There’s an Epidemic of Quiet Desperation: Here’s the Antidote

The following is adapted from The Five Pillars of the Freedom Lifestyle.

Do you ever feel like something is missing in your life? Like you’ve settled for “good enough”? If so, you’re not alone. 

We start life full of hopes and dreams, but as we’re confronted by reality, we’re broken down, again and again. Until we stop trying. Until we stop dreaming.

That’s a dangerous way to live. In extreme cases, a life of quiet desperation can lead to substance abuse and even suicide. While there’s no magic pill that can cure this epidemic of quiet desperation, there are clear ways you can begin working toward a happier, more fulfilled life. 

In this article, I’ll explain what quiet desperation is, why it’s such an unhealthy way to live, and how you can work toward the kind of life you truly want. 

Are You Living a Life of Quiet Desperation?

Henry David Thoreau wrote, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”

When I was in high school, I rejected Thoreau’s writings. Especially Walden. I wanted glitz. Glamour. Income. Money. Why the hell would anyone want to move to a quiet lake? The older I get, however, the more I identify with him.

Upon first reading, one might think “quiet desperation” describes someone who is outwardly unhappy, depressed, or just plain funky. Not so.

In fact, he was describing how I felt for years. Now, I describe that “quiet desperation” as living in a “comfort zone of misery.” Outwardly, everything seems fine. In reality, it’s “blah.” No passion. No excitement. Clinging on to stability instead of reaching for greatness. Putting off dreams and desires to aggressively protect the status quo.

Tony Robbins wrote, “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” That’s why this comfort zone, this quiet-desperation status, is so dangerous. The pain isn’t acute but, rather, more like a dull ache. We can put up with it for years—and we often do.

Our fear of rocking the boat of our lifestyle, our paycheck, or our external expectations keeps us trapped, sometimes for years. I get it. I really do. I was once there. Trapped in that comfort zone. The lock on my prison-cell door was forged from the gold of a successful agency and killer revenue.

But the quiet desperation became very loud. Screaming at me. And so I escaped. Now, my mission is to help others do the same.

When I finally shut down my agency, I was scared as hell. But it’s funny—while I had anxiety attacks while running my agency, I haven’t had one since shutting it down. No more waking up with dread. I have a business with clients I love and a mission that fulfills me. I have work that is aligned with my family and me. There are days that are challenges, days that suck. But now I’m in the driver’s seat, with a clear vision and a life of freedom and fulfillment.

There’s a simple (though not necessarily easy) formula that can lead you from a life of quiet desperation to one of fulfillment: gratitude + action.

The Power of Gratitude

In his mid-twenties, Tofe Evans was making good money as an engineer, partying with his friends, and doing hard and soft drugs alike. He might have looked happy from the outside, but inside, he had been seized by quiet desperation.

His life was one of pleasure without meaning. As can happen, the pleasure masked the true pain, leading to a life of quiet desperation. That desperation, however, continued to build, until it became deafening and caused Tofe to feel like he had lost all hope.

In Tofe’s mind, the solution was clear: ending his life.

“I didn’t know what I was doing with my life,” Tofe told me. “I was also an engineer for eight years, funnily enough. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I ended up struggling really bad with depression and anxiety for almost a year. It honestly felt like suicide was the only answer.”

Tofe isn’t alone. Anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts affect millions of people around the world—people of all races, nations, economic levels, and faith traditions.

How do you move from a state of depression so deep that suicide is a viable option to living your life with purpose and enthusiasm?

One word: gratitude.

“At the end of the day, it’s even being grateful for the little things,” Tofe said, “and it’s being grateful amidst the chaos, being grateful for that moment. For example, I’m driving, and my car hasn’t had air conditioning in two years. It’s very hot in the Gold Coast [Australia, where he lives] in summer. I’m getting to meetings sweaty, so I just wear black shirts. In that midst, it’s just going, Tofe, just be grateful you have a car.”

The Need for Action 

Gratitude is just one piece of the equation. Gratitude alone will not take you where you need to go. You must combine it with action.

There are many who adopt an attitude of gratitude. It’s an attitude that is drilled into us since we are young: “Be grateful for what you have.” “Eat everything on your plate because there are starving children in [insert country name] who would be happy to have your food.”

It’s easy, however, to use gratitude as an excuse not to push for greatness. On a weekly basis, I run into people who do just that. They call me because they are lacking fulfillment in their lives and they want help, but they feel guilty. They have a good paycheck, a nice car, and a roof over their heads. They tell me their life “isn’t that bad,” that others have it worse than they do.

Let’s be clear: there are always going to be people who have it worse than you. If you have people who love you, if you have a home and food in your stomach, if you’re alive—you should be grateful. But don’t you dare hide behind that as an excuse not to fight for more in your life.

Tofe Evans sure didn’t. He paired gratitude with massive action. It propelled him forward, and he accomplished some pretty extraordinary achievements, like more than one hundred ultramarathons, including one across Mt. Everest. He also recently published his book, Everyone Has a Plan Until Sh!t Hits the Fan.

Do Something

“You’ve got to do something,” Tofe told me. “Just defy the odds.”

If you’re living a life of quiet desperation, you’re not going to escape it by doing the same thing you’ve already done. Start with gratitude, then do something new. It can be anything.

Just do something. It’s the only place to start.

For more advice on living the life you want and cultivating gratitude, you can find The Five Pillars of the Freedom Lifestyle on Amazon.

Curt Mercadante is an international speaker, coach, trainer, and disruptive entrepreneur whose mission is to save the world by helping people fight for lives of freedom and fulfillment. Curt's speeches and training empower individuals to live their Freedom Lifestyle, and he also hosts the popular Freedom Club Podcast. Raised in the Chicago area, he and his wife, Julie, now live in Charleston, South Carolina, with their four children, when they aren't traveling the world. Curt is a diehard fan of the White Sox, a superhero nerd, and can frequently be found at his local boxing gym.