"That’s for girls."

The three words that started it all. When my son said this to me just before his third birthday, I was taken aback. I’d tried hard to avoid gender stereotypes at home, to provide dolls and tea sets as well as building blocks and cars for him to play with. His dad and I share the household chores equally and I’d encouraged him to wear clothes from whichever section of the kids department he wanted. He had a book called ‘Feminist Baby’ for crying out loud! But what my son was really telling me was that navigating the world free of gender stereotypes could never be so simple.?

Of course, what he meant when he said “That’s for girls” is that the game wasn’t for him. Or that he didn’t want to do it. Whether he had or has a handle on what it actually means to be a girl or a boy or anything else in this world is debatable, but one key message had gotten through to him already - whatever a girl is, and whatever a girl does - it’s not for him.?

Incidentally, he does happen to enjoy some so-called ‘girly’ activities, not least having pretend tea parties and trying on makeup - but it got me thinking about how pervasive traditional gender norms are, and how many other experiences outside the home were impacting how he sees the world, even at this very young age. What other activities, behaviours and opportunities was he counting himself out of as a result?

The messaging our kids get about gender starts from the womb. When we feel a strong kick from a baby boy - “Oh, he’s going to be a footballer!” we say. From a girl? “You’ve got a little dancer in there!”. From blankets to babygrows, wallpaper to toys, the worlds we prepare for our little ones before they’re even born are often full of signals already. Soft, pink and delicate for girls; cheeky, blue and boisterous for boys. This lays the groundwork for a lifetime of messages about who and how we’re supposed to be, based on our gender. Books and media, other family members, school and friends all help our kids build a picture of the world and influence how they see themselves and others.?

Then, of course, there’s the question of nature versus nurture. What if this messaging was the product of natural differences between the sexes, and we’re programmed to behave in ways that can’t be changed? Was there anything I could do to protect him from a limited future of so-called ‘toxic masculinity’, or was my son destined for a life of football, beer and banter? So that’s what I set out to research, and what underpins all of my work in this area.

Am I trying to argue that all children are the same, or that we should pretend that gender doesn’t exist? Absolutely not.? To stay focused in my work as a consultant and trainer, I keep coming back to one central question: What do I want for my little boy? The answer is: the same thing I think all children deserve, which is to live a life free from the limits of stereotypes, and to recognise that there’s no value in imposing those stereotypes on others. I want him to question the roles and the privilege he’s given, the assumptions about what he will like or how he will behave, and to make decisions that feel authentic to who he really is. To know that, while men and women are often different, we also have heaps in common, and nothing in this world is “just for girls” or “just for boys”.?

My aim is to help educators and parents recognise the limiting messages that our children receive, and to be able to challenge them in productive ways, allowing kids to make up their own minds about who they want to be in this world. I hope you'll join me!