The Things I've Learned

Last week, I offered up one tip for career advice that I believe can help anyone build a better work life. This week I turn 27 years old and, while reflecting on my life to date and the third anniversary of the pandemic, I wanted to share thoughts on building a better personal life. Because without the focus on developing both, it leaves too much room for one side to falter and negatively impact our whole selves.

I will preface this by acknowledging I am far from perfect or someone who has learned all that they can learn. No matter how much personal development I've pursued, I still make hurtful comments, judge people too quickly and do stupid things. I am not a guru or someone who believes that "advice" is a cure-all or something that necessarily applies to everyone at every time. But I am someone who believes in sharing experiences and perspectives with hopes that it might trigger something within you, the reader.

Some of these thoughts have come from books, conversations with friends and family, and therapy sessions. Some have come to me in an instant and others over years of thinking and refinement. Some of these thoughts are deeper than others. But all of them have shaped who I am today.

Here are the most important lessons I've learned in my 27 years with certainty that there is much more for me to learn in the next 27 (and hopefully beyond):

• Life is not about what happens to you but how you react to it: There are a million reasons to complain about our life circumstances and how unlucky we are. Everything changes when we embrace perspective and realize that we usually have a choice over our attitude. There is always a worse situation to be in. Plus, luck isn't as real we think - it's more of a perception. We must look in the mirror and take personal responsibility for our feelings and actions at all cost. Life is hard, but this should empower us to be even more resilient.
• Give permission to forgive yourself: The flip side of this is that we need to have the self-awareness to know when we're being too hard on ourselves. I am often my own worst critic. I get in my head too much. Nothing really matters at the end of the day. When we make a mistake or embarrass ourselves, everyone is in their own bubble and life goes on. It's our brain that tricks us into thinking the opposite. That's a liberating realization.
• Always take the high road: When we're in a situation where we feel slighted by someone, we can choose to lash out at them or take the anger out on a loved one or colleague. This makes us feel better in the short-term but creates long term divisions and blowback. Our other choice is to be the bigger person and turn the other cheek. Which version of events will we look back on with pride a few years from now? I say the latter.
• Empathy is a superpower: The ability to understand where someone is coming from can get us far. There are times when I'll be walking down the street, on the subway, or sitting in a café and I'll literally try to put myself in someone else's body to try and feel what it's like to be them. It's something I've done as long as I can remember. My curiosity to feel what others are going through has been a key building block in any thriving relationship I've helped cultivate.
• Have the self-discipline to be the person you aspire to be: I have eliminated nearly all vices from my life. I barely drink alcohol, I've never done a drug that wasn't prescribed by a doctor, I've never used a betting app, and I don't watch reality TV or cable news in my free time. These are all poison for the mind and body that take time away from more productive things, the kind of things that set us up to reach the success we desire. I have learned to prioritize exercise, diet, passion projects and quality time with friends and family instead. I live a life of moderation, but I still make my own fun. My life is happier and less stressful because of it.
• You cannot help everyone: Since my life purpose is to help people build towards better versions of themselves, I want to reach as many people as possible. However, some are not ready for that kind of change yet. It's important to have patience and not project our own ideas of success onto others. It's vital to meet people where they are and take things one step at a time. If I can help one person, it's worth it. Any more than that is the icing on the cake.
• Spend time in nature: Taking a walk outside to get some sunlight and fresh air calms my mind and there are so many studies that have come out advocating for its wholesome benefits.
• Be a reformer: The history books are not filled with great stories of ultra-successful robber barons or people who lived for the status quo of their time. The people who leave legacies are the reformers, those who believe that progress and change are the healthiest components of a civic society. People on the other side of reform are rarely viewed kindly in hindsight. We must consider the kind of person we want to be remembered as.
• Progress trumps perfection: As someone who has let perfectionism become a part of my identity, I've learned to start cherishing the process instead. It's not about the result, it's about the daily work that is put in. That's what shapes someone's character. Embrace the small wins and the rest will take care of itself.
• The people you surround yourself with really do matter: As the quote goes, "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future." It's our job to remove all negativity and poor influence from our lives. We should want to be around winners, who not only are striving for something themselves, but want the best for us too.
• Loneliness is a double-edged sword: Loneliness is one of the great threats of our time. Finding community and belonging around shared beliefs or hobbies is an essential task. However, being able to sit with loneliness and use it to our advantage for "deep work" is an extremely powerful tool as well. As an only child, this is something I've wrestled with throughout my teenage years and into my adult life.
• Find joy in the little things: I wouldn't describe myself as a total minimalist, but I'd say I live relatively thriftily and simply. A nice day in the park to sit with a book, a good comfort meal, and an energizing workout are some of life's greatest treasures...not the flashy new car, device, or pair of sneakers.
• If you want to live an interesting life, you have to do interesting things: This one speaks for itself.
• Say "no" more often: I have to live life on my own terms because time is limited and life is precious. If it means being a bit of an odd man out in social situations, then so be it. If I want to spend time with my parents or work on writing something instead of going out for a night of partying, that should be okay and I shouldn't owe anyone a reason for my decision.
• Memento Mori: The daily remembrance of our death, which can come at any moment, gives us the ultimate reason to live.

All my life I've tried to do my best at following a certain personal code of ethics that guides my spirit. At times I've failed miserably, but most of the time, I like to think I've succeeded. I believe we live in a culture where there is a shortage of role models, and I've made it a mission of mine to live up to this standard. Simply put, the importance of being a good, moral person doesn't get talked about nearly as much as it should. I want to change that.

That's why this is one of the most vulnerable things I've put out into the world. If I kept these to myself, then there is no way to document the lessons or connect with others who may be able to relate.

If you'd be open to sharing your greatest life lesson or something that caught your eye on this list, comment on this post or send me an email at kdoconno2@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you. Thank you for reading and see you next Wednesday.