That's not normal.

Once upon a time, many years ago, a manager of mine pulled me into an office to talk to me about my behaviour. Specifically, they wanted to discuss with me the way I acted during a team meeting.?

Now, I’m not making excuses.?

But I think it’s important that I explain the situation as it occurs in my memory. The circumstances that, as I reflect, may have contributed to my behaviour.?

We were in the middle of a natural disaster. The city I lived in was very badly affected, and although my home was safe and sound, many were not. The office where I worked was evacuated. This meant we were working from a different location. An unfamiliar environment.?

In general, I remember my employer being quite supportive during this incident. The people who needed additional support were afforded it. Communication was good and overall, I think things were handled as well as they could have been.?

There was a team meeting held on our first day in the temporary office.?

The bosses spoke about what was happening and let everyone know about the arrangements that had been made so that business could continue despite the ongoing challenges across the city. I listened intently, took the information on board and that was that. Until I was asked to meet with my manager.?

In this meeting, I was first asked if I was okay. I wasn’t really sure why I was asked this question, but that’s fine. I’m okay. Confused, but okay.

I was then confronted about my behaviour. You see, during the meeting, I was sitting on an ottoman type seat that wasn’t facing the front of the room. As a result, the back or side of my head was facing the speaker and I wasn’t making eye contact. This wasn’t acceptable. In fact, it was disrespectful. And it sent a really terrible message to my colleagues and other people within the organisation.?It set a really bad example.

When I was told this, I admit, I felt a mixture of emotions.?

Firstly, I didn’t even realise I’d done that. It didn’t even occur to me.?

Secondly, I was confused. I had after all, listened intently during the meeting. I wasn’t chatting, distracting others, making faces or doing anything disrespectful. I was just sitting, listening and taking in the information that was being presented to me.?

And finally, I felt awful. Guilty. Because I would never be intentionally disrespectful. I’ve always been a good kid; a rule follower. I felt genuinely embarrassed that I was viewed in this way and vowed to never do it again. In future, I would make sure I was sitting with eyes forward, locked onto the speaker, and would make a concerted effort to demonstrate active listening skills so that I would never again be perceived as rude or disinterested in a meeting.?

Looking back, I realise that I actually did nothing wrong.?

The view that eye contact is a sign of respect, is outdated. That alone is reason enough that my behaviour did not deserve the attention it got. But what neither my manager nor I appreciated at the time was that I’m neurodivergent.?I was a neurodivergent human with low self-awareness, in an unfamiliar environment during a natural disaster that was continuing to unfold.

Let me be clear. I knew I had unmedicated ADHD. But I didn’t really know what that meant. At the time, I hadn’t received any therapy, support or education about my “differently operating” brain. I also knew I was an anxious person, but I didn’t really understand that either.?

What I didn’t know, is that I’m autistic. I didn’t know that I have (and had at the time) complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I didn’t know that I wasn’t what you’d call “neurotypical”. I’d spent a good portion of my childhood being bullied relentlessly for being different, but I just thought that was because I had pimples, a short hairstyle and didn’t listen to the kind of music the others did.?

Looking back, I realise that I was just being myself in that meeting.?

I didn’t meet neuro-normative standards. I didn’t behave the way I was supposed to, according to what has been deemed “normal” and “acceptable”.?

Just to clarify, I don’t harbour hard feelings towards my manager. Times have changed. When this all went down, he wouldn’t have known any different. I sure as heck didn’t. I left the organisation soon after this event and haven’t had contact with him or anyone else from there, since. I haven’t thought about it at all, to be honest.?

But recently, while listening to We’re All Neurodiverse by Sonny J Wise , this memory came flooding back to me and it really got me thinking about the way certain behaviours are perceived and what we can do to change the fact that even many years later, there’s an “us and them” mentality when it comes to neurodiversity.?

I’m very different now.?

I know how to advocate for myself and in a similar situation, I would be far more likely to argue against this neuro-normative view. I’m not as easy to please and am a bit of a sarcastic bitch so I might even throw in an “apology” like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” for a little extra self-amusement.?(I know, I'm childish - I am who I am.)

But most importantly, I would take it upon myself to educate. To spew forth what I’ve learned in the hopes that things improve. In the hope that I can influence others to lead with kindness and inclusivity instead of looking for (and punishing) differences.?

This article isn’t about labels.

Or excuses. The expectation of egregious adjustments. Or entitlement.?

Well, maybe it’s about entitlement.?

Because I do feel like I’m entitled to not be reprimanded for something that to me is normal and part of my DNA. And here’s the thing. So are you.?

I hope that if you ever notice a behaviour and think to yourself "that's not normal", you take a beat and remember this story. Because the behaviour might not be "normal" in the way we've always viewed it. But "different" doesn't mean bad. And when you've got 59 people sitting in a room diligently making eye contact with you while you speak, is it really necessary for you to single out the one who isn't?