Things we think at 12, 22, 32 and (still) at 42

My son recently asked me if I would help his schoolfriend who was really nervous about a presentation she had to do. Of course I said I would.

When we first talked, what hit me so clearly?was that the things?this lovely 12 year?old was telling me were the exact?things that 30, 40 and 50something women tell me all the time.

What if it doesn't come out right?

What if they think I'm stupid?

What if they think I shouldn't be talking about that?

What if the people who?do tell me that I did a good job are just saying that to make me feel?good?but really also think I'm stupid.

?If these questions sound familiar, you aren't alone.

These are the standard questions of a human brain. That we've never been taught to answer.

The repetitive, self doubtful questions our minds ask us?become problematic - way bigger than they should be -?when we don't answer them because?the same brain that can drive us?to the Supermarket and back?literally without thinking, loves to remember, automate and trigger any patterns of behaviour that we repeat.

Excellent news for the experienced driver en route to the Supermarket without the nerves of someone who just past their driving test yesterday. Bad news for the human who questions their value, their input and their contribution. The questions just keep coming on a loop.

What we think often enough, our brain starts to think?for?us.?That's our brain's job. To flag recurring thoughts as noteworthy and then delegate them to?default thinking.

What most of us have not learned to do is finish the conversation our brain has started with us when it throws one of these questions out.

We haven't learned to take that question in our hand and have a conversation with it.

Instead, we freeze. The thought feels frightening and we take it as a stop sign.

'I shouldn't say this. Too much is at stake'.

We're?believing it won't come out right, so not getting it out at all. Staying quiet feels like a much safer option.

We're believing a discussion our brain wants to have - a perfectly normal question from a perfectly human brain - is a STOP sign, when it isn't.

It's a human needing reassurance.

Take?the thought out into your hand and imagine holding it.

So what IF it doesn't come out right?

Will you say it again? Re-phrase it. Take the time to ask if anyone has any questions?

And how can you prepare today to help it come out right?

Practice on your friend? Write it out and get the order clear in your mind?

?And?

What IF they think you're stupid?

Do you think you're stupid?

Why? Why not?

?Is there something you'd like to learn about, read up on or practice doing? Why not plan in time to do that?

?

Self-love is such a hot topic.

Buying?nice things and pampering ourselves... I love all this jazz but I don't think this is really what self love is.

?I think self-love is a practice of having?conversations with ourselves when we need them. Giving ourselves some actual time, attention and thoughtfulness when we need it.

And like any practice, this takes time. If you can catch just one of those thoughts a day and give it just 2?minutes of your time, consider what the compound effect of that would be in a week, a month, year?

The next time your brain throws out one of the standard question of a human who's questioning themselves, have a conversation with it. Have a bit of patience with it the way you'd have with a child who came to you with the same question.

PS: Have you heard about the next round of my women only small group online coaching programme?

It starts April 26. The details are here.