Things that a Real Estate Attorney just doesn't want to hear (and the list keeps growing!!!)

Things that a Real Estate Attorney just doesn't want to hear......... (and the list keeps growing!!!)

1. I know you're busy.

2. Did you get my E-Mail.

3. In order to keep the price of the real estate under $1.0 MIL, I will separately pay the Seller $100,000.00 for furniture. This way I can avoid the Mansion Tax.

4. At 8:00AM, you didn't respond to my E-Mail from last night that I sent to you at 11:30PM.

5. I can sign my wife's name on the documents, right? I have always signed her name on everything else.

6. I get to stay in the house for 5 days after the closing for free, right?

7. The Purchaser's Mortgage rate lock in is expiring, and I was told that if I do not close before the expiration date that the deal is dead (irrespective of the on/or about closing date in the Contract).

8. I didn’t do anything at all that was required of me by the Escrow Agreement. When do I get the Escrow?

9. I am no longer a New York resident, but what if I just say that I am?

10. I know that the Contract says that I am to deliver the entire premises fully vacant and broom clean, I thought they would appreciate that I left them some furniture.

11. The Purchaser wants to move his furniture and furnishings into the house before the closing; is that okay?

12. I paid that Mortgage off a long time ago. Why is it now coming up as being a problem?

13. I don’t have a Mortgage on my property I have a Credit Line.

14. I want to keep the Credit Line open after I sell the property, my Loan Officer said that I could do that.

15. My Bank said that Title Insurance is optional.

16. My Bank said that a Survey is optional.

17. I have a Title Company that will insure it.

18. My Broker said that the other Attorney is trying to reach you and that you’re not responding.

19. My Broker said that we are closing tomorrow.

20. DEP never put my name on the DEP account; does that mean that I do not have to pay water / sewer charges?

21. So what if the heating system broke, the sale is supposed to be "as is".

22. The Sidewalk Violation against my real estate is from a long time ago.

23. What do you mean that I have to clear the violations against my real estate, the deal is supposed to be "as is".

24. We are ready to close on our purchase and I noticed that the Seller did not trim the lawn.

25. I closed 6 months ago on my purchase, and the heating system isn’t working. How much money is in escrow?

26. In order to get the house I waived the appraisal and all the inspections, is that okay?

27. For my New Jersey purchase, the Broker advised me that they wouldn’t allow me to make the purchase contingent on my New York sale, is that okay?

28. The closing date in my Sale Contract is on/or about July 1, today is July 2, do I get to keep their Down Payment?

29. I know you advised me, but I was at a barbecue this past weekend and my cousin who is an Attorney with the City, he advised me differently.

30. Are you going to review the Home Inspection Report with me?

31. I closed on my purchase 6 months ago and I just now learned that the extension in the rear of the house is illegal.

32. I closed about 20 years ago, do you have a copy of my Survey from my file?

33. My Loan Officer failed to disclose a zero tolerance item, the Mansion Tax, he said I can just pay it outside of closing.

34. The Seller just called me to say that he did not get a final water meter reading from DEP, and his Attorney suggested that we adjust off the last bill.

35. The Seller just called me to say that he did not get a final water meter reading from DEP, and his Attorney suggested that he holds $200.00 in Escrow until the final reading comes in.

36. Did you hear anything about a closing date?

37. My Real Estate Broker said that my closing is taking place tomorrow.

38. My Real Estate Broker said to tell you to "just hold Escrow."

39. When you express make a clear and explicit statement to someone, and they respond: "In other words.........."

40. My Real Estate Broker is getting paid $40,000.00, can you do better on your legal fee.

41. My Real Estate Broker said that you are difficult to work with.

42. The Representative from DEP advised me to not order a final water meter reading until I have a definite closing date.

43. Broker: I am calling about your Client. Who is our Client? I’m not sure.

44. My Loan Officer said that I’m not allowed to get money back from my closing but he said that they can write the check to you, you put it into your Escrow Account and then you can write the check to me.

45. I want to add my girlfriend to the Deed, and my Loan Officer said that I can’t do that at the closing, but after the closing I should have you add her to the Deed but not to let my Loan Officer know about it.

46. If I remove the fence, that should solve my "out of possession" issue.

47. I locked in my Mortgage Rate (although I haven’t yet signed the Contract).

48. I was speaking to my friend about my Contract; he works for the City.

49. I’m closing on Tuesday, I shut off my gas and electric on Monday.

50. You’re my Attorney, aren’t you supposed to be working for me?

51. I discovered after the closing that there was an issue, and I was told that this was "for information only".

52. So there's a Judgment against me, I thought the sale was supposed to be "As Is".

53. My girlfriend and I are purchasing the house together, I put up $25,000.00 more than she did, can you write up a "little paper" between us in the event that we break up.

54. My friend, the Mortgage Broker, said that he got me the best deal possible.

55. I changed my legal name 15 years ago, who are you making this an issue now.

56. My Mortgage Broker had gotten me a 15 day extension on my rate, after that, he said it’s up to you to work it out with the other Attorney.

57. Retainer? I thought the $500.00 you had gotten up front was my entire legal fee.

58. My Real Estate Broker said that you only get paid in the end when the deal closes.

59. Although you got me out of the deal, that I only wanted to cancel because I changed my mind, I still have to pay you a legal fee?

60. My Real Estate Broker said that you would explain the Property Condition Disclosure Statement that he had me sign to me.

61. My Tenant in the house I am selling isn’t allowing me to show his apartment. I need for you to write a letter to him.

62. My Real Estate Broker said that all the houses on the block when I am purchasing have a large deck and a built-in pool, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

63. My Real Estate Broker advised me that the reason there is no Certificate of Occupancy for the house I am considering purchasing is because there was a fire in the Department of Buildings and all the records were destroyed.

