TheoryOf5: The 10 Elements of a Successful Relationship

The idea of “soulmates” is a tempting one — finding that person you were meant to be with. Through discussions with my mentors and examining the relationships of my own life, I believe the reality is that true soulmates are made, and not born.

 It takes consistent effort, patience and communication to make your relationship one that lasts. Even the most devoted, loving couples must put forth the effort to develop the bond that makes your partner your soulmate.

Each relationship is unique, but there are certain attitudes and behaviors that someone can point to in a successful marriage/relationship as being key to the couple’s happiness and satisfaction. My mentors have taught me that these are the 10 elements necessary to discover your “soulmate” withinyour own spouse:

1. Love — It may seem obvious, but a marriage/relationship without love is like a car without gasoline; it may look fine on the outside, but it’s not going anywhere. There are different elements that go into what may at first seem like a simple emotion — infatuation, lust, friendshipand others — but to make a marriage work, there needs to be that enduring, all-powerful desire to be with your partner, in both good times and bad. Marriage should never just seem like a “good idea”; it should be an “I can’t imagine my life without this person” type of idea.

2. Commitment — It’s easy to be with someone in the first stages of love or marriage (or, at least, it shouldbe). Soon enough, though, life starts to encroach on the honeymoon phase, and it’s at this point you’ll see what marriage, and life, will actually be: an inevitable series of highs and lows. It’s here that commitment — knowing your spouse is there for you, you are therefor them and you are a team — really comes into play. A marriage where one partner doubts how committed the other is to them is a marriage that is doomed. 

3. Respect — Successful marriages/relationships are unions of equals. While each partner brings different skills, talents and capabilities to the relationship, each needs to value the other, and not be shy about voicing that respect. Never lose the ability to be awed by your partner. Keep your eyes open for both the “wow” occasions and the everyday moments that enrich your lives together.

4. Support — In a successful marriage, each partner feels supported by the other, to the point that there is no doubt that, if they need help — if only to listen — that help will always be there. There are times when you’ll need to be there for the other, depending on what’s going on in his or her life, and there are times when you’ll need to hold on to each other. As I mentioned at the beginning of this book, my wife and I have had several “life events” in recent years. Tragedies will happen in your life; they’re inevitable. Relationships will either fall apart in hard times because of a lack of support or be made strongerbecause you both know you have each other’s backs through anything. Support is a key component of commitment; it’s the two of you against the world. In many cases, the only thing you might be able to do is just listen to them and let them talk about their feelings; it’s still crucial that you do. Never let your spouse doubt that you’re their biggest fan.

5. Humor — Living life without a sense of humor can be a long, painful experience. The ability to make each other laugh is a gift, and lets oxygen into the relationship. That’s not to say your lives together will be a stand-up comedy club, but make sure that your life together isn’t a dour exercise in survival. Laughter is good medicine, literally. Research has proven that people with a sense of humor have fewer symptoms ofphysical illness. Humor helps a couple bond; it’s harder to stay mad at someone who makes you laugh. In many discussions with my mentors, humor has been a key ingredient in their relationships. Humor puts things in perspective, reduces levels of stress, mitigates burnout and it’s a wonderful experience.

6. Communication — As in sync as you might feel with your husband or wife, it’s important to realize that they are their own person, with their own feelings, drives, desires and goals. Keeping the lines of communication open is critical to keeping in step with your partner throughout life. Set time aside to talk and make sure they know you’ll always listen when they have something to say. Neither of you can read the other’s mind; you have to speak your truth.

7. Patience — It’s not just a virtue; it’s a necessity. Two people living together will inevitably get on each other’s nerves from time to time. It might be something they’re doing, or you might just be in atouchy mood in a given moment. When you feel that irritation creep up, take a moment, breathe and decide if it’s something worth a discussion. If it is, have that discussion (going back to “communication”); if it’s not, let it go. Remember that is the person you love and want to spend your life with — and you’re not perfect, either.

8. Common-Core Values — While you don’t have to agree with your spouse on every subject (and, honestly, it’s probably healthier if you don’t; otherwise, you’re probably not being completely honest with yourself), it is important to agree on the big things. Attempting to spend your life with someone you fundamentally disagree with on important issues (and, again, decide what’s important to you early on) has a much greater chance of ending up in heartbreak.

9. Forgiveness — You’re going to screw up. Your spouse is going to screw up. That’s just part of being human. If you hold your partner’s mistakes over them, however, or they keep a running tally of all the times you’ve fallen short of the mark, your relationship will erode over time into a bitter struggle to see who comes out on top. In the big picture, that will be neither of you. If something your partner has done truly bothers you, by all means tell them (again, communicate) but don’t hold grudges and don’t keep score. 

10. Gratitude — It’s almost impossible to notice every single little kindness your spouse does for you over the course of a lifetime, but if you’re determined to keep score in a marriage, this is the area you want to focus on. I personally have found that people who are grateful for what they have — but continue to push to improve their life— are the happiest, most rewarding people to be around. Let your husband or wife know that you appreciate them and you don’t take them for granted. As much as you would like to be thanked for acts both large and small, thank them. 

I should say that I personally find it challenging to live up to these expectations daily. 

Several of my spiritual and religious mentors have shared this analogy with me: Chris... "It’s like a preacher on a Sunday sharing, teaching and preaching the 10 Commandments — it’s much easier to preach it than it is to live it." 

That’s why mentors are so important for maintaining your focus and challenging you to constantly strive to be better. 

Iron sharpens iron. 

For More About The #Theoryof5 Go To Theoryof5.com

About the Author: Chris Saraceno is the Vice President/Partner of the Kelly Automotive Group and Author of www.Theoryof5.com 

Chris is also the Co-Founder of www.dealerElite.com ,Chris is constantly sharing best business practices through speaking engagements, conventions, articles, blogs etc..