Think They Can or Think They Can't? You're Right!

In one of the most famous psychology experiments on children that didn't involve marshmallows, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson told teachers that some of their students had been identified as "growth spurters" by a new intelligence test, the "Harvard Test of Inflected Acquisition," given at the beginning of the school year.?

And sure enough, as the researchers wrote their 1968 article, titled "Pygmalion in the Classroom," those students showed significant increases in IQ that year compared to their "non-spurting" classmates.

The kicker? There was no magic prediction test; that Harvard Test of Inflected Acquisition was a total fiction. The "spurters" had been randomly selected from among all the children in the study.?

And those alleged "spurters" responded to the teachers' expectations, which turned into unconscious behaviors that somehow favorited those special students. Rosenthal and Jacobson had demonstrated the power of the self-fulfilling prophecy.

What does this have to do with you helping the people around you get better??

Everything.

Enough is Enough

When you approach someone who needs to change something about their behavior, it's often been bothering you for a while. You might have been stewing while the pressure was building to do or say something about it.?

In other words, you passed a threshold of tolerance of the behavior, and now you're being motivated at least partly by some "enough is enough" energy.

At this point, you may even be thinking that having the conversation will just be a waste of time.

"Who am I kidding? They're never change." — that sort of thinking.

And that sort of thinking leaks into your words, your facial expressions, your posture, your energy, and your actions. Communicating strongly, if subconsciously, that you don't think much of their potential to change and grow.

Confidence is the Truth

You may be thinking, "OK, so I have to lie to myself in order to have an effective uplifting conversation? I have to pretend that I believe they can change, without the benefit of having a couple of Harvard psychologists lying to me first?"

Fortunately, you don't have to lie to yourself. You just have to distance yourself from frustration and other negative emotions long enough to recognize the truth: you actually do have confidence in the other person.

How do I know this? Am I some kind of mind-reading wizard??

No. I'm just taking you at face value.

Because if you're having the conversation at all, you're doing so because you believe there is reason to have it.?

You wouldn't spend even one minute trying to convince a fish to climb a tree.?

The very fact that you're having the conversation means that you have at least some degree of confidence that change is possible. (Unless, of course, you're just going through the motions and this is just a CYA or "dot the I's" ritual done as part of a cynical dance of progressive discipline, aka "fire them by the book.")

So before you approach your conversation partner, get in touch with that confidence, as robust or as slim as it may be.?

Remember that your expectations are powerful here. Convey hope and trust, and you'll often be met with attitudes and actions that justify that hope and trust. Communicate doubt and despair, and they'll probably prove you right as well.?

Communicating Confidence

Signaling your positive expectations energetically does a lot of the heavy lifting. And you can also verbalize your confidence in them at the start of the conversation.

Last week we talked about orienting the conversation toward a positive future.?

Right after describing that positive future, share your confidence that they can help you get there.?

Some Examples

Difficult team member: "I’d like to improve the performance of our team, and I think your contributions could be key. I’d like to talk with you about what’s getting in the way."

Salesperson faltering as the deal gets more complex: "You’ve rewarded my faith in you by moving the deal as far as you have. I know this part is new for you, and I’m happy to help you strategize."

CEO can't commit to a long-term marketing strategy, and CMO is frustrated: "So I’d like to talk about our marketing plan. I’m really struggling with it, and I’d like your help."

Your Turn

Think of someone whose behavior you'd like to change. Notice any frustration or anger or hopelessness in your body. Sit with it and breathe, until you can separate yourself from the emotion. (Luckily, you don't have to argue with it or make it go away.)

Now think about why you're having the conversation at all. Why isn't it a complete waste of time? What have they demonstrated in the past that could give you hope for this issue? What are their strengths? How did they get into this position of responsibility in the first place?

Spend time curating and cultivating reasons to believe that they can change.?

Next week, we'll talk about how to transfer ownership of the issue so that it's no longer your problem, but their opportunity.?

If you'd like to become a conversational grandmaster who looks forward to every interaction — even the challenging ones — you can start with my (and Peter Bregman's) book, You Can Change Other People. (Great book, embarrassing title.) If you'd like to accelerate your progress toward becoming a truly "Trigger-Free Leader," let's talk. Click here to schedule a discovery call.