Theory of Evolution
How our dating preferences change over the course of our lives
Since I introduced my new matchmaking project, several women have put their hands up for my help. So far, all of them have been over 40 years old, with the oldest a vibrant 68. I’ve also heard from a few single men in a similar bracket.
It’s unsurprising that I would draw most of my clientele from the over-40 demographic. I too am in my 40s, and over the years my dating preferences have changed. I’ve found that many of my clients have had a similar evolution in romantic taste. Whatever we wanted out of a relationship in our 20s, we probably want something different today. This is a good thing — openness, flexibility, and growth are all useful when you’re trying to find a lasting relationship.
Let me give some examples of how this evolution can happen. In my 20s, I was attracted to people who shared my fun-loving lifestyle. Like many of my friends, I would usually meet eligible men at parties, nightclubs, or bars. This was exciting while it lasted, but for me it wasn’t a good way of finding a suitable, long-term partner. By the time I hit my 30s, I started to realize that unless I changed my criteria, I would end up dating a string of alcoholics and perpetual Peter Pans. This isn’t to say that bars and clubs are always a bad place for singles in their 30s to find love, just that my personal desires had changed. My dating approach had to change as well.
When I reached my 30s, I started leaving the nightlife behind and considering “settling down” like many of my peers seemed to be doing. Having children was more on my radar. Once many of the couples I knew hit 30, they started having kids. According to Pew Research Center findings released in 2018 (here), most American women will have children. “All told, the share of U.S. women at the end of their childbearing years who ever had a baby now stands at 86%, while 14% are childless.”
As I entered my 40s, though, I had become one of those 14% of women who had not yet had a baby. As time passed, I started to become less focused on finding a partner to raise a family with and more focused on finding a true companion, someone who was kind, giving, and whom I loved spending time with.
I ended up meeting a man who meets all these requirements, and who just happens to be significantly younger than me. I used to be very against dating much younger men. In my 40s, though, I set that objection aside. Who cares? He doesn’t. Zach is a wonderful boyfriend, funny and witty, and accompanies me (pre-COVID 19 of course) to the theater, to concerts, traveling, dinner at restaurants, and importantly, helps to carry groceries! Children aren’t in the cards for us, but that doesn’t diminish our relationship. Thanks to my flexibility, I was able to form a strong bond with him, which has developed into one of the better relationships of my life.
Photo: Caroline James (author) and her boyfriend Zachary, Valentine's Day, 2020.
There are, of course, plenty of women in their 40s looking to have children. One of the women who has come to me for matchmaking help is in this position, and I intend to do everything I can to help her find a person who is open to that.
Another one of my clients is in her 50s, just coming out of a long term relationship. Though she’s been relishing her newfound freedom, she ultimately wants another stable relationship. Ideally, she sees herself with a person who has a successful career but still makes time to engage in fun activities like hiking and travel.
All the women I have met through this project are beautiful, capable, accomplished, and active. They’re at different stages in their life, and though their particular preferences might differ, they all want companionship. I think all of them deserve to get what they want, and I hope to help them get it.
If there’s anything I want you to take away from the article it’s this — if you’re looking for a relationship, it helps to know who you are, where you are in your life, and most importantly what you want. Preferences usually change over time, so it pays to look back at your previous dating experiences to determine what still works and what might need to change. You’re not the same person you were in your 20s, so you probably don’t want to be dating the same type of person you dated back then. If you decide that you do, though, no problem! Just make sure that you’re actually deciding to stay the course, rather than doing it out of habit or inertia. Look inward, understand your wants and needs, then embrace them. Self-awareness, growth, and flexibility are key. A little help from a dedicated matchmaker doesn’t hurt either!
This path of growth and change also applies to the opposite sex. So again, I am appealing to the single men over 40 in my network. Rather than spending more time endlessly swiping on the apps, why not let me take care of the search?
As I’ve said before, I want to help. I have more than 7000 linkedin connections and as an Australian living in Los Angeles with a public relations career spanning 20+ years, I am well connected across the globe. If the person for you has not already signed up with me, I’ll go out and find them. And to my friends, peers, and acquaintances — please continue to help me to spread the word throughout your own networks. Great people are waiting.
More about Caroline
Before leaving my home in Melbourne to form a permanent base in Los Angeles, I was determined to unearth the single men in my age demographic — give it one last hoorah to find a good match before taking off and trying my luck in the U.S. In 2010, using my PR and event management skills, I created, coordinated and threw a big party for Generation X singles called “The Kevin Bacon Party.” The hope for the party was that attendees would be connected to one another by six degrees or less: “friends of friends.” This was two years before the dating app Hinge, that follows a similar premise, was conceived in 2012. In fact, the inspiration for the party was a popular game in the 90s, can you find your six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon?
Given my career in public relations, I did my own publicity and secured TV, radio spots and articles across key media reaching my target market in Melbourne. This helped immensely in raising awareness and attracting attendees. Suffice to say the event sold out — 50/50 on the gender split — and we had a great time. Photos can be seen here.
Over the past year I’ve been working from home, freelancing from my laptop. This new normal freed up some time, time that I used to spend at a permanent job and commuting to the office. I’ve been able to pause and think about big questions, to reflect back on the path I travelled before finding my own fulfilling relationship. I started to wonder how I could use my talents and experience to help others still walking the same path. I have a global network of friends, acquaintances and colleagues — how can I leverage those qualities to do good? I decided to embark on my own private matchmaking adventure — call it a side hustle mixed with a personal crusade for everyone to have a decent shot at romance.
Sound interesting? Here’s what you can do to help:
- If you are in my network or connected to someone in my network and looking for a relationship, please reach out.
- If you know a single person (approx 35+) who would prefer not to be, reach out to them and let them know about me.
My approach will be based on the principle that successful matchmaking works best when connections are made through an existing community, such as a professional network or a friend group.
Contact me at [email protected]
See other related articles:
Six Degrees of Separation Matchmaking