Things You Don't See

Let’s talk taboos; let’s cover Miscarriage, Domestic Abuse and Mental Health. Let’s discuss how terrible the criminal justice system is at protecting and serving victims. Let’s see if we can remove the stigma of Domestic Violence victims, those who stay and those who leave.

The first time I recognised my own mental health came at 20 shortly after a forced termination, by well-meaning family. It was never a decision that sat well with me and the guilt is still, at times, overwhelming. I guess that guilt intensified following my miscarriage last year. I guess that is when I recognised that I hadn’t entirely processed everything that I had been through, all I had done was the bare minimum in order to just keep myself out of a spiralling depression.

Now at 27 my mental health journey has only really just started.

Let’s get into some basic facts now:

What is Domestic Abuse?

The UK Government define it as: “any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. The abuse can encompass, but is not limited to psychological, physical, sexual, financial, and emotional.”

·        2 million people in the UK fall victim to domestic abuse every year!

·        100,000 of those are at high and imminent risk of being murdered or seriously injured as a result of domestic abuse.

·        Women are more likely to be in that high risk category.

·        On average victims suffer for 2/3 years before getting help.

·        In the UK seven women are killed every month by their current of former partner.

SEVEN every damn MONTH are killed KILLED by their PARTNER! You know that person who is supposed to love you care for you and support you!

This may come as a shock to some of you reading this, but I do not have my shit together right now!

(That was harder to write than you can imagine)

So the opening line should give you all you need to know but if it needs to spelled out I have had a pretty pants last few years! With the last 12 months really taking the biscuit! The “right now” bit has been going on for a little while I guess.

My closest friends knew something was wrong but they thought I had become a recluse from the miscarriage and lack of money from buying the house. Probably because that’s what I would tell them every time I cancelled a trip to see them, I wouldn’t tell them my boyfriend had thrown his toys out the pram again and was unpacking my bag to stop me going.

My family thought I had been a little too distant but again were giving me some space since the miscarriage. As we never made firm plans when “something came up” they didn’t question it, they didn’t know that he had stood screaming at me not to leave the house and had called me 10 times before I even made it out of Croydon begging me to come home and look after him.

But worst of all, I didn’t even recognise it. Me the one living it! I had somehow blinkered myself from all the controlling, coercive behaviour. Even when I recorded him flying off the handle as I thought if he heard himself back when he was sober he would change. I just never found the courage to confront him about it, he would just explained it away as just a drunken outburst. Even when I saw his cocaine use increase from “with the lads” at weekends, to waking up on a Saturday morning watching him do a line before even getting out of bed, or coming home from work on a Monday and shoving the white stuff in his face. Even then I didn’t recognise it, I would say things like “oh it was just the cocaine last night, he didn’t mean to say that” or “what happened this morning wasn’t really what I thought it was, he probably just didn’t hear me saying no and asking for it to stop.” It took 3 broken ribs, a crushed windpipe and a full body of bruising for me to finally wake up, call the police and walk away.

What the hell, I would have never thought you would be a victim of Domestic Abuse Flic!

That was the main reaction from my friends, although there are still some who don’t know and will potentially find out by reading this. So for you guys, yes I’m alive, no he hadn’t hit me before, yes I am safe.

The hardest bit of all is walking away, had it not been such a sustained attack I fear that I would still be with him or maybe not even here at all.

From the outside I appear to be clear of it. He was in prison, (released a year early for good behaviour!), I am dating again and meeting new people. All is peachy, that’s the hard bit done right?

HELL NO!

They tell you the statement, court dates and pressing charges is the hard bit, I’ll be honest they lied! The hard bit is trying to get the court order for you to be able to sell the house that he hasn’t paid the mortgage on since October but you don’t qualify for legal aid because you have an income. The hard bit is taking the phone call from witness care to tell you that even though this is his 4th time in prison he is still eligible for early release and rather than serve his full 16month sentence could be released as soon as 5months in (which did happen last week). The hard bit is working in recruitment and having to still be on top of your game when you know that today has been mainly avoiding the database because you just can’t face seeing his name. The hard bit is smiling through the light-hearted jokes from acquaintances about how terrible you are at choosing boyfriends. The hard bit is having everyone ask if you’re ‘really’ ok when yes I’m fine hasn’t fooled them, but you can’t actually talk about it because you know you won’t be able to stop crying once it starts!

