That's What I Really Meant
It was a high-stakes meeting. Others had given their opinions, and I decided I should speak up, too. So I did.
As I was speaking, though, I began to have the sense that I wasn’t saying exactly what I wanted to say.
I tried to convey confidence through a strong voice and gestures, but I’m sure the people in the meeting sensed that I was speeding up my pace and desperately over-explaining my thoughts.
After the meeting was over, I really had a hard time shaking it. I wish I’d said what I really meant to say!
The Speech I Prepared. The Speech I Delivered. The Speech I Wish I’d Given.
I coach a lot of people on presentations and overall communication effectiveness, and what I’ve seen over and over is that, when it comes to formulating what we want to say, it rarely comes out right the first time. Last year I coached a leader who began writing her speech in the fall and, after hours of practice and analysis, was still modifying it in the winter!
While that was for a very high stakes presentation, each of us has daily interactions where our words just don’t come out right the first time.
Therapists, counselors, and journalists see this firsthand all the time. They ask questions, they get reactions, then, if they are patient and ask clarifying questions, those initial answers evolve.
Well, what I’m trying to say is…
What I meant by that was…
As I think about this more, I realize…
How to Say What You Really Mean to Say
Not saying what we really think or mean to say can cause confusion, frustration, and stress. Here are five strategies to implement, especially if you feel like you don’t always nail your communication the first time it comes out.
- Give yourself grace. Many people don’t appreciate the lifelong efforts that U.S. President Joe Biden continues to make to deal with his speech impediment. He’s too old or lacks mental fitness, people will say. What they don’t realize is that words don’t always come out the way he wants, he avoids using words that will cause him to stutter, and he take extra time to get his words out at all. Rather than shaming himself and relegating himself to a job that wouldn’t require this effort, he’s had patience with himself and accepts his limits without limiting his potential. If you find yourself frustrated with yourself for not saying something the way you’d have liked, resist the temptation to beat yourself up mentally. Let it go and don’t let it stop you from continuing to communicate.
- Prepare/rehearse/plan. It’s amazing to me how much clarity, confidence, and focus people gain from practicing or discussing what they will say in the future. Time and again, people I’m coaching will say, “Now that I hear myself say this out loud, I realize I should say it differently.” Preparation isn’t always possible, but when you know about an upcoming opportunity to communicate, resist the temptation to just “wing it.” The stakes are high for most communication. It might be worth writing out an outline, talking points, evidence to support your view, and a key theme or purpose for what you want to convey.
- Think in mental models. I’ve found through my coaching and communication that it’s much more effective to remember how you’ll communicate an idea rather than what words you’ll communicate. In other words, establish a mental structure for what you want to say to cue yourself on what to say next. For instance, in one Dale Carnegie program, participants practice presenting an idea using what’s called The Magic Formula: Incident > Action > Benefit. The Incident is a compelling story, starting with a time and place, Action is the action we’re recommending they take, and Benefit is the benefit of taking that action. This formula is proven to inspire others to action and works much better than giving someone our opinion of what action they should take. Many other mental models and frameworks exist for structuring your message in a way that you want it to be heard. Do some internet research, take a course, or work with a coach to develop models that work for you.
- Avoid the temptation to keep explaining. When we realize in the moment that we’re not saying something the way we want to, it’s tempting to try to say it again another way… and another way…and again, hoping it eventually lands. This strategy only risks annoying and confusing others. As soon as your brain alerts you to the fact that you’re not saying it well, just stop. Consider saying, “I’m not saying this quite how I’d like so let’s move on or hear what you have to say about it.”
- Find an unforced opportunity to clarify. If it didn’t come out right (or even if it did!), find an opportunity to ensure your message was communicated in the way you meant and that other people heard it the way you meant it. Be careful not to force this clarification by making a conversation go on too long or implying that you need to “have the last word.” One natural way to do this is to ask others to tell you what they heard you say for clarification. This gets them talking and makes it more interactive.
The human brain is powerful but it’s not always clear. Especially the first time we say things. These five strategies will help reduce stress and increase connection.
Which could you focus on in the coming weeks?
Patterns are Inevitable. Growth is Optional. Check out my award-winning book Four Patterns of Healthy People to become more aware of the healthy and unhealthy patterns in your thoughts, relationships, ego, and daily operations.
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About the Author. Matt Norman coaches and advises executives on how to build great people and culture. He is President & CEO of Norman & Associates, which offers custom coaching and consulting in the areas of talent strategy, personal effectiveness, planning, and goal alignment. Norman & Associates also provides Dale Carnegie cohort-style action learning programs to help people improve how they communicate, lead, influence, and work together.
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