must be mad at me” or “I wasn’t invited for the party so maybe they don’t like me at all”. For better or worse our brains are faster than the jets always racing on the line of time and space to perceive what might lie ahead. In certain situations, this may be helpful like, if we waited while we deliberated each thought carefully and rationally, we wouldn’t be fast enough to duck a cricket ball that came flying at our head. But certain times this keenness to think ahead can put us in trouble. Sometimes even before the situation fully unfolds, we have already convinced ourselves that we know what is going to happen without any evidence for it and this can lead to worry and anxiety. For e.g. if I have convinced myself that that no one in the new team at work is going to like me I will be more likely be uncomfortable, nervous, resentful and even defensive in my first few interactions with them. And if they end up not being fan of this version of me then, could you blame them? What if I had gone with an open mind and more relaxed attitude? So, here’s how to avoid this pit of thinking. If you find yourself nervous or discouraging about an upcoming situation, ask yourself if your thoughts are based on facts or is it based on the fear of what might happen. No matter how accurate you might be in your prediction it’s helpful to remember that what you fear is not yet happened and there is no need to spend your time wrestling with it right now.
- Mental Sieving: “My partner is always leaving wet towel on bed he is hopeless” or “I am terrible with speeches coz I am not a good orator”. In addition to be lightning fast our brains are also naturally a good defense lawyer without even knowing we automatically state out a claim and search for evidence to support it. Surely ability to naturally and fluently speak on stage is a desirable quality to have but not having that skill doesn’t make you terrible speaker. While in this pit you will have a tendency often to look for evidences knowingly or unknowingly that supports only your belief system and not to look for any facts that may present the contrary to your beliefs. So, next time you feel stuck or despairing about something and you sense you are in this pit, step back and see if you are looking at it with blinders on. Be in an independent investigator’s shoes instead of a defense lawyer’s and let yourself explore all the evidences suspending your belief and ask yourself if there’s anything you might be missing here.
- Emotional Rationalizing: “I feel so ashamed I must have made a fool of myself” or “I feel so hopeless about this project I don’t feel it’s even worth it”. Does such self-talks sound familiar to you? Our emotions are powerful guides, that can helps us to warn from a danger or a burst of joy that can reaffirm a relationship. But sometimes we can end up reading too much into emotions and peeling them with more meaning than they were supposed to convey. For e.g. just because you feel embarrassed doesn’t mean you actually made a fool of yourself. The tip here is to understand that most of us often judge ourselves more harshly than others do. It’s worth listening to your emotions as a hint to figure out what makes you feel or think so, but don’t write off the whole situation.
- Magnifying: “The whole party is ruined” or “I lost all chances in setting things right with a relationship”. We all had been in such situations like you accidentally hit reply all for an email that was supposed to be 1-on-1 response or you made an awkward comment in front of someone you wanted to impress. It’s taking one bad moment and looking at your whole future with that lens. So, the tip here is next time you land in your ‘oops’ moment it would help to zoom out and look at the other parts of the picture. Don’t magnify the one bad moment in the whole situation. Just see it as a small part of the big picture your life.
- Clinging on to the ‘Shoulds’: “I shouldn’t have to tell her why I am upset; she should already know” or “People should always be on time”. Once in a while holding on to should maybe helpful, but if you always operate from this thinking pit then it’s like tying yourself to a wall and complaining why you can’t leave the room. Certainly, your partner should know that her careless remark hurt your feelings, but what if she didn’t mean to be hurtful and is oblivious to how her words made you feel. Insisting in your mind that “you should know” only keeps her in dark longer and keeps you simmering in your dissatisfaction in the end who pays the price for this should. When the ‘should’ is about others we get mad, angry and resentful, when the ‘should’ is about ourselves we get ashamed, guilty and miserable. If you see yourself here next time, try replacing the “should be” with “I wish it were” in your mind then see what you can work with to improve the situation.
Notice how the key to all these thinking patterns is in slowing down, adding nuance, more flexibility to thoughts and completing the whole picture. None of them are about changing your thought from negative to positive with brute force. Remind yourself to be fair, open and curious rather than being judgmental. With practice you may find yourself working with your thought rather than working against them.
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are my own and do not necessarily reflect those of Bilincc, Emwelt, or any affiliated organizations. These tips are strictly for awareness and informational purpose and doesn’t replace the mental health care from a certified professional. Please consult a qualified professional for specific guidance.
#MentalHealth #Mindfullness #SelfAwareness #Counselling #Thoughts #Coaching #Therapy