For those of you that have needed to reach out for help with mental health and taken up counselling either via NHS, Private or from charities you will be familiar with the below question. It always throws me, I just don’t know what they mean and equally I am a bit of a rambler so I don’t wanna say all that I am thinking in case they wheel me off in a straight jacket!

Have you had any suicidal thoughts?

Like what does that even mean! Are you asking if I have thought about how I would end it, actual planning of it. Or do you just want to know, if on some days when it’s bad and I am waiting for a train, have I wondered what peace it would bring to just no longer be here? Well yes, yes I have. But if I am too stubborn to default on the mortgage and let him win that way you can be sure as hell I won’t have him win by me taking my own life.

I can say that I am through with those particular thoughts now on the whole, for me now it’s much more just a longing to be someone else for the day. To wake up and not have this on my shoulders and chest, having the funds to just book myself on a holiday because I really do need a week sitting with my feet in the surf smiling out into the horizon. The one big change is that I now see that in my future, every day I am getting that tiny bit closer to truly being free from him.

Where am I now? Where’s my head at?

I have mostly good days now, although today is not one of them, it’s definitely not a bad day in the sense of what they used to be. I can have a cry when things get too much and then I can stop and carry on. I can get on the tube and listen to music if I want to, I do still wait for busy ones to go past though.

I still cancel on my friends on short notice, but I hope they understand why. I still find myself distracted and procrastinating at work, but I am glad to say that I work for an organisation who are supporting me beyond my expectations. There are days when I just can’t face the office and on those I can work from home.

I have days when the thought of picking up the phone and pitching new business fills me with such dread that my chest tightens, I start sweating, I can’t breathe, tears swell in my eyes, I panic and hang up. Then I have days where everything goes right, no I don’t mean I win business on every call because baby those days don’t exist. I have deep meaningful conversations with customers and we exchange true value, they trust me because I have maintained my honest no fluff approach.

I have weekends where I don’t even get dressed, I stay in my pyjamas watching crap TV on the sofa and I forget to even eat. And I have weekends where I do brunch and go for a walk, clean my house top to bottom and get the garden looking like it’s not just a collection of weeds and twigs.

It wasn’t easy for him to break me down and the miscarriage definitely aided my demise, however I am on my way back to me again now and though the road may be long, I’ve got my talcum powder in hand and I’m wearing the right socks! I am ready to get my shit back together now.

Did I ever think this would be a blog I would write let alone actually post? Nope, not a chance in hell.

I was afraid of showing the world my head is sometimes preoccupied, admitting that I am indeed seeking help from a mental health professional and that I allowed someone else to own me and control me. I thought all of that would lose me my clients and candidates, I thought I would be damaging my “brand”. I thought admitting all of the above would have people only see me as a victim, and not as a fighter.

What changed?

I sought help and guidance from those close to me, from professionals within mental health and I gained confidence from hearing/reading other people’s posts and videos. The boys and girls at Sanctus are high up on that list for me, they may not know it, but watching James & George talk openly about their struggles has helped me put my own experience, and not just the facts for a victim statement, down on paper. My counsellor Rim from IKWRO has helped me learn that I can trust myself again and that it’s ok to cry. Ayesha my victim liaison officer has given me the confidence to go on dates and meet new people, to see that I am not always just a victim. The Senior Management team here at OneZeero have provided me the space and flexibility to process and accept all that has happened whilst still giving me the support I need to maintain and continue growing my desk and business. My friends and family have given me their love, time and countless shoulders to cry on.

No matter where you are on your own journey please don’t give up, just open your eyes and look for the support and help available to you. It is there you’ve just got to find it. If you can’t see it, message me! I will happily recommend you to a number of sources that helped me.

I don’t like the quote every cloud has a silver lining, mainly because that silver lining is rain and it’s June so can we have some sunshine again now please! But for reals the tunnel does have a light at the end of it!