there's no such thing as a bad emotion

I've caught a lot of flack for being an emotional person. As a kid, I was always the sensitive one - or more accurately, I've learned as an adult, the one who was openly sensitive. When I was in college, we took a Myers-Briggs quiz in my marketing capstone, and I came back as an ENFJ/P. The professor called me out in front of the class as the one who could likely never be a leader. Because I was too "emotional."?

But here I am, the Chief Strategy Officer of an amazing agency wondering how, when I was critiqued for my sensitivity so much for much of my upbringing, I got here.??

Being emotional is still my default. I feel things deeply and constantly. And like I said when I launched this newsletter, it's my power and my poison. But what I've learned - from both reading and researching, and from simply living life as a feeler - is that there's no such thing as feeling too much. And there's no such thing as a "bad" emotion.?Anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy are just as much a part of the human experience as gratitude, excitement, contentment. So why do they get a bad rap?

An emotion can be interpreted as "bad" if it is poorly expressed. Let’s explore the two extremes of poor expression:

One, forcing your emotion onto others (intentionally or unintentionally) and overpowering a situation.?

Have you ever gotten negative feedback in your performance review about how you're too negative? Easily overwhelmed? Not good under pressure??

What's funny about this feedback, is that it's not actually about how you feel, it's about how you express what you're feeling and subsequently how it affects others.?

Every single person feels shitty at the end of a bad meeting(!), but are you the one who lets out the audible groan while others are trying to craft a way forward? When slides are getting rearranged the day before a big pitch, are you the one digging in your heels about your section versus seeing the big picture? The client gives tough feedback and your nervous system kicks into high gear, are you the one who jumps into defense mode without taking a second to think through their point of view??

Two, suppressing your emotion to the point of misery and debilitation. Hard emotions are so frowned upon that we stay in abusive relationships rather than speak our minds and risk coming off as a nag, we come to work the day after a miscarriage so we don’t seem like we’re wallowing, we get autoimmune diseases, ulcers, acne, infertility triggered by stress. Oppressive emotional conditioning makes us physically sick.?

So what is the right approach to managing emotions? Through a lens of willingness.?

• Be willing to go out on a limb - if people aren’t aware of how you feel, they can’t help you problem-solve to make it better.?Despite what many of us have been taught, we don’t have to grapple with hard things alone. Just ask people if they have the capacity for your vent, first!
• Be willing to leave space for others emotional reactions - some people need time to process. When possible, take a break to gather thoughts and come back together. Offer to collect thoughts via email for those who aren’t comfortable expressing in public settings.?
• Be willing to read the room so you know the best way to express what you’re feeling - don’t be tone-deaf, acknowledge the collective ethos in your response.?
• Be willing to prompt others - start a conversation, create the opportunity for people to agree with, disagree with, or add nuance to your emotional reaction.
• Be willing to work through it - this doesn’t mean you always have to come up with a solution (I tend to hate this feedback), nor does it mean your feelings are completely resolved after a finite period of time, but how can you acknowledge it, start to process, and create a sense of momentum?

We have to stop precluding “bad” emotions from the workplace. Because, truly, there’s no such thing.

“All emotions are neutral. They have no meaning other than the meanings we assign to them. An emotion is like a burst of energy that quickly circulates around the mind and body, indicating that there is an imbalance that needs to be brought into balance. The moment you experience a burst of emotionally charged energy, suspend all judgment of yourself for feeling whatever it is and ride it out.” - Iyanla Vanzant

It goes back to what I realized about my own sensitivity -- it wasn't that I felt more than other people, I was just more open about the way I felt. That openness was a double-edged sword. While sometimes, it created space for people around me to express themselves, other times, it weighed those people down.

As I’ve grown (as a leader, a mother, a person) I’ve actually become more emotional (lol some didn’t think it was possible). But I’m also more conscious about how powerful expressed feelings are. How they create ripples that go far beyond ourselves.

So as my emotions have augmented and multiplied, so has my willingness to learn how to harness them.

Love,

Ambika