Thieves: A Short Story by Mark Oglesby

Thieves

A Short Story by Mark Oglesby

The upper quintile is growing in size and income because all the value created by actual productive workers in the lower quintiles gets extracted by those at the top. When the top classes rob everybody else, they need a lot more labor to keep their stolen loot secure.

-Kevin Carson

Our banking institutions were created to manage all those hostile forces assembled to bring down modern day collective capitalism; operators looking to manipulate public opinion as to what actually drives the economy. And being right out there, front and center, I’m here to tell all of you: We’ve got everything under control.

         My name’s David Magic, a banker and damn proud to say that publicly! My Great Great Grandfather established PTMontgomery Crass&Co, the fifth largest bank in America. And by the way: Montgomery’s spiritual connotation means: Prosperous. And I’m here today to defend our financial institutions against the forces of socialism providing the airwaves continually: A better and brighter tomorrow through monetary markets established to secure our very way of life: A Full Tank of Freedom and so the Marathon jingle goes on and on and on.

         Furthermore, I’m here today to preserve the sanctity, that very inviolable purity which’s sacrosanct to our revered nation honored and respected throughout the generations for its never ending quest to secure a way of life which has given so many so much in order to create a healthier, more enhanced; superior existence for all: It is indeed an honor.

         And just how have we done this? How have we created an environment where nothing’s impossible? Fashioned an atmosphere favorable to the advancement of all peoples of any race, nationality, color, creed, culture, sexual origination or any other desired capacity to advance themselves no matter the obstacles?

         Where but within a capitalistic economic system can any person have whatever they long for right at their very finger tips? Let’s look at a few examples: WONDERFUL!

Consumed by consumerism, they (Americans) wallow in their plasma screens, coveting the next dynamite Apple doodad…. They have ruined the Earth, without a qualm, all so that they can drink beer, make Sloppy Joes, watch football, listen to incessant rock music, and wank away on their air guitars…. Daily they (Americans) wrestle with a world of distraction and fake facts…. And yet Americans still blather on about how “great” the place is. They’ll salute it until the whole shebang’s awash in radioactive waste. They’ll be clinging to the roof, barbecuing steaks up there, talking god and cars and rape fantasies until there’s nothing left alive but a few DDT-resistant bugs.

Lucy Ellmann’s of the The Irish Times.

If I could sleep I would but I can’t! Now being perfectly honest, insomnia’s not the problem. What’s the problem you might ask? DEBT! Revolving, crippling credit card debt and what it’s done to my life, my family, my health, both physical and mental; my very existence as I lie here tossing and turning figuring out what the hell I’m gonna do and just exactly how I’m gonna get outta this horrible, crappy mess?

         Sometimes, I get up early in the morning, as not to disturb my wife’s slumber which matches that of our three darling children ages twelve, nine and six; God I love them all to death but please, my brain’s about to explode from all the demands issued daily from my wondrous brood what with its never ending need for constant administration. Anyway, I digress.

         Oh yes, my wonderings around the house alone during these nocturnal expeditions hoping to find answers, any answers, to my dilemma: DEBT. And since my night-time journeys ultimately led to our “over-priced,” bought on credit, magnificent to be certain, sectional couch; I, through force-of-habit you may be assured; turn on our Samsung 82” LED Q70 series smart 4k UHD TV with HDR “and that comes to a grand total of (drum-roll please): $4,791.43! “Would you like that delivered, sir?” The Best Buy sales associate smiling as to the amount of her commission and I suppose that to be a certainty.

         Hey, don’t judge, please. Look, the Los Angels Dodgers had finally made it to the World Series and I was gonna enjoy it in style. A story here will lighten the load of my guilt in such a purchase, bought, accordingly so, on credit.

Now listen, I’m a lifelong Dodgers fan as I was born into a Dodgers household. My grandmother listened to “Vinny” on the radio while sitting on her front porch drinking her Coors beer; she just loved that first baseman Wes Parker: “So handsome and clean cut.”

