Think Twice Before Hiring a Porsche

Beware of Shiny, Pretty Things

It’s no secret in life that people like shiny, pretty things. We get distracted by them like cats chasing flashlight beams on the wall. We dream of them. We covet them. We playfully paw at them in our sleep. We chase them and often try to “trap” them as tenderly as we can with our sharpened claws. We like the hunt, the courtship, the play.

Sometimes shiny, pretty things make us feel a little better about ourselves. We like walking into parties with one latched on to our arm. We like to think that not only did we choose them, but of all the people in Casablanca, they chose us. And when the moment comes when finally we can say, “This shiny, pretty thing is mine!” something funny happens. We wake up with a strange bedfellow we hardly know. Remember this when you think of your recruiting, hiring and onboarding process. 

Recruiting the Porsche

I once had an interview where the interviewer kept patronizing me by telling me I was a “Porsche.” I think I got the metaphor. I believe he was telling me that I was a fine-tuned, well-calibrated racing machine, something worth the high purchase price, etc. Not that I was a squat little guy with a curvaceous body that, eventually, he would lovingly name and refer to as “she.” Still, the suburban Dad in me that has seen every children's movie 100 times couldn't stop thinking about “Cars,” the Pixar movie where the blue Porsche was a female with a tattoo on her lower "back."

Please know that I am not just talking about looks. I am talking about skills, talent, experience, etc. There are many shiny, pretty things that have substance underneath. A Porsche is a great example. It’s beautiful, but there’s plenty of substance under its hood. And they’re sophisticated and fast. In the interview process, I, a so-named Porsche, was being desired and chased, and he hadn’t really “caught" me until we talked about my purchase price and we signed on the dotted line. In the proverbial hindsight is 20/20, it was then that I was officially trapped.

Unfortunately, once we finally catch shiny, pretty things, we don’t know what to do with them and soon enough, we “ruin" them. We take them out of their native environment. We put them in a fish bowl that’s too small. We cut off their oxygen intake. We stop giving them the fuel they need. We don’t maintain them according to the manual. We try to alter and modify them, breaking the warranty. We leave them in the garage too long, move them to the barn out back and the shiny pretty thing gets dusty and rusted. Or we just plain love them so much we want to squeeze them to death because like Mice of Men’s Lenny with the rabbits, we don’t know our own "strength."

The problem with shiny, pretty things is that they dull. They lose their luster. Quickly. You may get buyer’s remorse. You may not be “ready” to house them. Whatever the reason, it happens. As soon as, or really before I started the job, I realized that although I was being told that I was a Porsche, I was immediately being treated like a Yugo. I asked for a job title that was clear, concise and easily communicable to others, and instead received a title with the dreaded /backslash/. Nothing says, "we couldn’t decide what you were supposed to be doing" more than a job title backslash. Try communicating/verbalizing (see that?) a job title backslash at your next cocktail party.

My first day of work there was no one there to greet me. The second day I had to go out during lunch and buy my own computer mouse (being a Porsche, I drove there real fast and sprung for a top of the line wireless!). Not a single manager showed until after noon. The managerial meeting I was invited to was canceled or moved… three weeks in a row. I wasn’t invited to an offsite lunch or a cocktail after work, ever. I started to amusingly count the days that ticked by as I never received business cards. I noted the amount of meetings where my “manager” openly told clients and prospects that my job title didn’t make sense, and my responsibilities were "a mixed bag." I was introduced often not by my name but as the “the new _______ (insert old guy’s name or job title here)."

I don’t want to be too morbid in my use of metaphors, but the actor Paul Walker from the Fast and Furious movie franchise died in a car accident because the driver lost control of what is known as an extremely unstable, temperamental, hard-to-handle (but street-legal) Porsche. Porsches don’t drive themselves. Not yet. You have to know how to handle a Porsche. You have to respect a Porsche. You have to know how to maintain a Porsche. You also have to know how to graciously let go of it when it is apparent to all but you that it’s time to let go.

Watch out for ego purchases.

Fast, expensive cars don't just look good. Sometimes they make us feel good... for awhile. For some, however, it's not enough to just be able to look good with one, it's all we can do to let people know how much we paid for one. Most people have enough sense to not disclose salary information for those they hire, manage, or fire. But when you buy a Porsche, you may find yourself losing the battle with the urge to tell people how much you splurged. Don’t. Not after two martinis at the company holiday party. Not ever.

We’re not just talking about numbers here. Don’t even use the wink-wink or blatantly “coy" measurements such as "a lot." A "hefty sum." "Too much." "Enough to make you spit out your food.” “I’m still reelin’ from the sticker shock." Once that cat is out of the bag, you can never put it back in. It puts undo pressure points in so many areas of your company, it'd take another few articles to present my points as an overview, much less to thoroughly discuss in detail.

Maybe you realized it was an ego purchase and learned the hard way that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. You have to be smart enough to admit it wasn’t ever really an investment but a money sink, and that you don’t "take it out of the garage" nearly as much as you thought you would. Or that you’re so tender with it that you always wait for the “perfect weather.” Now’s the time to admit you’re probably better off in a VW GTI, or maybe an Audi A4.

Do you have a "fast car culture?"

