THE THINGS WE DO (AND DON'T DO) BECAUSE OF FEAR

-????????? Not saying how we truly feel for fear of not being understood

-????????? Not asking for that promotion that we have wanted for a long time

-????????? Not trying to change things or ask for a behavioral change from somebody

-????????? Not asking our boss whether it’s OK to work from home sometimes

-????????? Not asking what the company culture is like during an interview, because "I should be the one fitting in"

-????????? Not taking a “dolce far niente” break and looking at the phone instead, to see whether somebody was looking for me or had something important to say

-????????? Not telling people I am not a big fan of Christmas because it is unpopular to say

-????????? Not telling my mom I wish she’d be happier, because “people in their 70s don’t change”

-????????? Not going to the psychologist/doctor because “how can they help me in the end”

-????????? Not telling people I am fearful of the mountains, because I live in Switzerland and hiking is just walking

-????????? Not saying NO to something I am not sure of, because what if I miss an opportunity

-????????? Saying YES to something because “it makes more sense”

-????????? Not listening to the gut feeling because we must be logical

-????????? Not being logical because we only react to things sometimes

-????????? Not removing myself from an uncomfortable situation because “I might be exaggerating”

-????????? Not looking for a new job because “what if the new job is worse than the current bad situation?”

-????????? Looking at my emails until very late because my colleagues do the same

-????????? Leaving the office late even if I am done working, because “what would they think of me”

-????????? Not asking that person how they are feeling, if they are looking down, because “what if I am perceived as intrusive”

Fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of change, fear of uncertainty. Some of the sentences above belong to me, some others I observe in clients and in people around me, and this is part of being human.

Fear affects decision-making and growth. But it is also natural! It helps protect ourselves. ?It is ?a survival mechanism which has helped our ancestors to avoid danger. World mental health day is around the corner and every time I teach first aid for mental health, we talk about how, in the modern world, fear often manifests in less physical but equally paralyzing ways, affecting emotional and mental well-being. Fear of rejection is a big one. I wonder: what would we do differently if we did not fear any rejection?

I have always had a difficulty thinking on how to tell people the way to overcome fear, because there are many things we can do, but in reality, what does it mean to be brave? Then, I listened to somebody talking about courage saying: “Courage is not the absence of fear, but it means to do things despite that fear”. Even when fear is present, courage allows us to move forward. Small acts of assertiveness and baby steps like saying one NO this week, identify one thing I need to express or simply do something new can really be a catalyst of mental wellbeing as well as empowerment. Sometimes I think of historical figures who have spoken up despite fear for their lives (I often think about Giovanni Falcone and how he lived constantly on alert and somewhat hidden, even though he reached so many people in his quest of justice against mafia), or simply about the act of courage of someone who leaves an unhealthy relationship despite the fear of being alone.

Fear creates the known responses of fight, flight, or freeze. I recently experience some freezing moment: not being able to go to the gym at a hotel because there was somebody who seemed to be following me (it felt in the end just as an uncomfortable situation from which I removed myself) and I was travelling alone for work and the gym was at the basement of a hotel. This is what made me reflect about writing this topic on this month’s awareness generator. I felt not only very vulnerable, but also paralyzed in my decision to be able to do sports in an environment that was supposed to be protected. I told myself “I feel fear, so I just have to protect myself and don’t do sports today or maybe do sports when I will be travelling accompanied”. The things we don’t do for fear are many….I wish I could have said “what are you looking at?” or “why did you follow me from the reception?” But I couldn’t. And I think in the end it was the right decision, but I still felt I was prevented from being me and from doing something. It's like fear promotes a lack of freedom, as discrimination does.

Now, thinking of some practical steps to tackle fear, those are my favorite:

• Self-awareness: Let’s recognize what is making us fearful. At least by understanding why we avoid certain things, we can start tackling them.
• Small steps: If I tackle one thing at the time and I see it as a baby step, I feel much more encouraged to do things I fear.
• Positive reinforcement: Some mini reward after we have done something which was difficult or made us anxious is always important too.
• Mindset shift: Reframing creates resilience. Instead of asking ourselves "What if I fail?" we could ask "What if this works out?"
• Use assertive communication: expressing our needs does not mean imposing or being selfish. It means being aware and creating healthy boundaries and also healthy relationships, with people who know us. It can help us being less anxious and embracing rather than avoiding.

So, what would you do if fear weren’t holding you back?