Think carefully before giving this discount.

On the recent Edinburgh Open Day event I took the opportunity of visiting Panmure House, the last home of the philosopher and economist thinker, Adam Smith. The link to its survival and revival is the continued efforts by those at Heriot Watt University @edinburgh-business-school. I had remembered a conversation that I had enjoyed with Gavin Kennedy, a brilliant academic who had told me about the project and who had kindly given me an autographed copy of his book about Adam Smith. As you would expect from a business school, they used the 'open doors' event to effectively market the need for continuing funds. They had produced a lovely booklet. I was very sad to see in this booklet 'an appreciation' of Prof Gavin Kennedy; I had not realised that he had passed in April. As well an Adam Smith enthusiast, he was someone who wrote a number of books of negotiation. 'Everything is negotiable' first published in 1983 went onto be updated and revised, and he was someone who I appreciated.

It was in the 1980's that I had a leaflet through my door offering a Negotiation Course given by Prof Kennedy. As a young guy trying to learn what business was about, I didn't want to be caught out in case he made the comment, 'you needed to come to this course as you didn't ask for a discount'. So I wrote (in the days before email) and said that I was interested, how much for a poor retailer?

Gavin phoned me up. I was the only person every to ask for discount on his course. We met for a coffee, and at the end of our chat, he said "Don't come on the course, you don't need it". I could have taken this comment two ways. Was I too annoying for him to have on the course? I do tend to ask lots of questions. Maybe it was as I heard, a compliment? I chose to believe and accept it as a compliment.

I met him a number of times afterwards and he introduced me to the (now late) Labour leader John Smith recommending to him that he should be encouraging me. I didn't go down the path of politics, never wanting to be straight-jacketed into a particular brand. However I did think about his compliment many times and its impact on me and how genuine compliments can be constructive and shape the lives of our friends, staff and colleagues.

Eric Berne (1985) knew the value of compliments and explained that they are a powerful method of communication. There is a difference between being called a 'flatterer' and someone who genuinely flatters. Sometimes it is difficult to work out the difference. It seems we have moved to a period where we are increasingly looking to find fault with people, rather than finding things to praise. Many of us like to moan. However this is an environment that is less then positive. Sure, some high profile examples perhaps deserve to be moaned (or even groaned) at, however an attitude of 'finding things wrong' is in danger of pervading our everyday lives.

Children respond best to encouragement, so do adults. As humans, being judgmental is something we seem to do naturally. Of course it may be a primeval method of thinking and feeling; if you picked the wrong person to hang out with you could end up in trouble. However always looking for things to complain about is not a balanced perspective and, I would argue, not supportive of your personal well-being or those around you or valuable to society. There should be some thought applied to moans so that they don't be devalued and dismissed as 'fake-news' or 'humbug' or become the norm, which becomes easily dismissed.

So conditioned are many of us that on receiving a lovely remark that we assume the person wants something. We end up not only 'discounting' the compliment but also have 'discounted the person' giving us the compliment. This discount has the effect of being 'uncomplimentary' to the giver. It may reinforce the attitude of 'why give compliments if I get them thrown in my face?' or in myriad of other ways due to the complexity of human nature, but in the main, not a positive experience.

Many cultures find it difficult to accept compliments. For a long time I was in that position and it has taken lots of thinking to change my view. I realised that every time I discount a compliment I am thinking less of myself. I now think about compliments more carefully, and unabashedly say 'thank you for the compliment'. With so many people ready to criticise, take all you can get, and hold on to them for as long as you can. Don't make the mistake of ego expansion; just enjoy the moment.

When I have been brought into organisations with management/employee relationship difficulties I often end up challenging negative thoughts around praise, only to be told 'I don't give compliments unless they are really deserved'. Compliments don't become devalued if you are genuinely giving them out. More often than not, if people embark on a positive attitude it is reciprocated in kind; it's not a quick fix and needs consistency however it creates an enhanced a working environment. And no, people don't ask for wage rises because you've told them they are doing well.

I would challenge you to see the power of compliments. Give out more, make them genuine, and if they are discounted or rejected, think how people feel when you have done the same in the past.

In the 1980's I bought a few of Gavin Kennedy's books for friends and family. One of my family even achieved a discount at Marks and Spencer after reading his book! Gavin kindly signed my copy 'to the person that doesn't need this book'. (I met him 20 years later to let him know how much his compliment meant to me). Of course, I negotiated a discount on my bulk (!) purchase, which he countered by saying things like; 5% off for volume purchase, 5% off for sheer audacity, etc. Never give anything away without getting something in return is the negotiation mantra. When you give a compliment, what you should get in return is the feeling that you are making society a better place. I believe that we need more balance in the social narrative. You may already be generous in compliments, however most people are compliment starved. Please feel free to share a compliment each day and think carefully before discounting any you receive.... Let me know if it works.