THINK BEFORE YOU FORGIVE

“I am sorry, sir, this is the first time I have done this. Please forgive me.” Prashanth was standing before his boss. The boss was in no mood to accept his plea. “Sorry, Prashanth. The mistake you have done is so unpardonable. It is not the consideration you have received for doing this mistake, but it is an assault on the entire system. If I forgive you, it means that I am an accomplice. I would not be able to forgive myself.”

Indeed, the boss knew fully well that removing him from the job would mean that his entire family is put into distress as he was the only earning member. But compassion or sympathy does not accommodate any wrongdoing which could challenge the trust of any system. Forgiveness is indeed a noble act, when it comes with a general note, but when it comes to ensuring systemic order, any violation needs to be looked with an eagle’s eye to examine the amount of impact it would make on its stakeholders.

As I walked into the room of one of my senior colleagues, he congratulated me for my performance in a national conference. “I heard your paper was well received.” I acknowledged it with a smile and gratitude. “Have you published it?” he continued. “Not yet” was my simple reply. “Can I have a copy of your paper?” I thought he was curious to read, and I gave him a copy of the paper. Just in a few days, the same paper appeared under his name in one of the newspapers. Showing me a copy of the newspaper, he asked “How do you like my article?”? I just smiled. My smile was just telling him “I have forgiven you.” It happens many times in organizations people tend to take credits for what they have not done or for something over which they do not have any ownership. Sometimes challenging them or fighting with them is not worth one’s time and energy. “If you want to see the brave, look at those who can forgive. If you want to see the heroic, look at those who can love in return for hatred” says, The Bhagavad Gita.

Forgiveness has been one of the most debated topics in the portals of judiciary. The thin line of difference between law and justice has always created more debates for centuries among the practitioners of law. Keeping aside the issues that gravitated attention of the judiciary, the concept of forgiveness in normal and routine life situations has been a matter of interest in the domains of spirituality.

Says Martin Luther King Jr. “"Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, than the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning."

Describing a prevalent practice among one of the tribes in South Africa, Jack Kornfield writes in his book “The Art of forgiveness,” which runs as follows:

“In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his positive attributes, charitable deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.”

This narrative almost goes with the saying of Oscar Wilde who said “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. “But he had been a very good friend of yours.”

“Of course, he was.” Smith continued “That is why I helped him with a huge amount in a lump sum as he wanted it for a medical emergency. He promised to return in about a month. But he has been dodging for two years, though he has enough money now. He could buy a new luxury car, he could go on a long expensive holiday with family, but he has no intent to return the loan. He tells me ‘Why are you in a hurry? You have enough money.” That is not the issue. The intent and attitude have discredited his credibility.”

Sometimes, people find it difficult to forgive others in spite of their generosity because the intent and attitude of others become questionable. There are others who have a lengthy list of occasions when they have forgiven others, and they love to display it whenever they have an opportunity to brand themselves. “Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude” says Martin Luther king Jr.

Forgiveness is not an act of cowardice or escapism; it is indeed an act of bravery. When Arjuna laid down his arms and asked Krishna “Can’t we forgive our enemies and avoid this war?” Krishna replied, “In order to establish dharma, righteousness, sometimes you have to fight a war; no act of forgiveness would help.”

Forgiveness relieves many people from their resentment, discord, and bitterness. It often opens a new path for renewed togetherness, bondage, and friendship, thereby eliminating an atmosphere of negativity. In trying to forgive others, often one tends to elevate the self to higher pedestal of existence, it is said that the strength to forgive others often comes from a higher level of awareness about the self, a sense of liberation from compulsive existentialism and freedom from an emotional pain.

“Forgiving others is my personal choice; I don’t need lessons from others” said Ashok when he was advised to be liberal while dealing with a case in the workstation. He was indeed right, but that still indicated to the chains he had laid for himself. Says Amber Lyon in his book “You are a Magnet” – “The art of forgiving is never for the benefit of the one who hurt you, but for yourself.” He continues “And forgiveness is so that you can create from a place of being unencumbered, so your past does not dictate the decision you make today.”

I have often quite impressed by the Prakrut language phrase ““Michchhami Dukkadam” practiced in Jainism meaning “I seek forgiveness.” It is indeed an excellent practice of liberating the self with humility, a practice that liquidates one’s ego. Buddhism believes in increased “awareness” which alone could facilitate the individual to forgive others.

Says Mark Twain “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” For those who always come with the question “Why should we forgive others when they deserve to be punished,” there could be a few simple reasons to consider:

1.????? Forgiveness is not an award to others, but to one’s own selves, as it is a liberating force.

2.????? Forgiveness is a great healer; it heals both the giver and the taker.

3.????? Forgiveness is not a onetime event; it is an attitude that empowers the mental health.

4.????? Forgiveness is a force that liquidates the negativity and violence in the immediate circle in which you exist.

As the act of forgiveness has a significant impact on the psychological universe in which one exists, and as it defines one’s relationship with the world in which they exist and the way they treat it, it is important that one should think before they forgive-“Why am I doing what I am doing?”. In a world haunted by competitive cohabitation furthered by uninhibited consumerism leading to aggressive immediacy for gratification, the power of forgiveness will be a powerful healer provided we know how to use this tool.

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