Thinking of Confronting Your Boss (or Colleague)? Know This First.

Have you ever found yourself repeatedly accepting mistreatment or dismissal of your needs...only to eventually explode in anger and regret the aftermath?

Many of us can relate to that build-up of unexpressed frustration. We take it and take it, silently bearing the violation of our values, boundaries or both. Until we just can't anymore.

The relationships that matter most to us get clouded by resentment. Our anger comes out sideways in toxic ways. Or we shut down entirely, dissolving important connections, and internalizing the angst, only to have it emerge in the form of physical or mental illness.

There has to be a healthier way, right?

Is it really possible to speak up for yourself and hold others accountable without completely severing ties or burning critical bridges? Can we advocate for our needs while still maintaining self-respect and integrity?

In a recent conversation on the SPARKED podcast with multi-faceted coach and Braintrust Advisor, Yvonne Ator MD MPH , we unpacked practical strategies for navigating this tricky territory. How do you stand up for your needs without compromising relationships or values?

It begins with getting clear on what matters most to you. Understanding your emotions while expressing them constructively. And perhaps most crucially, distinguishing destructive behaviors from someone's core identity.

Here are 5 key insights from our discussion that can help you speak up with courage, empathy, and care:

Know Your Values

Getting clear on your core values provides a guiding framework and North star when expressing needs and setting boundaries. Take time to define what matters most so you can speak up from an authentic, grounded place of integrity. When you know your values deeply, you can identify exactly where and how they are being violated. You gain the confidence to advocate for yourself in perfect alignment with what you stand for.

Name Your Emotions

Anger often arises when our needs go chronically unmet or our values get violated. Yet anger is typically a secondary emotion, masking more vulnerable underlying feelings like hurt, disappointment, or fear. By taking time to identify the primary emotions driving your anger, you can get to the root issue and address it in a more constructive way. Don't just sit with the anger - get curious about what lies beneath it.

Focus on Behaviors, Not Identity

When calling out harm, be extremely careful to address the specific behaviors causing damage rather than attacking the person's character or identity. Identity attacks shut down dialogue and prevent accountability and change. Focusing on behaviors provides a path forward. What concrete actions can the person take to align with values? Avoid ultimatums and shame. Appreciate the whole, complex human behind the mistake.

Refer to Shared Values

When expressing hurt or disappointment, appeal to the values you hold in common rather than making it about identities. Help others see how certain behaviors violate shared priorities you both claim to care about. This builds on common ground rather than attacking the person. Show how aligning actions and values creates integrity.

Boundaries Protect Values

Healthy boundaries are the fence around your values' territory. When you're clear on core values, you know exactly where boundaries are needed. Communicate boundaries not as ultimatums, but as guardrails thoughtfully aligned with your values to preserve what matters most. They create space for integrity and growth.

Speaking up with courage, care, and empathy is possible. The full conversation on the SPARKED podcast provides deeper insights on channeling anger productively, centering your inner self first, and determining when you must remove yourself entirely. Tune in for the complete discussion. The goal is accountability and integrity, not severing ties. There is a third way, friends. #empathy #relationships #conflictresolution

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