There's Nothing Special About?You

Welcome to The Solopreneur MBA newsletter! Today I'm going to hijack my usual newsletter where I talk about #entrepreneurship for a personal story. Please pardon this interruption. Next week we will return to our usual programming about #business.

Addressing and Healing The Inner?Critic

“You’re a freak.” “You’re weird.” “You disgust me.” “You are not worthy of love.”

These are things I’ve said to myself.

It hurts to write it.?

I ache for the younger me, knowing the torture I endured.

Now I know how important it is to be my own best friend and to love and care for myself.

But there was a time when I didn’t know.

Hating Myself?

I was sick inside, but on the outside, no one else knew. It was my secret.

I hated how I looked. I hated who I was.

I often thought of ending my life.

I measured my worth by how others treated me.

When I was abused, I thought it was my fault.

There was a time I hated meeting new people because I thought they’d judge me. I was that insecure.

My inner voice told me “I am not good enough.”

I often wondered what was wrong with me that people mistreated or rejected me. I never once thought it was them. I was convinced I was a reject.

How and Where Did This?Start?

I think these feelings were always inside of me. I remember, even as a young child feeling different from my friends. I was introverted, creative, and imaginative. I wasn’t interested in pop culture or tv. I felt like a black sheep early on. My parents were divorced, and my mother and grandparents reminded me that I had ruined my mom’s life. I was ashamed. Then I was teased or made fun of most of my childhood. I grew weary of meeting new people. I was a loner. At 16, I suffered a rape, and I never told a single person for years, because I had no one I could confide in.

Fake It Until You Make?It

My smile wasn’t one of happiness but seeking to fit in, get approval from others, and to “fake it until you make it”.

I thought happiness was measured by the degree of my popularity and success.

If others approved and liked me, it meant I was worthy. If they did not, it meant I was worthless.

So I did what I thought would make others accept me. I smoked when it was cool. I listened to the music kids I wanted to like me listened to. I had to have the clothes that made me fit in.

In the pursuit of pleasing others, I forgot who I was.

Until the voice inside appeared one day.

It was the real me calling.?

The Metamorphosis?

It didn’t happen overnight. Little by little, cracks started to show. I would pick clothes because I liked them. I would listen to music I enjoyed. I was teased or insulted but I did it anyways. I started to seriously look at my life and ask myself ‘Is it what I want?’ I have never asked myself that question in my entire life until I was perhaps 32. At first, the voice was squished because this was a danger zone. I was not allowed to think about these things. My life was set up for others and questioning it could jeopardize the entire balance. But once a process has been triggered, it is irreversible and eventually, my world came crashing down. I exploded outwardly like a butterfly. I felt free finally. I didn’t fully know who I was but I made myself a promise to find out. There were serious consequences. I lost a tremendous amount by freeing myself. The pain was terrible. But in the end, I knew I had been dead inside, so this was the only way.

My New?Life?

After my 360-degree life change, every single thing was different. Change is scary, but it becomes easier when you have a mission. I focused on listening to my inner compass to guide me where I needed to be. For the first time, I looked inwards for guidance and confidence. It was a huge relief to feel whole finally. I no longer needed approval from others to feel good. I could handle criticism and hate because I chose not to internalize it but to accept it for what it is: someone else’s opinion. The new ‘me’ practices radical honesty. I recently celebrated my 45th birthday and wrote a letter to the younger me.?

A couple of wins:

I am broken but still whole.?

I love myself.?

I finally understood that happiness comes from within.?

I’ve become incredibly strong.?

I (think) I now understand marriage.?

My Full?Story?

I’ve written a book about my story. The manuscript has sat on my cloud server, waiting for quite a while. Because I wasn’t ready to tell it all to the world yet. I’d been through enough. I needed peace. I have been afraid to tell it. But I will publish this book. I owe it to myself. If you want to be informed when I do, please join my non-business mailing list (personal book news only) here.

Thank you for reading. It really does mean a lot to me, not because I need your approval but because I feel it is my life mission to reach my full potential and part of that means holding nothing back. Even if I touch one person with my content, it will matter.?P.S. In case no one told me: You are special and you do matter.