         Now getting to the real meat of the story of what a “true” Los Angels Dodgers family unit we are; when I made that purchase dreaming of a World Series with my father in our home cheering on “our” beloved Dodgers baseball club, I gazed into the past at my father’s ICU hospital bed where fifteen minutes before he passed away, I called out to him while holding up both of my hands which had 3 fingers raised in my left hand and two fingers raised in my right and loudly stated: “Dad! Dad! Dodgers 3, Braves 2!” Both his arms immediately raised high in the air with two thumbs up. So how could I not spend $4,971.43 for that TV? Anyways…

David Magic back here once again; still a banker and so damn proud to say that publicly. Now wasn’t that a marvelous story? The love of a son sharing a memory of his dearly departed dad and how apropos in this regard that my bank, PTMontgomery Crass&Co, the fifth largest bank in America was able to provide, mind you, in spite of the family’s “low” credit score due to revolving DEBT, was able to secure a loan for funeral expenses for the once again, dearly departed dad: Go Blue Crew!

         Hey kiddies, how about another story concerning the breathtakingly fantastic, awe-inspiring splendor, truly spectacular if not eye-catching astonishingly striking remarkable magnificence concerning the financialization of the American economy: Tears come into my eyes; joyful tears of gratitude.

When suprapersonal values turn personality into a means to an end, it shows that man has fallen into idolatry.

 -Nikolai Berdyaev from Slavery and Freedom

The Palau Interviews:

The man on the TV said: “Hey, a once-in-a-lifetime luxurious deluxe tour exclusive to ‘YOU’ watching at this time and no one else!” What was I suppose to do? What was I to say? Hell, it’s my duty as a patriotic American citizen to support the national economy by going into debt. Here’s my story and it’s a dozy.

It was the brilliant idea of the NNA’s (National News Agency) Hawaiian news bureau chief to actually send someone out to the tiny island of Palau in hopes of getting at the truth concerning the possible Com.com “Fool” device hoax and how it actually came about; who it was that’s responsible for what was going on around the globe: The actual collapse of the world economy.

         And so with the fastest available jet that the network could find here in Hawaii, Pandora Pixy, looking exactly like Kelly Ripa from the Kelly and Ryan Show on the rival ABC television network, was sent to get the story; here’s what she found:

         â€œIs this not just the most beautiful beach you’ve ever seen? And hey, I live in Hawaii.” Pandora Pixy was excited; ready, willing and hopefully able to get at the truth: “You there?” shouts Pandora Pixy. “What are you doing here? You don’t seem to fit in with the rest of the forced laborers? You know, being, well; white and all?”

         â€œThat’s Caucasian young lady.” Roger being somewhat indignant.

         â€œSorry,” Pandora apologizing profusely. “Please, tell us your story.”

         â€œI put my name on this list for the vaulted ‘Palau Package’ that once in a lifetime dream vacation while hoping and praying for ten years: Can you imagine?”

         â€œNo sir I can’t. I make over $10 million annually for interviewing celebrities as well as people just like yourself. I don’t have to wait-in-line or any other such nonsense: I just do it!” Pandora Pixy smiling while imagining the very essence of her a ‘Life Worth Living.’

         â€œWonderful?” Roger extremely exasperated with the way things seem to go for working people like him in this world. “Anyway, the day finally arrived and I booked my dream vacation. I had a great flight in FirstClass after which I checked into my suite and later took a swim in the beautiful, truly blue ocean…”

         â€œGlorious isn’t it.” Pandora Pixy interrupting.

         â€œFor a while it was.” Roger getting terse with each passing word. “All of a sudden soon God damned governmental bureaucratic buffoon walks right into my God damned suite without so much as a by-your-leave. He confiscates my passport and visa and states matter-of-factly: ‘Come with me, now!’

         â€œWell I was just aghast! I also stated matter-of-factly: ‘I’m an American God dammit! You can’t treat me this way.’ He said in return: ‘Shut the f$@k up and get in line!’ Amazing don’t you think?”

         â€œUtterly.”

         â€œAnyways, I was told that some God damned multi-national corporation had just bought the entire island outright; lock, stock and barrel and that included everything and everyone on the island. And so here I am: God dammit? You know what I was ordered to do?”

