The Thing About Communication...

When I was in medical school, we had a mandatory course entitled, "Communication Skills." From what I can recall the course focus was on teaching us how to establish good rapport with patients, how to break bad news, and how to make patients feel seen, heard, valued and as though they were a part of the decision making process (which of course they always should be). There were probably other soft skills included in the course which I am not remembering (this was way back in 2002 y'all!), but I know for sure that the one thing that should have been driven home, is that the thing about communication, is that it has to involve actual communication!

I had a recent life coaching session with a client where she was venting to me about her situation at home; she felt as though she was carrying the brunt of the responsibilities despite there being other adults in the house. She went into great detail about all of the duties, both financial and household, that she felt as though she had to take care of, because otherwise none of the other adults in the home would lift a finger to assist. I listened very carefully to her, and when it was my turn to speak, I asked a simple question.

I asked my client whether she had ever communicated how she felt to her housemates, and whether she had ever asked them to help. Her response did not surprise me, because it is a thought that I think would come naturally to most people, including me. Her response was that she didn't think that she should have to tell them that they needed to help. She felt that they should see and know that she needs help, and also that it should occur to them to help out in the household.

I'm going to share with you the thoughts I had and which I shared with her.

Very often, and in the name of avoiding conflict, we choose not to say things that need to be said, because we don't want to risk upsetting others. Also, very often, we assume that others should know how we feel, or that they should think in the same ways that we think, or that it should be obvious to them that they should conduct themselves in a particular manner. So, for all of these reasons, we say nothing. We refuse to communicate, even if we don't in the moment recognize that that is what we are doing. So we get more and more annoyed, upset or downright angry, watching them going about their lives seemingly as happy as a lark, while we're festering inside.

There is no one on this Earth who can read your mind. It may feel that way sometimes, usually in the early stages of a giddying romance, but there really is not anyone who can. Someone may be able to pick up on certain cues that you drop, but those can be misinterpreted, missed or ignored. You want to know a better way to get how you feel across?

By communicating using actual words.

And as I said to my client in that coaching session, when dealing with a potentially touchy subject, it's best to communicate before you blow a fuse. Each day that passes without saying what needs to be said, is another day that more resentment, frustration and anger are building, all emotions that will serve to fuel what is almost certain to be an explosion of epic proportions. When that happens, no one is listening, no one wants to acquiesce, and nothing will be solved. Then, voilà! There you have the conflict and tension that you thought you were avoiding by not communicating.

Another important point I made regarding communication in this scenario was that it is not fair to the other party when we expect them to be able to read our minds, or to act a certain way because that is the way that we would behave in a given situation. In this particular case, I suggested that because no complaint had ever been objectively communicated perhaps the offending parties felt that nothing was expected of them, and especially since nothing had been said to suggest that. I could see on her face that when I said this it was as though a lightbulb had been switched on.

Granted, I've myself been in situations where I truly felt that the other person really should've known better, but as I said earlier, it's not enough to assume. We are all different people, with different perspectives, mindsets, and ethic senses, and we cannot presume to know the machinations of another person's mind.

Essentially, the takeaway messages (or, as the Gen Zs say, TL:dr) are these:

• Communication is key in any interaction between two or more human beings
• In order to communicate, you need to actually communicate
• Avoidance of communication does not result in avoidance of conflict, it only delays, and possibly even fuels, the inevitable conflict
• Calm, rational communication can actually prevent conflicts, and if not, certainly helps to resolve any which may result
• Mind-reading is not a reliable form of communication, whether you are the one trying to do it, or you are hoping that the other person can.

Now, I hope I communicated this clearly! ??

Dr. Lesley Reece is a #womenslifecoach with a background in #palliativemedicine. She is the founder & CEO of Life By Lesley Media Corp. You can learn more about her by visiting her website: www.lesleyreece.com.