Things I Wish They Would Have Told Me About Divorce: Co-Parenting Feels Weird.

One of the hardest things fathers have to contend with in the face of divorce is the feeling of co-parenting as a mechanical, almost artificial, system.

Divorce requires a lot of communication, a lot of organization and compromise. Small and large details get lost in the shuffle. Men forget to ask "What's this going to be like?" We're not built that way. We're built to solve problems and put plans into action.

So when the co-parenting plans are negotiated and put into place, it's often seen as a practical process, a formula that presents a solution to a seemingly mathematical problem. 50/50. 3443. 2255. You know the terminology if you've been there.

Most dads aim for 50/50 as a fair compromise. I say most because most love their kids so much that having them less than 50/50 seems like a terrible proposition, and offering less to their co-parent would be just as unfair. Most dads get that mom and dad are equally important in the general timeline of childhood. Most dads want their kids to feel loved, seen and comforted, and to benefit from their time with mom and dad.

And, many dads fail to predict the absurdity that is the mechanism of "co-parenting." It feels soulless, without heart, to drop your child off at school on a Monday and not see them until Friday. It seems like a cold matter to only communicate objective and necessary facts to your co-parent when before you used to laugh at silly stories, behaviors and milestones together.

Something feels lost. The memories and the bonds become trivial and like so much flotsam after a storm as they are no longer shared with that same affection. Parenting as a family was the point. Now what?

Now that things have changed, now that there is a system, now that affection is no longer mutual and the paradigm we once embraced is kaput and meaningless, what can you do to feel whole again? To feel purposeful and powerful?

Dads (and listen, moms if you're reading this, of course and with all my heart) you have to create a new story, one that dispenses with the hollow shell of the "nuclear" family and illustrates a new journey. You have to own the new reality and stop making apologies and self-flagellating for what went wrong.

You have to give yourself permission to view life as a single father as an adventure where you write the rules.

Understand that there is freedom in this. There is freedom every time you own what is real instead of feeling resentful and thus, enslaved to it .

There are a number of contradictions in divorce:

• it can be regrettable, and can we carve out enormous chunks of independence and free time
• our time with our kids can feel like way less than we're used to, and the time we have can be focused on quality and connection and getting it right
• co-parenting can seem stressful and obligatory and burdensome and it can also be way to practice our better judgement and diplomacy
• financial strain can seem overwhelming and be a way to use creativity to build our business and cultivate new income streams
• other people's opinions and our own belief systems about divorce and parenting can be hurtful and we can choose to believe that we are committed, nurturing, empowered and good nonetheless.
• divorce can trigger anxiety and depression from deep within and we can use this a signal to seek counseling, coaching and guidance to heal ourselves

Once you begin to acknowledge the realities of the new landscape (co-parenting, single-fatherhood, divorce) for the objective facts that they are, then you can start to carve out advantages that suit your needs.

I'll leave you with an example. Previously in my own marriage, there was no down time. There was no time to recharge or recuperate. Parenting was a never-ending tag-team cage match at best. Seeking permission for a mini-vacation, time away or some alone time was an uncomfortable conversation. The underlying fear was that it would be perceived as irresponsible or that the other party would feel undervalued or burdened by the prospect.

Now, with the the new co-parenting schedule (we currently do a 2255 split), I have two and then five days every other week, and every other weekend, to do whatever I want, which is both daunting and exhilarating.

The daunting part: I earned this by failure. That's a painful thought. It's okay to have it, but eventually the judgment should erode to a point where it's just a fact that I have more time. And it's not true. There is failure, and there is change. One is a judgment and one is an inevitability.

Another burdensome belief: Focusing all of my time on my son was meaningful and gave me a sense of purpose. Now what? I learned to begin to focus that energy and that need on other impactful work: writing, coaching, volunteering at my son's school.

I still struggle with these, but it's getting better as a result of practicing new mindsets.

Now for the exhilarating part, and where I discovered some real empowerment: By creating intentions for my time, both personal and and parenting, I am able to focus my undivided energy to both. I fulfill a productive, creative and lifestyle-oriented agenda that is mostly about me and my needs on my off days, and then I am able to pivot almost like clockwork to giving undivided and energetic attention to my son when I have him.

Each shift, so-to-speak, recharges the other, and as I have worked through this it has become almost a guilty pleasure rather than a prison sentence. Try reframing your own reality in a context that creates a positive and powerful narrative, not one of victimhood, and you will see the clouds begin to lift.