If your company culture is not ready for you to hire the real deal, a maverick, a top performer, a change agent, or a feisty new hire ready to rip into any position for which you have an opening, or for any position for which you will "create for the right person," do not hire for that position. And don't ever pretend to have created that position. Start them in the race you're ready to run them in and don't promise them another one until they proved themselves on that circuit. Sometimes fast is great, sometimes slow and steady wins the race.

Caveat Emptor (Let the Buyer Beware!)

Sometimes the Porsche is a "future" person. You long for the day when the Porsche is right for you and you're right for the Porsche. It doesn't matter. You don’t hire “the kind of person" person. As in, the kind of person we want "down the road." Don't hire the car if you haven't built the road. It's such a temptation, but you must resist.

Buyer beware! If you don’t have the infrastructure or the intent for them to perform at least to their level within a reasonable amount of time (first week), much less let them try to break their own speed record (from their last job/position), please, don’t buy them. They may not be defective, but they won't be as effective as they can be. You can't take them from the Indianapolis 500 and put them in a backwoods hillbilly oval.

Don't restrain all those ponies.

Porche's want to run. Have enough road laid out for them, rather than putting a giant brick in front of their tires as they wait on the starting line, spinning their tires. Let them open up. And once you do, have a plan for them to use all of their gears. A Porsche can go to 30 MPH in first gear, but that’s not good for the car. It wants to get to fourth or fifth gear, quickly. If you don’t have the open track for it, you’ll burn its engine out, or watch it get bored and "act up.” You don’t know how to handle it? You’ll never provide what it needs. If you don't have a plan? You'll let it run off the road.

Don't be a hiring brat.  

You may want to hire a Porsche "really, really badly." That’s okay. To want is to be human. But don’t be a Veruca Salt. Don’t inspire your own Oompa Loompa song about being a hiring brat. Go by needs, not wants. There's always going to be pressure to keep up with the Joneses, which includes your friends, family and neighbors, but remember that this also includes your competitors. You need to always tell yourself that what's right for them, isn't right for you. They might be on a Porsche-buying binge, but that doesn't mean that you won't be more successful with a fleet of Honda Accords.

It doesn't matter if you and your competitors manufacture the same products or deliver the exact same services in nearly identical ways. Why? Your company culture is not their culture. Never was, never is, and never will be. Even identical twins can have very different needs and end up living very differents lives and equally thrive in very different cultures. You always have to do, and hire what's best for you. You can always have a momentary (and monetary) lapse of reason. That's forgivable. But not when it's closer to the equivalent of a full-on, multi-year mid-life crisis.

Watch out for shopper's feet.

Let's admit it. Even the best of us get tired. We all get shopper's feet, strolling the mall for hours and hours, yet no closer to knowing what we want to buy and when or if we'll be able to sit and enjoy the food court. In all reality, you may just be tired from test driving so many cars or talking to so many car dealers (recruiters, or hiring managers) and/or test driving so many cars that you just want to, or are tempted to choose the very next car they show you, or the next one you drive off the lot.

You must know, however, that you can’t afford to bring in good people that will leave your company with nothing but an incentive to tell everyone they know that, no matter how great your hiring itch and how smooth your sales pitch is coming in, you have a serious issue of over-promising and under-delivering. Know the model that is right for the job and for your culture or change the job and the culture before you hire. You want a Porsche? Build a company culture that knows how to purchase, tune, drive, and maintain one.

Delayed sticker shock and buyer’s remorse.

You may certainly have enough credit to “buy” a Porsche, but you're going to quickly have people all around you telling you how expensive it's become, and you'll feel like you're drowning. If you are underwater and can’t make the payments or there are people everywhere publicly making it known to both you, the hire and anyone else that will listen (or won't), that you and your company can't handle the payments, you’ll quickly be in default, and your company will quickly become culturally and (possibly) monetarily bankrupt. If not in bankruptcy court, the court of public opinion.

Being a Lemon

It is morally bankrupt to pursue someone you can’t handle, or sell someone on a company culture lemon. It’s a blemish on your driving record, as well as a dent on the Porche's next resume (the equivalent of Carfax). Simply put, if you’re going to be a salesperson in the hiring process, make sure you’re not acting like the stereotypical “used car” salesman, or more and more (and even more) people are going to become aware enough of your reputation that they more carefully read between the lines on your contract, or worse yet, see the "signs" (your billboards) and drive past your lot.

Every car is important.

Every car in your garage should have an explicit purpose. You need to treat every car in your garage with the respect that vehicle deserves. Don’t keep one around for a museum piece or just because you can afford it (and show your friends and neighbors you can afford one). And don't ever make anyone feel cheap either, from the Yugo to the Porsche. No matter what, it’s never just going to be the price of the vehicle that's going to come back to haunt you, it’s your public history of buying and selling that will catch up to you and become more expensive than you can imagine.

Always remember to stop and think twice before hiring a Porsche. Otherwise, you’ll be stung more than you know, long after you watched that Porsche drive off into the sunset.

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Patrick Longo is CEO of Upaya Partners, a firm specializing in transforming companies and people through company culture, storytelling and storyselling. 

He’s a recognized motivational speaker available for keynotes, training and content delivery for company culture, change management, organizational development, customer experience, sales, customer service, talent acquisition, and social media marketing.

As a lifelong creative, he also enjoys his “free" time as a filmmaker, composer, musician, and author of professional and personal development books.

Feel free to engage with Patrick by Following or connecting with him on LinkedIn, or liking his posts. Find out more at upayapartners.com.