         â€œNo sir, I don’t.”

         â€œMake some Fing t-shirts with the inscription: The Spank the Monkey Café on them.” Roger shook his head while looking directly into the camera: “Stupid don’t you think?”

         â€œAss scratchingly stupid.” concluded Pandora Pixy of the NNA with a sweet smile of sunny delight and its implied disposition. “Back to you Pamela in New York City, New York!”

David Magic back here once again; still a banker and damn proud to say that publicly! Now wasn’t that a marvelous story. And how right and proper in this regard that my bank, PTMontgomery Crass&Co, the fifth largest bank in America was able to secure the needed credit for this man’s dream vacation. And if all of that weren’t enough? Try this one on for size:

Blake Black here, Home Loan Associate or HLA in the employ of PTMontgomery Crass&Co, the fifth largest bank in America introducing to you the financial produce of a lifetime. And concerning this financial product known as a Sub-Prime Home Loan or SPHL, please, do not be alarmed or believe all the stories moving about the nightly news broadcast: forget about it! Basically, here’s my pitch:

Do you dream of owning your own home? Of having that most special feature known as The American Dream? Think about it. An island sanctuary in the mist of planetary chaos. A haven to come home to after a long day’s labor as stated so poetically by Bob Dylan: “Come in,” she said, “I’ll give you shelter from the storm.” Wondrous.

People just want to own their own home, plain and simply to the point. We here at PTMontgomery Crass&Co, the fifth largest bank in America are ready, willing and able to provide our purchasing public, at this moment in time and space, an Adjustable-Rate Mortgage or ARM; heaven on earth in your quaint if not picturesque and exceedingly charming suburban, completely gated, enclave. God bless the American home market known as: TheTrack or TT! And now, some more of my pitch:

As the singer sang: “Home is where I wanna be…” And isn’t it all so true? Please, do not let your circumstances disallow you from owning your own home; never. A poor credit score? For get about it! Not enough income you say? Forget about it! Behind on your rent; month after month after month? Forget about it! Remember what was said: “… concerning this product known as a Sub-Prime Home Loan or SPHL, please, do not be alarmed or believe all the stories moving about the nightly news broadcast: Forget about it!” Again, all we want to do is get your into that home of your dreams where you can “dream a little dream of me, oh yeah!”

David Magic back once again. Now listen, I’ve been left for dead on many occasions but until they put that stake through my heart (as if I had one: HaHa); I’ll keep coming back to service all your financial products no matter what the cost to you or anyone else in “our” once again, promised land known as Liberty, God bless the free market! And may his loving kindness continually fall upon PTMontgomery Crass&Co, the fifth largest bank in America.

         And if only to hammer home the incessant message of consumer capitalism and the once again financialization of the American economy; for your viewing pleasure; ten items to surely wet your appetite for more and more Stupid Ass Scratching Stuff or SASS. Honestly, why are you people so Ass Scratchingly Stupid or Ass? I mean to say such: dumb-as$$s?

And oh by the way, I didn’t mean to say that out loud; basically, it was just floating through my head and it escaped. What can be said? Okay then, and with overriding clarity; here’s the very spirit of our civilization as we’ve randomly picked ten products to demonstrate our thesis concerning the heart if not soul of the American way:

1.    Kick Your Ass Outta Bed Brazilian Coffee.

Here’s a harsh reminder that life’s short and insincere as the hypocritical notion that all things even out in the end is a monstrously deceitful advertisement scheme hoping to enliven your average worker into not “calling in sick to work” yet once again!

2.    The Sleep Around Inflatable Mattress.

Here’s your urban maneuverable self sustaining over-night apparatus reserved for those young professionals on the go who can barely slow down to arrange for a proper hotel visitation.

