THINGS WE DID FOR 9 – 5

I stumbled on this piece I did for Red Media some years ago. I am still rolling on the floor, laughing. I have tried to recall the position applied for but couldn’t. Sorry. But I remember the job opening came with an instruction that says write on the slug: “If my life was a blank canvas, what would I write on it.”

And did I get the job? Oh no, I didn’t.

Here was my EXACT entry. No doctoring. No laugh me o. Haha.

 "If my life was a blank canvas, what would I write on it"

By Queen Eugene

If my life were a blank canvas, I would etch my professional self on it. Truth is, my penchant for spanking poverty as the main source of all my problems is already trite.

More importantly, it is a 'false' narrative. More interesting is the fact that employers would not buy into the narrative even when I indict myself with the tale as they do not get to see specific, detailed, on-my-job experiences in my curriculum vitae. Near to nothing is available, anyway.

These 'guys' cannot understand when I say, I have five years working experience, yet 'no experience' to show for it.

Year 2014 was when I cut my teeth in the PR industry. But nudge me to share my hands-on, working experience and all what you would get from me shall be a paltry handful. Hello, no figuratives -- just a handful, I truly mean. Now you have begun to imagine this petite hand of mine. Right? I know. Your eyes still dilating, querying: "Why?" But, why not? Yes! Why not? This is Nigeria. Isn’t it? Here, poverty speaks through people without words. This 'small' poverty that you and I see as something for only poor people. But you were there when Nigeria recently earned her rightful place as the country with highest number of extremely poor people in the world, according to a report by the US Brookins Institution. Yes indeed.

I...I... (note the emphasis) make up that number. Look me up. You would see. If not how do I explain that ever since my first job which lasted two years, I have not been "gainfully employed" to use the cliché. Many thanks to poverty. No! Poverty, you don't deserve any thank you from me. You don't! For stripping me of job opportunities? Never! No thanks.

Sorry, reader. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted... less than sixty seconds ago. But no employer could oblige me when they cannot see in my CV, milestones of experiences requisite of a professional. Infact, here is an excerpt from one employer's feedback I had thought I so impressed when I left the panelists mesmerised and mouth agape: "While we appreciate your experience and enthusiasm shown during the interview process... we will keep your profile in view of future positions that might fit your skills set and encourage you to inform us of any changes in your CV."  

Okay. Allow me not to bore you with more details of my jobs/employment missionary journeys. But all these are much ado about something: That I have written a deluge of requests to many employers, 'begging' for internship opportunities, at least.  But no not one consideration.

One more extract of the exact note that I have continued to send out, please: "My name is Queen Eugene. I am a Public Relations strategist. I once managed a popular financial institution, called Standard Alliance Insurance PLC. I recently decided to reinvent myself due to the widening Nigeria job terrain so I went into 'sister' profession, Digital Marketing. Because I could not raise the money for offline training which is quite expensive, I employed the self-learning pedagogy using the internet. I have not done badly. Now, I seek a reputable outfit as yours to hone my skills. Kindly assist me as I am not really a nonentity in the industry. I write great blog and social media content. I also have PR skills to bring to bear. Please consider me. Thanks."

This "beg-beg" as much as I can remember has hit the mails (or maybe it ended up in the SPAM department) of the HR and the C-suites of many companies.

Still wondering, but I could not raise the money to go for trainings which a true professional truly needs to be in business. These days, good trainings hunger good money. Still away from the PR sector, Digital Marketing training costs as much as N400,000 for training/certification in reputable outfits such as Wild Fusion.

Coming back to PR, I had to pay through my nose the N150,000 fee to become a member of Nigeria Institute of Public Relations (NIPR) in 2015. Ever since, jobs continue to play the Abiku that would not come in and stay. The offering by Standard Alliance Insurance as contained in my CV? Matter for another day.

Oh well! My attitude to life and its nuances has always been positive. Can I be considered a "recent graduate of Mass Communication?" No! Can I be said to be "well experienced?" No way!

But! These words remain my only caress: Zest. Impact. Result.  Always on the lookout for learning opportunities. Currently, she seeks a spot in a fast moving, reputable company like Red Media Africa.

Please do not say: "No."