There’s no going back to the office…or is there?

Editor’s note: The opinions and perspectives expressed in the article below are provided for light humour and in jest only. They do not necessarily reflect my personal points of view.

Dear Office,

I am writing to you to let you know that I’m breaking up with you. There’s just no other way to say it. It’s been a blast, but I think it’s time we go our separate ways…

Have I missed you since last March? Absolutely, I have. But I’ve not missed having to get up early, get everyone in the household ready, skip what many consider to be the most important meal of the day, followed by that commute, ah that Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Commute, only to find myself just barely getting to my dreary “open concept” desk for the next 7 hours or so…

Yes, it’s true that videoconferencing fatigue is setting in, and the lines between work and home have also blurred, not to mention I find myself on my ass for the better part of 12-14 hours a day and that I’m still carrying some pandemic AND holiday weight…

On the other hand, though, I don’t have to pretend to be listening and be “engaged” in those long, monotonous, boring, long (did I say that already?) meetings with no agenda, no focus, no outcomes, and no accountability. That’s been replaced by these two wonderful features on those pesky Zoom calls called “mute” and “stop video” … at last, I don’t need to pretend. I can just turn both those features on and go on with my merry day!

Even better is that I don’t need to either pick out my clothes for the next day, the day before or to have to stress about it in the morning when there just never seems to be enough time. From the waist down I could be in my PJ’s for all that anyone knows or cares!

We had some good times though, didn’t we?? The socializing, the “watercooler” chats, the “grapevine” – yes, the grapevine – ah, I miss that almost as much as I miss “Friday foursies”…who am I kidding??? I’ve got “everyday twosies” …heck, I’m not driving right?? The only thing that sucks is that now, I’ve got to pay for all that booze…

Then there were those wonderful shindigs – remember those?? “Management” would corral us into some mandatory “team bonding” exercises so that we would “gel” and work “well together” – whatever the hell that means…thank goodness that’s all over and done with.

I did love those Christmas parties though, where inevitably someone would “let loose” and show us their “true colours” and henceforth be the topic of many an office conversation – ya, those were fun times!!

And Human Resources – that’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one – there’s never anything “human” about them and resources, Ha! I never had anything “resourceful” from them. Not once. Ever. It’s more like they are there to protect and surveil us on behalf of the company…as Duff McDonald puts it in an article in Air Mail, a senior partner at a global consulting firm told him that HR is essentially, "…a cover-your-ass function."

Having said all that, I do wonder what’s going to happen as far as “career progression” goes, or how the company is going to conduct my performance evaluation, or how they are going to ensure I have the best ergonomics in my “home office” – (hey, do I tell them I’m working from my couch or my bed??).

I betcha one thing though dear office – you’re probably laughing all the way to the bank in terms of our “productivity”, right?? I don’t think anyone in their right mind would even want us to return to the office. While it’s true that, as Kincaide said in SkyFall, “Sometimes the old ways are the best”, why would corporate willingly allow us to go back to sub-par outputs??

So, in the end, perhaps there never really is going back, or maybe the “new normal” will involve seeing you a few days a week, along with a few days from home. Looks like we may yet still be BFF’s…

My money’s on that…??