64. My Real Estate Broker said that the house is considered a “mother-daughter”, so I can legally rent the apartment and I can use the rent to help defray my Mortgage payments.

65. My Real Estate Broker said that I can rent out the basement apartment that has a “summer kitchen”.

66. While I signed a Purchase Contract two (2) months ago, my Loan Officer is advising me that I need a Seller’s Concession, so please prepare a new Contract of Sale.

67. My Real Estate Broker said that I can leave holes in the wall, provided that they are not larger than a quarter.

68. You don’t mind if I drop by your Office without an appointment?

69. Dropping off a banker’s box loaded with documents to your Office: “Whatever you need should be in the box”.

70. I work until 7:00PM, can I see you around 8:00PM tonight? Or how about on Sunday?

71. May I pay you with my credit card so that I can get points?

72. My Mortgage Broker said that we are going to use his Title Company.

73. I know what you said, but I read otherwise on the Internet............

74. It is a “bank check”, right at the top it reads “TD Bank”.

75. My Real Estate Broker said not to worry. Although my Purchase Contract isn’t contingent on my Real Estate Sale closing first, if my sale doesn’t close, I will be denied for my Mortgage and I will then be able to cancel my Purchase Contract and get my down payment back.

76. I already scheduled my movers for the closing date in the Contract, and if I cancel the mover, I will be charged a cancellation fee, so let everyone know, this deal has to close on the date that I, as the Seller, selected.

77. The central air conditioning system never worked, and I have no idea why that was included in the transaction.

78. I will order my own survey, which will show the deck on the rear of the house, and my Real Estate Broker said that will make the deck legal.

79. It’s Staten Island, every basement gets water.

80. I would prefer not hiring a licensed home inspector, my brother-in-law is a fireman, he can inspect the house for us.

81. I am told that if I fictitiously raise the selling price of the house by $500.00, I can avoid paying the $500.00 PCDS credit. That’s legal, right?

82. How can the house still be in my great-grandfather’s name? I'm told that he left it to my grandfather, and his four siblings have lived there for the last 40 years, and my mother has been there for the last 20 years, so it's her house alone, so you must be mistaken. By the way, this deal needs to close in 30 days.

83. If the deck is less than 36 inches off the ground, I understand that it doesn’t need to be legalized with the Department of Buildings.

84. If my in-ground pool is less than 400 square feet, it doesn’t require any filings.

85. My Costco card has my photo ID on it, that’s a valid ID, right?

86. Everyone I spoke to said that you’re the best Real Estate Attorney out there, but why is your legal fee so high?

87. I had gotten lower quotes for a legal fee, can you do better?

88. My Real Estate Broker said that I can take the $5,000.00 chandelier, as long as I replace it with a light bulb that hangs from the ceiling.

89. Although Contracts were fully executed three weeks ago by everyone, please let the Seller’s Attorney know that I need access to the house so as to be certain that my furniture fits properly in the house.

90. My Real Estate Broker said that I will need to disconnect the stove in the basement and move it away from the wall and cover it with a blanket before the Appraiser comes to the house.

91. We just closed on our Purchase, and my Pool Company said that the Seller knew that the pool liner was leaking, and you knew that the only reason we bought this house was because we really liked the pool.

92. As my Attorney, you’re coming with me to the final walk-through inspection, right?

93. The Purchaser wouldn’t sign the Use and Occupancy Escrow Release form, but I gave them the keys anyway.?When may I pick up the escrow check?

94. My Real Estate Broker said that the closing finished up, and he will be dropping off my proceeds checks to your Office. I am still at work, so just go to my Bank and deposit my sale proceeds in my Bank Account for me.

95. Just tell the Purchasers that the house is as clean as they’re going to get it.

96. Have the Purchasers call bulk pickup so that they don’t end up getting a ticket for the 2 beds and 2 refrigerators that I left at the curb.

97. Hey, take a photograph with us at the closing.

98. It’s okay if I bring my four (4) young children with us to the closing right?

99. Immediately as someone for the closing walks into the Office: “May I use the bathroom?”

100. Yes, I pulled all the copper plumbing out because the buyer is going to demolish it anyway.

101. The walkthrough is scheduled for 10 am, so we may be a few minutes late (to the 10am closing).

102. As my lawyer, you made sure there aren't any sex offenders on the block, right?

103. My last water bill says it's an "actual" reading, so that's good enough, right?

104. Your fee (that you didn't even get yet) includes the lawsuit for specific performance, right?

105. My grandmother suffers from dementia and won't leave the house, so you'll need to go there and notarize her signature.

106. I’m at your Office, and no one else is here for the closing. What do you mean that you told me in an E-Mail that the closing is taking place at the Bank? Don’t all closings take place at the Seller’s Attorney’s Office?

107. You didn’t tell me I needed to clean out the garage and the yard, too.

108.?We *are* married, just not to each other.

109. I thought you could notarize my wife’s signature on this other unrelated document while I’m here. Where is she? She’s at work.

110. From the Bank Attorney to your Purchaser at the closing, after everything had been fully signed: “You should not have signed in blue ink.”

111. I read the water meter myself, here's a photo of it.

112. We’re getting married next week; can’t we use my wife’s new name on the Deed?

113. DEP wants to charge me $25.00 to read my water meter? Sorry, I’m not paying for that.

114. I found another Bank whose Mortgage rate is ? point less for the Mortgage, but I already paid $400.00 to my current Bank for my Appraisal, so I’m just going to stick with the current Bank.

115. The Purchaser to the Bank Attorney at the closing: The Note said that the Lender can default me after 15 days’ notice.?Tell them to change that to 30 days’ notice on the documents.