3.    The “G” Shock.

Here’s a female self stimulation device ready, willing and able to “shock” the socks off those fortune enough to get a hold of this mostly “out of stock” device. Merely insert into the virginal area, set the device on the desired numerical synchronizer, never ever “set-for-stun” and lay back and bask in the relaxed setting of your modern technological certainty: “Instant Orgasm!” Yes, also expertly designed for your average professional on the go. *

* Alert! This is not a footnote so keep reading! This’ a vital Warning for those who would use if not endure The “G” Shock. It is highly recommended that novices never ever go beyond setting 1-3. If you have used The “G” Shock more then, let’s say ten times, settings 4-6 can be withstood, okay! But for those advanced voyagers who wish the ultimate in mechanized masturbation, settings 7, 8, 9 and 10 are recommended to be supervised by highly trained medical professionals. Just a warning though. You’re the customer, so do whatever you want: Satisfaction guaranteed! And no, post mental and/or physical anguish is not a “refundable” event! Our most deferential if not respectful apologies to our most valued customers. *

* Another Note: Bullsh$t!

* Still a further Note: Something must be made painfully clear as concerning such a device. In the words of a concerned consumer: “Orgasms are to be achieved as well as earned, nothing synthetic here!” Intently she continues her public lecture on some lonesome main street corner in the heartland of America: “Life’s never instant! Its attended or it isn’t real life!”

  I believe, along with the vast majority of mystics throughout the Aeons, that sexual energy is the highest, greatest force of controlled power in the universe; known or otherwise. No, one should never allow the instant orgasm as it operates in contradiction to itself in matter-of-fact nullifying itself altogether.

4.    Urban Armor with Camouflage Sunglasses (Batteries not included).

 In today’s gentrified urban locals throughout the known civilized world, there’s this need for the safe if not secure trip out the door to wherever it is your young professional is headed. To not be attacked and/or maimed perhaps killed would be the hoped for if not required outcome.

  Therefore it’s highly recommended that today’s urban dwellers obtain “Urban Armor with Camouflage Sunglasses” allowing for the most advance state of unrecognizable, innocuous disguise available.

  And please remember, batteries are not included. Just a simple warning if you please.

5.    The Compassion App (a download).

Having a hard time relating to your lazy, worthless, inceptively stupid ass scratching workers wondering the worksite in disparate confusion? Are you troubled by the way you are unable to empathize with your spouse whose been going on and on all night about a lack of “something” to ware this evening? Is your boss’s ass really that deep if not wide as you tongue the very depths of meaningless rhetoric?

  Well than, a download away is the solution to all your problems as the “Compassion” app will revolutionize your communication skills in today’s urban as well as suburban connotative minefields.

6.   Book: Zen and The Art of Masturbation.

New York Times Best Seller List! Currently “Out of Stock” here at Com.com as well as Amazon.com. The less said the better! *

* Note: A book still in print, if you can find one? So please; buy a copy and try it on for size.

    7. The Deprivation Diet: Get Poor and Lose Weight.

If you really want to lose weight and keep it off: Get poor now! And we’re not talking about that form of poverty existing within the social safety net secured for the faint of heart. No! We’re speaking of the truly desperate situation where calories are practically non-existent as to render hopeless those who subsist at this level of dispossession. Do this and weight will fall off: Instantly!

8.    Bob Dylan’s Highway 61 Revisited CD.

A classic master piece recorded at the height of Dylan’s innovative career. A must hear transcendent voyage of the inner self seeking direction in the modern world. An avenue for the young and old to walk together as a worthwhile common interest. A delight for those who desire a challenging experience in today’s fluffy musical reality. Also available as an ipad download.

9.    Toilet Paper (Single Roll).

Give us one hour and an extra charge ($15.99) and we’ll have your delightful butt wipe at your door ready, willing and able to get the job done: Guaranteed!

  10. Ultra Hypersensitive Condoms-Purple (Six Pack).

Heighten your pleasure as you lower the intense anxiety concerning unwanted future events! We’ve got you covered in more ways than one. No more worry about social infection and its undesired communal concerns, both organizational as well as on the home front. Come what may, the Ultra Hypersensitive Condom will provide the sensitivity required both psychologically as well as physically; emotionally speaking: Guaranteed!

And that’s a wrap!