Things I learned from Reality TV

Do you secretly love reality TV but are too embarrassed to admit it? I was too, until I realized it can actually be quite educational, in it's own way.

While I have been working on my book, cloistered away in my home, writing full-time, I discovered that Reality TV is a good escape when my brain is tired. My guilty pleasure of choice has been The Real Housewives franchise.

I had never been interested in these types of shows before, thinking they were mostly ridiculous yelling matches (which is not totally untrue). As I watched more however, I got caught up in their stories, their relationships, the parties and the designer shopping trips. The ebb and flow of conflict was more interesting then I had believed. Who was angry at who, for what reason, who had made-up and hugged it out, etc. Being isolated to my house, writing on my own, these groups of women became like my friend group, I became invested in what happened, their drama was my drama.

I started to be interested in how the shows were produced. They call it 'unscripted reality television'. But how real is it? What is real? When you watch certain episodes, it is clear that someone was coached to say something, to start an argument, or to respond to a question a certain way. There are also times when the reactions seem in the moment and genuine. As I learned more about the behind-the-scenes and learned about the production, how people got onto the show, why they got removed, and how involved the production crew is, I started to understand what 'unscripted reality' meant.

Essentially, the women are picked based on how much 'story' they can bring to the show- they are starting a new line of non-alcoholic cocktails, they are having marriage issues, they are newly divorced and out to party, etc. The women need to plea their case to production - "I promise I will be interesting to watch." The structure is designed by the production, what trips they need to go on, parties they need to attend, what moments in their life need to be on film, and how it all gets edited. Most of these women are not really friends in real life, some have never met, but are forced into situations together, fueled with alcohol and TV cameras. The parties and events they attend are brightly lit so it is better for filming, the ambiance created by weird elevator style music that production has the rights to use, and the cast are fed story suggestions by producers off screen to create drama- "you should go over to X and ask her about Y".

Sounds crazy right? And sure, it is, but elements of this televised unscripted reality remind me of some situations we find ourselves in when we go to work. The shows also shine a light on what happens when people are forced together in contrived circumstances not of their design, and all the confusion and conflict that can ensue.

As contractors and employees we fit into systems and organizations that tell us what to value and what the rules are, what the social norms are, and even how we should dress. We have agency within our jobs (unscripted reality) but there are many factors at play which influence the menu of choices we have (resources, decision making hierarchy, office workflow, team structure, etc.). We may not have producers whispering in our ears but sometimes our presentation 'scripts' need to be approved by our manager and we have to navigate the politics of a workplace, knowing what to say at the right time, what not to say, and what relationships to manage. And maybe we do create a bit of drama from time to time, drawing attention to our piece of the 'story', because we feel invisible, frustrated, or disengaged.

Work is also a place where diverse people come together, selected based on education, experience, skills, personality, and salary expectations. Our bosses, peers, and staff are a mix of individuals that we might not be friends with in real life, but we are pushed together in a team, or on a project, or at a conference, and must 'play nice'. Awkward silences filled with small talk about the weather at an after-hours networking event sound a bit parallel to the brightly lit reality-TV parties with elevator music. And when you add alcohol to the picture, well, things are said, stuff happens.

The workplace is unscripted reality. It is throwing people together in a contrived situation and seeing what comes of it. Ideally the outcome is creativity, innovation, and productivity (which does often happen) but there are other outcomes too. When dealing with diverse opinions and personalities, conflict and confusion are bound to show up. Sometimes we don't agree with the values being prescribed, or the course of action being taken, but our job isn't to have an opinion on that, which fuels frustration and stress. We don't feel like going to the meeting or the after-hours office party, but it is not always optional, so we show up with an attitude, or we check out. And so on and so on. Structure and rules are important, working towards common goals and collaboration are the foundations of human success and progress, but it can get messy too. We have to accept the bad with the good.

I don't think we can always change the sometimes awkward nature of our workplaces, but in some ways, they are evolving to accommodate more flexibility- hybrid work and self-managed teams for example. What I learned from reality TV is that we need to be aware of dynamics created by our circumstances, which are not always the ideal, and give each other, and ourselves, some grace.

When I was interviewing employees to find out what they liked about working remotely during the COVID-19 pandemic, many people mentioned they felt 'more themselves' working at home. People felt they could dress more how they normally do, they were in their own space, they had more freedom on where they chose to work and when. This is great for the times we get to work remotely and 'off-camera' (for the lucky ones with that option) and there are times we have to go to work, be in the fray. Confusion, conflict, and frustration might happen, and we need to avoid running away, and stay to talk it out, give people the benefit of the doubt. I was quite amazed by the capacity of the Housewives cast members to go from throwing a glass of wine at someone, to, a few episodes later, hugging it out and saying 'let's just move on, we both did and said things we shouldn't have'.

It is not a perfect parallel, the reality TV cast are being paid to bring drama to the table (and mostly they show us how not to behave in a situation) but they are also just humans doing a job, thrown into a system, and have to deal with everything that comes with it. Like most jobs, sometimes you can go in prepared with what you want to say, and sometimes you need to respond in the moment, to a question or comment you didn't expect, and sometimes the words don't come out of your mouth in the way you intended, and sometimes you get triggered and do intend a bit of 'tude' in your tone. Regardless, we are all in the same boat, trying our best to navigate the ambiguity and confusion.

The interesting thing for me is, as I am off on my own, doing my own thing - I miss the drama, just a bit. Mostly I miss people, having a team, the deep discussions and sharing the wins. But as I said above, the good comes with the bad, and within the bad moments, a lot of leaning and growth can happen. For now I will hang out with my Housewives, be a part of the chaos, from the comfort of my couch.

Key tips for life from the Housewives:

• Own it! - The systems we work in are complex and sometimes triggering, when you get upset and say or do something that might not have been the kindest or most productive, be responsible for the impact you created, and let it go. We all mess up, it's fine, and it is on us to find a way to correct it, whatever that might look like. If you need support or help to correct it, ask for it.
• Move forward - Conflict happens, especially when we are being asked to work with people who we don't know well, who are different from us, under a timeline, in a stressful situation. Some conflict can need more serious intervention if safety is an issue, but the little stuff that frustrates us and turns from little stuff to big stuff, can often be resolved if caught early. Give people grace, they are navigating life the best they can, we all have our own triggers. If you need to address it, have a conversation, agree to agree or agree to disagree, but listen to each other. Then you can choose to move forward.
• Embrace the mess - The workplace is full of power dynamics we are trying to navigate, while carving out our own corner in the power hierarchy. This leads to some not-so-zen behaviour sometimes. We may knowingly or unknowingly throw a peer under the bus, a little bit, in a moment where we are underprepared and don't want to look bad, a teammate might take credit for our idea in a meeting later that day. We all want to stay in good standing, be credible, seen as good at our jobs, these little stumbles are usually inconsequential, more annoying then anything. Systems are messy, embrace it, choose your battles wisely.
• Be real - When we sign our contracts we agree to do our jobs, the stuff on our job description (if you have one), and often the other stuff that we get asked to do in support of our teams and projects and clients. That is ultimately what we are getting paid for. We read the policy handbook (or say we read it) and we learn the culture of the way people work and navigate the political and social landscapes. And within all that, we are individual real people, with our feelings and opinions and trauma. Sometimes the systems we find ourselves in are challenging but help us grow, and some are challenging and burn us out. Remember to take care of your well-being, we are no good to others when we are not being good to ourselves. Maybe you won't be asked back for next season, but maybe that is the healthiest thing for you. We can use our experiences to build our brand and always keep learning.