Things I Shall Never Understand
Note: this article was written in 2011. During that black hole in my existence (underemployed, managed to visit Los Angeles and Singapore) I had to vent. Articles are evergreen. Not everything here still resonates.
??Remember that point in childhood when everything was going to make sense in adulthood? That moment of clarity may never come. While I don't care why we park on driveways and drive on parkways I can answer why there are ten teams in the Big Twelve and twelve teams in the Big Ten. That's because college football sucks and is run by arrogant elitists who talk about student athletes assuming that people won't count. At least The Pac 10 will be called the Pac 12 when two teams are added. What do I not understand?
-Self Defense
??? If someone throws a punch you are within your rights to deflect and retaliate to subdue that person. If someone throws a punch in school and you defend yourself both parties are reprimanded. What are you supposed to do? There is a video of a child punching another student. He connected and the larger child picked him up and gave him a pile driver. Both children were suspended. By the same token every time I was verbally attacked on a job when I retaliated who ended up in trouble? If you don't start it no one will finish it.
-Selective Enforcement
?? In this case I am always selected. If I went to a Phish concert with seventeen thousand people smoking pot and I am in the vicinity guess who is getting arrested? Either enforce the rules for everyone or no one at all.
-Boyfriends
? I don't ask women out anymore. Not only do they say they have a boyfriend they sound?as if they signed?a bad contract. Married women never use this tone and I wouldn't date a married woman. I also wouldn't want to be a boyfriend. If these seemingly interested ladies act like their boyfriends are a pain in the neck: would I want to be someone's pain in the neck? Not really.
-Britney Spears
?? If none of her songs are distinct and she lip synchs why not hire a Britney impersonator, stay home and cash the checks? Lady Gaga might wear strange outfits but she has musical talent.
-Filipinos
?? Some of the nicest people ever hail from the Phillippines. Having residents of the Phillippines referred to as Filipinos makes as much sense as residents of France called the Phrench.
-The Molehill that is Gay Marriage
??? There are nine million gay people in America. How many of them really want to get married? I have no business marrying anyone but if?politicians were as passionate about a real problem like the fact there are no jobs or exit strategies to wars there?is a chance at progress. I can't say why anyone is with anyone else and?there are?bigger fish to fry.
-Security at Wal-Mart
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??? Why do they hire security officers when they fire them for catching thieves? I am no fan of this chain but?to fire someone because they are enforcing the rules really stinks. When the police tell these workers they did the right thing and the big evil corporation fires a dedicated employee for fear of liability- find another place to shop.
?? For those who have small children twitter is unnecessary. It is interesting to hear a toddler count to ten or tie his shoes. Most tweets are comparable. More importantly every time someone states they are at the store or a restaurant less than desirable?followers might go to your home and take what they want.
-Texting on the Dance Floor
?? Can't it wait until the morning to mention?the hot chick dancing next to you or the guy with his shirt off? You're in public-interact. The hot chick and/or topless guy might enjoy it.????
-Kickball
?? For years I have wanted to join a volleyball league but it's on the to do list. That is one of the few sports I played well. In this area many people play kickball. I haven't played in so long that I forget if I am good at it. Don't worry about it- if you are good at kickball it makes you a winner and a loser.
-Anti-touching Rules
?? This was a couple years ago but a girl was suspended from school for hugging her friend. The faculty's justification was if students hug it could lead to other things. What kind of things? Feeling better about life in general? Caring for others? I might understand the adult's position if the children were kissing but some school systems suggest children air hug. Fittingly most schools also pretend to teach but there is a major disconnect.
-The Miami Heat Cannot Sell Out
?? I understand residents of Miami not going to Marlins games when it is hot and humid in July but every time I turn on a Heat game there are many empty seats in the lower bowl. The Sacramento Kings consistently sell out and they might lose their team. If LeBron James cannot sell that arena out-ironically the Cavaliers had very high attendance with a poor record.
-Reality Television
?? There are many reality shows for the same reason there were many kung fu movies in the seventies. They are inexpensive and make money. I would rather watch kung fu movies. I am no fan of reality television. For that matter I am not a big fan of reality.??
*Am I embarrassed about the writer I was? LinkedIn cured me of my "But" addiction. Just start a new sentence. Same sex marriage is now standard practice- the law of the land until Clarence Thomas decides otherwise. Only the good die young. The Miami Heat have the same coach and are never out of contention, regardless of their seeding.